RubyJade

family blog.

2009-03-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have decided to add another blog. It's here. I'm not going to close this one, as this is more of a journal for my private thoughts. I really wanted to make a family friendly one as well. I won't be making Rubyjade private, but I also will not be giving out the blog addy. Those who know I am here, can still find me here. Thank you for all the warm wishes about grandpa's surgery. He is doing well and I'm sorry for the lack of an update. Things have been pretty busy around here.

Today...

2009-02-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

CABG rears its ugly head again. This time, grandpa is the victim. He was just here visiting last week with grandma. We watched the inaguration together, and I made a mental note of how cool it was to share that historic experience with them. He made sure we were all quiet as the Marine Corps band marched and played in the parade. I know this sounds morbid, but right now he's having his chest cracked open for a triple bypass and I can't stop thinking about it. All I can do is hope and pray.

just for fun

2009-01-30T08:55:00.000-08:00

I thought this was such a cute picture of them laughing together - until I looked closer and realized that that laugh of his was really an evil mocking one, because he's squashing her hand under his boot. Such a nice boy...

This is the one I used for the 5x7.

I wanted to share these. Some of you who have facebook accounts have seen these, but for my blog stalkers I'll put them up here too!

I wanted to do something inexpensive but still meaningful for the grandparents for Christmas. About a week before Christmas I came up with the idea to take shots of the kids at our park and print and frame them. I absolutely LOVE the way they came out. In some of the shots I really should have used a flash, but I'll know for next time. Let it be known that most of these poses required bribery.

Pinewood Derby

2009-01-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

This is serious business. Forget that it's just a bunch of kids racing tiny little wooden cars on an aluminum track. Oh NO. It's much more than that. These people mean business. And, by "these people", I mean the parents. There are 6 lanes on the track, and each car races once per lane. So, essentially, every car races 6 times and they average those times to make one final time per car. (and since there were 150 cars there, it took FOR-EV-ER) *sigh* I hope this is making sense. Once the car reaches the finish line, an electronic sensor tells the computer what times each car finished, and the computer displays the winner and times for each car. All of this is displayed on a projection for all to see. Now, each car is allowed 5 oz. That's it. If the car weighs over 5 oz, it's disqualified. So, the goal is to get as much weight as you can on the cars without going over because the weight is what makes it pick up speed. So, people buy weights, bring their drills, glue, whatever and adjust their cars right before the race begins. Also, and this is a VERY big must, graphite apparently is used on the wheels to make them spin faster. For REALS. Doug knew all of this and supped up Jared's car 5 minutes before it raced. And, so did the rest of the parents. Let me just say this, at least Jared painted his own car. I'm willing to bet a whole bunch of chocolate that many of those poor tiger cubs didn't even TOUCH theirs. Yep. It's all about the parents and pinewood-derby-speed-racer-glory. Jared came in 6th out of 18 in his division.

Sidewalk paint...

2009-01-25T11:58:00.001-08:00

Does wonders for my sanity. Sometimes it's nice to scrub toilets alone - in peace.

My world.

2009-01-24T12:23:00.000-08:00

Prickly pear. This blooms in a few months.

These red flowers are in bloom right now. They're everywhere.

I'm guessing a javalina got this little guy.

This is a palo verde. There are nests in just about every one.

This one is a teddy bear cholla. In the spring it sprouts flowers, like most cacti around here. I'll take pics of that too.

I'd like to share with you a bit of what I see every day. Arizona in the winter is amazingly beautiful, and thanks to the trail system that winds through Anthem I take advantage of the gorgeous weather and scenery as much as possible. The Sonoran Desert receives the most rainfall of any desert in North America, which is why it's so strikingly green. I love it here, the plant life is so diverse and so is the wildlife. The birds were too quick today to get any great shots and same goes for the lizards. Plus, the kids do a pretty good job of scaring away anything within a hundred feet. It rained last night, and the scent this morning was amazing. They need to make a "desert rain" candle or something. I'd buy 1 or 50.

Birthday party!!

2008-11-17T08:30:00.000-08:00

Jade's 4th birthday party was last Saturday. When we first moved here one of the things I was looking forward to the most was Jade's birthday. We FINALLY have a house big enough to host an actual party, so I really wanted to make this a big deal. Unfortunately, she's not in preschool like I thought she'd be, so we've had to do some recruiting of neighborhood kids. I also recently put her in dance, so after her first practice she decided to invite a girl she met there. Anyway, in three months she has made 5 little friends, and luckily they all showed up to the party. I had very ambitious plans a month ago to rent a big bouncy house and a ramada at the park on our little catch and release lake. For some reason I had this delusion that we'd have 20-something kids to entertain. I think that was just wishful thinking on my part. Plus, could you imagine how much money that would cost? I'm actually really happy with the way her party turned out. We played "pin the antennae on the butterfly"(no pics of that, because I was busy blindfolding all the children), and we did a pull-string pinata. Since when have they started making those stupid things? Isn't the point of a pinata to beat the snot out of the darn thing until candy falls out onto the heads of greedy little children? I thought so too. Maybe they figured little girls really didn't want to put Tinkerbell through that torture, so about 12 ribbons were attached to the bottom. Each child grabbed hold of a ribbon and they all pulled at the same time. No beating, just pulling. I don't have pictures of that either.

All in all, it turned out really nice, and Jade just loved her little party!

Cabbage Patch two?

2008-11-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

I listened to Dr. Mushmouth's dictation over and OVER, and I SWEAR he's saying "status post Cabbage Patch two". Seriously, I must have listened 20 times. I sped it up, and slowed it down, and yep - Cabbage Patch two was all I could come up with. So, I finally typed it all out and submitted the report for correction, dying to know what exactly WHAT kind operation this "Cabbage Patch" thing was.

Turns out it was "status post CABG (coronary artery bypass grafting) times 2". Duh! That's literally one of the FIRST acronyms they teach us. And of course doctors don't actually say each letter alone, they put them all together to make one stupid word! They keep doing this to me. They rattle off these insane sounding things without pause, so it sounds like one jumbled mess. Sed rate (sedimentation rate) such and such, alk phos (alkaline phosphatase) such and such, eos and basos (eosinophils and basophils), and now CABBAGE. Oh, and nevermind the fact that some of them even let the phone ring right next to the recorder while they are doing dictation! For heaven's sake pick up the dang phone, or hit pause! I cannot possibly hear ANYTHING you are saying! Sometimes they even eat during dictation! As if their jumbled jargon isn't enough to deal with! Ugh. I better get the hang of this, is all I have to say. Luckily, I still have a long, long way to go. I'm still in the beginning stages of transcription, so I'm hoping this will be a breeze in a few months.

I'm good to my house.

2008-10-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

This corner was lonely, so I bought it a plant. It was only 10 bucks. I know! Great deal right? I think it looks a little better now.

Now for some artsy wall hangings.

Fall pictures!!

2008-10-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

Our community park across the street held an autumnfest this past weekend, and we finally decided to go. There was also a carnival, but we ran out of time for that (plus it was 90 degrees, and none of us wanted to walk around in the sun any more than we had to). So we ate some Navajo tacos, browsed the arts and crafts booths, pet (petted?) some animals, and Jade brushed some butts (see above pictures). We then picked out our pumpkins. Jared almost dropped his, but luckily Doug rescued it just before the splat. That would have been pretty messy, and gross.

My only political post.

2008-10-27T22:42:00.000-07:00

It's a vent, really. I don't want to stir up trouble on the board, so I'm unleashing in my safe place. I'm so in shock right now after reading someone's post on the message board I've been a member of for a few years now. (of course a lot of you know that, since you are members there too.) I cannot wrap my head around people (two to be exact) ACTUALLY BELIEVING Obama is the antichrist. The ANTICHRIST? If you have differing views from his platform, fine. But to say a blanket statement like that--well for the love of Pete, pull our head out and start using your brain.That is it, and I will say no more.

*This was a vent, not a debate, and I can just see it turning into one. So, I have disabled comments for this post.

'Tis the end of the depressing blog posts.

2008-10-26T21:21:00.001-07:00

At least for now, because Guitar Hero World Tour came out today!!! Doug drove an entire 2 miles to our Walmart to pick up the very last one in the store. This is cause for celebration. Now, I can finally live vicariously through a video game and rock out like I'm Neil Pert. (he's only the greatest drummer who's ever lived people.)

30 is NOT the new 20

2008-10-25T19:02:00.001-07:00

The lady who waxed my eyebrows the other day told me I have a wrinkle in the middle of my forehead. How thoughtfully insightful of her.

Why I'd take swingersville anyday over this.

2008-10-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from Doug's cousin today. Apparently, we got out of CA just in time. There was a shooting right in front of our apartment complex by a 16 year old KID. He was walking down the street with a gun, at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and shot and killed an 18-year-old KID. This is all just a block away from Jared's old school. A school! During school hours, no less. I found the newspaper article, and pasted it below for you all to read. Doug's cousin said our complex was completely blocked off for hours. I'm sure the school went on lockdown too. Did I tell you all that last year the school was put on lockdown 3 times within 3 months? Unbelievable.

The best part? The 16-year-old killer lives in our old complex. Soooooooo glad to be out of there.

LANCASTER - An 18-year-old who had been walking with a friend was fatally wounded after three other teens confronted the pair on a Lancaster street, deputies said.
Kwame Addison and his friend ran after a fistfight broke out, but one of the trio pulled out a gun and fired, hitting Addison several times, deputies said.
"This ain't right," said Evette Gordan, a neighbor and friend of Addison's family. "He lived in L.A. all his life, and then he moves out to Lancaster and gets shot. And it was in broad daylight, two schools are close by, and it is a busy street. Who goes around carrying a gun and starts shooting people?"
Within minutes of the shooting, Lancaster deputies detained five males who were spotted standing outside a nearby apartment complex and who ran when they saw the deputies. One is expected to be released as he was not involved in the shooting, deputies said.
The suspected gunman is a 16-year-old, deputies said. He suffered a cut to his head and was examined by medical personnel.
At the complex, deputies said they discovered bloody shorts and a shirt.
Deputies said Addison and his friend were walking along the sidewalk on Avenue K near Sixth Street East about 2 p.m. Tuesday when they were approached from behind by three teenagers, officials said.
When a fight broke out, Addison ran, but was shot at least three times, deputies said. He ran across an adjoining field, then collapsed on Sixth Street East, close to his house, sheriff's officials said.
Addison was found by neighbors, who heard the shots and tried to help him before calling his mother, Latonya Jones.
"I was inside the house when I heard the shots," said a neighbor, who asked not to be identified. "He was just laying there, full of blood. It looked pretty bad."
Gordan said Addison's mother came to her home to tell her what happened.
"She was banging on the door and yelling, 'My baby has been shot!' " Gordan said.
Addison, in very critical condition, was flown to Providence Holy Cross Medical Center in Mission Hills, where he was pronounced dead, officials said.
After the shooting, more than 20 deputies searched the field looking for blood and other evidence, authorities said. The field as well as Sixth Street East were blocked with patrol cars and crime-scene tape. The apartment house in the 43500 block of Kirkland Avenue was also surrounded with crime-scene tape.
Deputies were waiting for a warrant to search the apartment in which the 16-year-old lived.
Gordan said she was shocked by the shooting.
"He was a good kid," Gordan said of Addison. "You know, he got side-tracked for a little bit, but he was back on. … It is unbelievable. Shot around the corner from his home. Are you serious

Feeling down today.

2008-10-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

It's no secret to many that my marriage isn't the greatest. I won't go into detail, but I am fairly good at sucking it up and just dealing with it. I do have my bad days though, and today is one of them. Nothing unusual was done or said; just feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself today, which is weird because no matter how bad it gets I can get over myself and move on with my day. Shoot, I can't even write well. I'm going to continue though, because this blog is therapy for me. I post every once and a while about my personal struggles, but not nearly as much as I admittedly have them. I'm so glad I've made friends here in AZ, and I promised myself I WOULD NOT be known as that girl with the bad marriage who needs a weekly therapy session at Starbucks to release her never-ending marital drama, looking for a tissue and a pat on the back. NOPE. They do not need to know, and they don't need their lives filled with my drama. Neither do you all. But some days.....some days I simply feel I cannot handle it alone. That's why, my friends, I am letting it out for you all to read. My marriage sucks. Plain and simple. It has been pretty bad for years and years. Some days I try my hardest to pretend it's fine, but usually the truth lurks deep down inside. I have a good way of lying to myself in order to keep from completely falling apart, especially for my kids' sake. I'm pretty sure he does not love me anymore and not to sound completely pitiful, but most days I doubt he cares about me at all. To answer your question, right now there is nothing I can do about this. Maybe one day I can, but now is not the time. So for now, I trudge along in the trenches and try to emotionally survive. Most days I can survive, in fact I have actually learned to thrive. But today, I'm simply trying to breathe.

Why Jade doesn't eat her dinner.

2008-10-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

"Jade, you need to sit down, right now, and eat your green beans."

"But I can't because I'm practicing my magic spells. Watch...."poke the head of google and goggle". See, I told you I need practice."

I seriously have NO IDEA.

A day at the park

2008-10-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

I had to make a post about this because it's the first day since we've been here the temp is below the 90s. It's SO NICE. I actually wore pants today. Not because it was cold, but because I didn't HAVE to wear shorts to not sweat to death. Plus, it's techincally fall, and you better believe I'll wear my jeans in 80 degree weather if I want to!

This just ruined my night.

2008-10-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

Jared made a best friend. He lives a couple of streets over, they ride the same bus, and they are in the same class at school. This kid's name is Alex. For the past two weeks, the boys have been inseparable. Alex either comes here, or Jared goes over there. This week, however, I noticed the visits and playdates have stopped. I really didn't think anything of it until last night when Jared brought up something that made me feel like I was punched in the stomach. Alex has apparently been pushing Jared out of their little circle of friends at school. Alex will literally hold out his arm and physically try and stop Jared from playing with them at recess. Jared will invite him over to the house, and Alex will say things like "I don't want to go to your house. It's dumb." Hello! We have the Wii, and those boys have a BLAST playing it in my living room. You know how I know? Because they scream so dang loud I can't hear my dictation, and I yell at them to keep it down. What does he mean our house is dumb? I served him fruit snacks and a Capri Sun for crying out loud!! Jared even let him play with his new Bionacle. Ugh. I am so upset about this. I'm almost more upset that Jared lets Alex tell him who he can and who he can't play with. Jared is so NOT a passive person, and I want him to assert himself, but he won't with Alex. When Alex "prevents" him from playing with the group at recess, Jared walks away and sits by himself. When Alex tells Jared he can't sit next to him at lunch, Jared leaves and sits by himself. That is just SO SAD. Jared was telling me this last night, and I literally had to drag it out of him. When he admitted everything that was going on, I could see tears welling up behind his eyes. I asked him if Alex's behavior was hurting his feelings, and told him he could tell me if it did. He turned away, wiped his eyes and said "no mom. I don't care." That killed me. I just wanted to scoop him up and hold him and tell him I was so sorry his best friend was being so mean. I wanted to cry with him, and I wanted to fix it. Instead, I told him it was important to not let Alex treat him that way. I told him to stick up for himself, and play with whomever he wants to play with . I told him Alex is NOT his boss, and cannot prevent him from playing with other kids in the group. I'm so sad for him. I have to have faith that things will work out, and that Alex is just going through some bratty phase. Maybe if Jared doesn't tolerate this kind of behavior, Alex won't do it anymore. Or, at least that's what I'm hoping. Growing up is so hard. I thought this stuff only happened to girls.

No more trainng wheels!!

2008-09-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

Jared has a few scrapes and bruises to show for this new milestone, but overall he took to it fairly easily. I think he's pretty pleased with himself, and he should be! His friend down the street rides a two-wheeler so I think that sparked his interest. After a while, as I was putting the bikes and scooter away, I heard everyone head inside from the garage, so I followed once I was finished, and closed the garage door. A couple minutes later I hear the doorbell, and I open the door to find Jade standing with her hand on her hip looking perplexed. "Mom, I can't believe you forgot me!" Well shoot. I guess it's a good thing I only have two.

Hmm...

2008-09-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

Jared swears there's a ghost in the house. Like, he will NOT let it go. He says it's a nice ghost and won't hurt us. He also says he can't really see it, but he can feel it. Okay, now, most of you all know I'm sort-of superstitious and actually DO believe in ghosts. I can't help it--I just do. Having said that, I seriously doubt out house is haunted. If it were, I think I would have noticed it. Right? Wouldn't you have noticed if your house had a ghost? I have not felt anything "off", and I find this house to be very peaceful. Still...I can't help but remember all the orb-y things that came out in our pictures the first couple weeks we lived here. I'm sure it's just dust. In fact, I've told myself that over and over again. I just find it slightly strange that Jared came up with this "ghost" thing all of a sudden. I posted some "orby" picture for you all to view. Dust, right? (The house isn't nearly as dingy as it looks....especially now, since I scrubbed the snot out of the grout) The last pic is the night we moved in. Our nephew Holden is the middle. Notice the orb on the wall above them. Dust. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Look what came in the mail today!

2008-09-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

I totally won this fantastic handbag made my my friend Mushbelly. She did a giveaway on her blog and I whooped everyone's butts and won it! Okay, it was really just the luck of the draw. But still, can I just gloat a little about how darling this thing is? It's even cuter in person. Really--it is!! Plus--and this is a HUGE bonus...it was filled with CANDY. Yep. I bet you're all even more jealous now. The best thing about the bag is that it matches EVERYTHING. I have tons of bold colors in my closet and I can wear just about any color with this purse. So...I took pictures for you all to admire, even though I didn't bother to do my hair today. Jared took the one of me, so that explains my giagantor-like appearance. You'll just have to look past that and focus on my prize. Thanks Mush!

From cockroaches to scorpions

2008-09-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

So, since moving here I've had to get used to a few things:1)Water conservation--seriously, you can't even wash your car without someone shaking their heads at you for all the wasted water trickling down the gutter. 2) No helmet laws for motorcyclists. I think this is just plain crazy--but whatever. I guess technically it really shouldn't have to be a law, but dang I think it's pretty stupid to ride without one. And 3) My fear of scorpions.

Now, since we've been here, which is just over a month I've seen two. The first one was a little baby scorpion in the dining room. I didn't freak out--I remained calm --okay relatively calm. I was more surprised than anything. I went to grab a broom to smack the little sucker and it shot fast as lightening (kind of like a cockroach) under a tv. I wasn't about to move it, so I went back to doing my daily routine. Since most of my routine consists of sitting in the computer chair nowadays, I completely lucked out where the scorpion is concerned. A couple of hours later, I saw something lying flat and definitely squished on my tile floor near my computer desk. Yep, the scorpion. My weight and computer chair did the dirty work for me. All I had to do was scrape him off. Done! No more scorpion. That night I had nightmares about little scorpions crawling into bed with me. I checked everyone's bedding every night for weeks afterward.

Fast forward to yesterday. Jade and I were in the garage, taking the trash can out to the curb for today's pickup. I hear Jade screaming and hopping up and down talking about a "big yellow disgusting scorpion". I walk over, thinking it's just some beetle or something because she always over-reacts to bugs. (where does she get that from?) Well, sure enough there was a big yellow scorpion crawling towards the car. You know what I did about it? Nothing. Not a dang thing. I was secretly glad it crawled under the tire so I literally could not get to it. I admit it--I'm too much of a wuss to kill it. The thing creeps me out man. And, it's still there. In the garage. Somewhere. I do NOT want to deal with it. Doug won't take care of it. I won't take care of it. I guess we just won't go in the garage ever again--unless we need to go somewhere. Crap.

It's time!

2008-09-21T21:01:00.000-07:00

9/22/08

This has been a very long time coming, and Doug and I have been going through withdrawls for months. Finally the day has arrived and I'm giddy as a virgin on her wedding night. I think I'll even make treats for the occasion.

It's like I'm dating all over again.

2008-09-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

My friend Marie says I have to put myself out there, insecurities and all, and be confident about who I am. She says I need to reach out, and not to be afraid to make connections with people; and that sometimes making new friends is like dating. Some people will connect with you, and others won't. Well, I'm putting myself out there. I'm doing it.

Remember Alegra ? She's with the property management company I called when we lived in CA. She and her husband took Doug all over Anthem to look at homes and we didn't choose any of them. We went with a different pm company. Well, the first week we moved here, we actually ran into them at the park. I really kind of wanted to hide, but of course they recognized Doug and struck up an conversation with him. He introduces me to them, and Alegra puts my phone # in her phone because she wants to get together! They are honestly the nicest people ever. Since that meeting we've had 3 playdates and we're all going out to dinner together tomorrow night. She and I clicked immediately, and our girls are now great friends. Alegra also invited me to church on Sunday to hear her sing. I think we'll go this time, but I told her I was inactive LDS, at which point she gets a huge smile on her face and tells me she grew up in Salt Lake. Ha! She and I had an interesting and respectful religious discussion yesterday. She's very fond of Mormons and her best friends growing up were all LDS. She understands the "Mormon culture" perfectly and we had a great time joking about the "coke-drinkers" and the "non coke-drinkers". Anyway, I'm so glad I met up with her. I really think she and I will become great friends.

And THEN, I was asked to be in a book club! Several of the moms at the bustop and I talk in the mornings and afternoons. One of the ladies, named Evie, moved here from Washington 4 months ago and really misses her club. She asked if I'd like to be a part of her group if she gets one going. I told her I'd LOVE to! I'm really hoping Evie gets this started so I can get to know other moms in the neighborhood. This morning I actually asked two of the bustop moms out on a Starbucks coffee/bagel date for Tuesday morning. I was really nervous to ask, but I had Marie's words of advice ringing in my ears to put myself out there. Well, it worked, and we are meeting at 9 am. I can't believe I'm making friends! Yay!

Pictures, lots. Post is at bottom, for some reason.

2008-09-17T22:40:00.001-07:00

Poor kid. This slide's sooooo fast. He always comes up gasping for air--and then promptly goes back up the steps for another ride.

Okay, Jared is actually underneath the dang innertube. As soon as he hit the water he sank.

I love how Jared looks like he's using "The Force" on me. *It is not time to go home.*

We'll see how many I can get in one post. Jared had a half day today, so I took the kids to the waterpark at the community center. All the community center fees are paid with the HOA. It's really nice to just pack up and drive down the road to the waterslides pretty much whenever we want (as long as they're open). I was in a bad mood today and I hoped this would get me out of my funk. It helped a little. Jared's driving me batty, being as obnoxious as he possibly can get away with. I don't know what's with that kid. I've had no desire to be around him these past few days. I hope he doesn't sense that. He asked for bedtime snuggles tonight, (different from bedtime hugs and kisses) which I gave. I felt a little better snuggling and talking with him in his bed. Maybe he does sense my distance....

Anyway, on to pics!!

Secondly, for the latest town gossip, go to the local hairdresser.

2008-09-16T15:46:00.001-07:00

Yes, I cut my hair. It was to my mid to lower back, full of frayed and split ends and it was time to chop that crap off. And, I like it muuuuch better.

Anyway, as I was saying, I got the scoop on our little "Stepford community"--which is what I call it because it looks picture perfect on the outside with its tidy yards, and immaculate parks. Even the wives here have skinny little work-out bodies and perky, bouncy boobies to match. But ohhh yes, a dirty little secret lies within. Amanda, my new hairdresser dished all the juicy gossip while she was chopping my golden locks. Apparently, there's an interesting little upper-class-type sushi, martini bar here in town called "Off the Hook" (cool name right?). Well, at this swankified hot spot there's much more going on then sipping martinis. There's wife swapping. WIFE SWAPPING. I'm serious--and disgusted. There's some big fish bowl at the end of the bar where you dump your keys in. Whoever picks up your keys gets your wife for the night, and you get his. I guess it's some big underground thing here. Like, PTA moms, lawyers, teachers, and even cops have this secret double life they lead when the sun goes down. No one really admits to it....but it does happen. A lot. Supposedly it was even on Oprah. She had a few couples from Anthem talk about their swinging lifestyles, and they even pointed out that it was one of the biggest swingers communities in the country. Yikes! I've also been told to watch for the painted white rocks in the front yard. I guess that's their "part of the club" sign. So far I haven't seen any--and yes I have been looking. Oh, you know you would too! So, anyway I did learn a lot about this new town of ours, mostly things I didn't want to know. But, hey...honestly it's a really great place for kids, the people are nice, the area is clean, the crime rate is low, and what do I care what people do behind closed doors? Yes, it's gross, and creepy, but it's kind of considered a thing on the "down low", so as long as it stays that way I'm perfectly happy here--just won't be going to any sushi bars.

Firstly, the house...

2008-09-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

I'm alive. I promise. There's been so much to blog about, that it felt overwhelming, so my solution was to just put it off. But, I can't do it any longer! It's time to show you all our house, and I think each day I'll try to catch you all up with everything else that's been going on these three weeks. First off, we really love the house. It's a perfect floorplan and size for us, and I'm soooooo happy to finally have a backyard! There's grass, (and weeds) shrubs, bushes with flowers, and a pretty nice covered patio. Love it! Also, we have tile. A LOT of tile. Granted, it's not throughout the entire house, just the wet areas-- but STILL...I'm realizing tile is going to be a big pain in my butt. First off, the grout is DISGUSTING. Seriously nasty stuff we're talking here. I have no idea when the last time it was cleaned, or even IF it's been cleaned. Who knows what kind of nasty little organisms are growing in there. So, I got on this huge vinegar-cleans-everything kick, and bought a scrub brush, and some baking soda, and doused the heck out of out tile with vinegar. I scrubbed, and scrubbed and SCRUBBED. My house smelled like an Easter Egg afterwards but to my surprise, it worked!! It's not perfect by a longshot but what a huge difference it made!! I'm so proud of my accomplishment. I did about half the floor today, and I think I'll do the rest tomorrow.

So, there's that. Now, let me tell you about these thunderstorms. They're SPECTACULAR. I literally park myself on the porch and watch in wonder as the lightening illuminates the sky. Sometimes there's so much activity it's like I'm watching a strobe light in the clouds. The kids love it too. I've taught them to appreciate the storms, and not be afraid of them. The kids get so excited to hear thunder in the distance, and they run to the window or beg to go outside. I told Jade God was watering the plants. Cute right? Hey whatever works!

Oh, don't you just love that sunset? We have them like that EVERY NIGHT.

So, here are some pics of the living/kitchen/dining area.

It's almost time!

2008-08-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's the big day! It's been a little hectic trying to pack while Doug's gone, as I'm packing up most of the apartment by myself. I've had some help, thank goodness for my sisters-in-law!!

I'd take a picture of the chaos that is my apartment, but I've packed the camera. Amidst the boxes, and the mess, the disorganization, and all the phone calls I'm supposed to remember to make, the kids are driving me insane...to say the LEAST. It's like the day before Christmas and they simply can't contain themselves. I spend my days yelling at them, mostly because Jared tries his hardest to make the most annoying high pitch-deep-throated-blood-curdling "monster roar" he can make (and if it isn't loud enough, he'll make it louder). He'll chase Jade around the apartment making this ear defiling noise (I'm telling you it's enough to want to lock the kid in the closet). She runs screaming at the top her lungs (of course) and attaches herself to my leg. Her scream is even worse because it's like 12 octaves higher. So, they scream, I yell. That's pretty much been our interaction for the past week.

Doug's coming home tonight though, and by tomorrow at least they'll have a backyard to scream in. Hopefully we'll have nice neighbors. Doug's sis and her hubby are helping us and they're staying the weekend out there. Hopefully we can get some fun activities in Saturday night so they won't be spending their entire vacation time moving us. Anyway, that's my update. Screaming kids and boxes. Sounds like fun right?

a slight dilemma - my little guilt trip.

2008-08-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

When Doug and I decided to move to Anthem, I got in contact with several property management companies. One of them was VERY helpful and found an entire list of properites with our criteria. When Doug came out to view them, the husband and wife team of said property management took him around the entire town, and showed him a dozen or so houses as well as the local ammenities. This took HOURS out of their busy schedule, and probably cost them a small bundle's worth of gas.

The problem? We didn't really like any of the houses. I mean, we DID like them, but they just weren't really fit for us. The really nice ones were a little too big for us, and a little more then we wanted to spend. The house in my previous post was a waaaay better deal price-wise, and the floor plan was more "us". Unfortunately we are going through a different PM company. Soooooo, now I feel just a little guilty about not renting from the husband and wife team. I mean, what should I say? We've been e-mailing back and forth and I told her we were still in the process of deciding (because we haven't been approved yet for the house we really want). Last night she sent me an e-mail saying something like "I'm assuming you won't be renting from us, and that's just fine. Let me know if you need any help moving in, we can find people to lend a hand. Also, our kids are the same age, so if you want to set up a playdate, contact me". Okay, isn't she just the sweetest? I'm thinking I want to give her a little thank-you card with a gift certificate to a restaurant or something just to let her know how much we appreciated their time and effort. I mean, they really went above and beyond the duties of your average management company. I hope they're not too mad at us. I hate dealing with stuff like this.

We've found our house

2008-08-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

I know the pictures are a little dark, because Doug didn't open all the blinds before he took these. But, here's our house (most likely). We'll find out for sure either today or Monday. But, there's pretty much no way we'll be denied. It's 1633 square feet, and it was built between 2002-2004 so it's fairly new. I'm excited. There's a laundry room!! That means I no longer have to carry the laundry basket full of 5 loads of nasty clothes across the parking lot to the communal cat pee-smelling laundry room! That also means I'm done cleaning other peoples' bodily hair out of the lint trap! Yay for upgrades!! The house is in Anthem, and located across from the community park. I don't care how small the kitchen is at this point. It's $5 a month LESS than what we're paying for this craphole. Now, you all MUST get excited with me about that!!

Ah, family get togethers

2008-08-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

are so much fun, especially when the mother-in-law storms out in a teary-eyed huff. This time it was my fault - sort of.

Everything was going well. She actually showed up this time to her grandchild's birthday party, which these days is a rarity. To be fair, her health is failing and she has a really hard time getting out of bed most days. So anyway, to our surprise she shows up, and after dinner she and my sister-in-law Mandi, and I were sitting together discussing an estranged family member. Mandi and I were defending said family member against mother-in-law's accusations about her. I have been getting VERY tired of the way this person has been portrayed by mother-in-law for YEARS. Now she's back on the warpath again, spewing venom about her very own daughter, which for the LIFE of me I don't understand. I ended up getting a little too emotional about the whole thing and opened my big mouth - basically contradicting every rotten thing coming out of mother-in-law's mouth. I tried doing this in a "nice" way, I guess to show her the error of her thoughts, and explain to her that this family member (her own daughter, remember?) has really tried to make a change in her life, and if she could just meet her in the middle, think of how great it would be to have so-and-so back in the family again. She wouldn't have it. ANY of it. She got really pissy when we didn't side with her, and at this point, Mandi brilliantly left the conversation. I should have followed her lead. I stayed, and it got worse. Much worse. She brought up something that happened years ago, which DID NOT happen the way she said it did. I called her on it, (nicely, I promise) and told her it didn't exactly happen that way - and that was the end of it. She couldn't handle it, and off she went crying into the bathroom. Dad came into the living room and made excuses for her telling everyone she wasn't feeling well - something about her ankle being swollen, so they had to leave. After about 5 minutes she exits the bathroom and makes a b-line to the front door without a word to anyone. How's that for drama?

Now, the reason I'm blogging about it, is I really can't let it go. It's upsetting to me. I'm upset because SHE's upset....because she acts like a 5 year old tantrum-thrower if she doesn't get her way. We were having an ADULT discussion, we were debating both sides of certain issues, and because I didn't agree with her she gets to act like a baby. I love my mother-in-law, in fact we are very close, like mother and daughter. We always have been close. I hope our relationship isn't damaged, but I'm sure she'll always hold this little episode against me. To be honest though, it was bound to happen. I'm so appalled at the way she speaks of her own daughter I couldn't hold it in anymore. Something had to be said. So, in that respect, I don't feel it was my fault. At least one thing's certain, it'll make saying goodbye a little easier when we move.

Our last lunch date.

2008-08-01T14:26:00.001-07:00

Ursula was the first person I met out here besides Doug's family. She's been cutting his hair since he was 16. Doug figured she wouldn't like me because she really wanted him for her daughter. He was wrong! She liked me immediately because "I looked so German"--which is a good thing because she's from Germany. Over the years we've developed a friendship over pasta lunches at Olive Garden. Her husband hates the place, and so does Doug. So, we escape every now and then and stuff ourselves on breadsticks and salad, and gossip about our husbands. She adores the kids so much she jokes about banking Doug's sperm so her daughter can have beautiful blue-eyed babies like mine. Europeans can be a little forward.

I love her dearly, and I'll miss her very much. We'll meet up again in Sedona in a few months while they're there on vacation.

I caught Jared red-handed

2008-07-31T11:32:00.000-07:00

Shut it. Maybe he'll be the next Collier Strong from Project Runway okay? At least he's not applying it on himself.

Note to self: Hide these from Doug.

Recipe Review--edited

2008-07-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

The Daily Bite fans have been asked to review their favorite recipe. So, I'm going to steal their pictures of liquid gold (or buttermilk syrup if you want to be all "technical") and tell you all to throw your rice cakes out the window and just EAT IT.

So, here's what you do for the most FANTASTIC topping to pancakes, waffles, or french toast--maybe even vanilla ice cream:
Go here

Okay, now that I've given you the recipe, go make it. DO IT. I'm telling you this syrup is WAAAAAAYYY better then maple. And, if you're like me you'll need to make it for dinner because I can't handle eating spoonfuls of that stuff in the morning. Yes, I said spoonfuls.

That site also has a ton of other great recipes I've tried. The fajitas are fantastic, and so are their spicey honey chicken and french dip sandwiches.

Now go out there and make some buttermilk syrup!!

I've changed my mind about Peoria.

2008-07-27T23:25:00.001-07:00

This is Anthem. It's 20 miles north of Phoenix. It's a golf course community with a little water park in the center of town. It has a gaggle of parks, and one of them even has a fishing lake! How cool is that! Oh, AND it has an outlet malll. The town itself is 4 miles long and most of the homes are 6 years old or less. This is soooo my kind of place. Except...I don't golf. But who CARES!! It has a waterpark! And a fishing lake! And a gaggle of parks!!

I just realized my new profile pic looks kind of scary--like I'm about to hunt you down or something. I'll leave it up for now. Maybe it'll scare off any icky stalkers--not to be confused with my regular stalkers. (People, I know you read even though you don't leave comments. I'm okay with that, I do it too.)

Packing is a pain in my big white booty.

2008-07-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know from my earlier post how completely unorganized and scatterbrained I can be. I literally do NOT know how to put things together in a clean, organized way. Luckily for me, my good friend Donnie came out this weekend. She's freakishly good at cleaning and organizing, and she worked her magic on the kids' room. We packed up their closet, with the exception of a few clothing items to get them through the next two weeks. We also tackled the toy chests, under the beds, the dresser, the games, and all but one little corner in their room. I'm embarrassed to say that it took just over 5 hours to complete the process. The room was such a disaster, that when she moved the dresser, clothes were literally stuck to the walls. So,here's the before shot. (Note: everything has been pushed to the center of the room. This is NOT how the room normally looks. I needed to point that out. Child protective services would crap themselves. It's my blog, and I can say crap.)

And here's where we put all the junk. Notice it's all put back in a clean, organized way.

Donnie decided we must reward ourselves with pedis and manis, so we headed off to the spa the next morning. Although, I have to say I'm soooo not used to being pampered, and the ladies at the spa thought it was hilarious when I was giggling as my feet were being scrubbed. It tickles. Shut up. It DOES!

The worst part of the spa experience? Getting something taken care of that I've been neglecting for 30 years. My eyebrows. I've always tried to cover them up with my glasses or bangs, but sadly it was time to conform to society and wax them. They're not quite as thin as they look in the picture. Donnie said she could hear me yelping in pain at the front of the spa.

My little movie review.

2008-07-24T08:34:00.001-07:00

I'm all for dark movies, but this was REALLY dark. Heath Ledger was amazing. His portrayal of the Joker was perfectly creepy and sadistic. If this was the last movie he made, he sure went out with a bang. The role of the Joker has been rewritten, and no one can possibly reprise it. Heath Ledger IS the Joker. It's sad to think a talent of that callibur has passed away. I know I'll always have so much respect for him now that I have seen how truely brilliant he was.

In 30 years

2008-07-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've learned about myself:

~I'll never be completely comfortable in my own skin.
~I'll always be self-conscious, and it's not something I'll ever "grow out of"
~I have a wild side which, no matter how hard I try to stifle it and be as conservative as my parents, will always seem rear it's head.
~Patience is one of my biggest struggles.
~I'm always more concerned about what other people think of me, than what I think of myself.
~I'm a follower
~The history of the world is my passion.
~Sushi isn't really gross.
~Classic rock is far better than rap.
~If I could have any talent of my choosing, it would be singing.
~The gospel actually DOES make sense.
~The study of medicine isn't gross at all. In fact, it's fascinating.
~I'll never have a lot of friends. A handfull of good ones is all I need.
~I'm stronger than I thought I was.
~Sometimes I just gotta dance.
~I'll always be disorganized, and the thought of organization gives me a panic attack.
~I'm intuitive
~I'm needy, and constantly searching for approval.
~I do not hide anything. My life is an open book.
~I am not beauty-savvy. I do not know how to apply make-up correctly, or style my hair.
~I have no "decorating sense"
~I LOVE food.
~Big bugs make me scream.
~Being married and a mother is not what I expected it to be.
~I must go back to Europe.
~I love science fiction.
~I don't have a crafty bone in my body.
~I'm kind of lazy, and I could sit around all day and to nothing if I really wanted to.
~I'm obsessed with the Olympics, and I cannot miss ANYTHING.
~Music can literally move me to tears.
~I'll always be interested in the supernatural.
~My family feels incomplete.
~I'm very compassionate.
~I don't feel like an adult, even though I'm 30.

This list will be interesting to reflect on in 10 years.

Doug's taking me to see "The Dark Knight" tonight, and then we'll drive to Valencia to go to dinner at Fridays. I'm looking forward to their Jack Daniel's steak and shrimp. The kids both made me cute little birthday cards. They were so sweet this morning!

I want this house.

2008-07-22T10:32:00.001-07:00

I want it bad. It's so flipping cute, and I love the colors. In fact, I want it so bad it's all I can think about. So, I guess that's why I'm blogging about it. The outside's just as cute as the inside. I'll give you all a hint, it's in Peoria; which is about 10 miles northwest of Phoenix. It's $50 a month more than we're paying for our apartment. Cute right?

We're outta here!

2008-07-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's time to tell you all the news, which many of you already know. Doug got transferred to Phoenix. Now, to many of you Phoenix may sound like the depths of hell since the summers last six months or so. But to us, it may be a new life, with an actual HOUSE with a YARD, and a GARAGE. We are so sick of living in the meth capitol of the state, where the crime rate is well above the national average.

Since we've lived here:
~ we've heard gunshots twice in our apartment complex.
~ We've heard death threats made to other tenants at 3am.
~Jared's school was put on lockdown 3 times within a 2 month period, which means an assault or burglary was made in the neighborhood with the criminal on the loose.
~ Our neighbor tried to start a fight with us when we asked him to turn down his stereo at 11:00 at night.
~I clean other people's lint out of the communal dryer.
~The pool is literally cloudy.
~The city built a TON of section 8 housing out here for the LA scumbags to relocate to.
~My car was backed into, and now they are blaming ME, and claiming injury.
~The murder rate statistics are just about 14 times higher than the Phoenix suburb we'll be moving to.
~Directly across the street from my in laws, a man was shot in the face with a shotgun.
~The schools here are among the worst in the state.

I'm soooo ready for a change. I'll definitely sweat my butt off in AZ, but I'll take the heat any day for a better life for the kids.

We leave in less than 30 days. Hallelujah!!

Oh boy.

2008-07-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I passed by the kids' bedroom and overheard this:

Jared: "It's okay Jade, it happens to EVERYBODY! You'll be fine Jade, I promise"
Jade: (runs out of the room in tears) "Mooooom, am I really going to turn into a boy?"

Jared's in his room laughing hysterically, of course.

A setback

2008-07-16T17:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday night I had the best time, and now I kind of feel like crap. Doug and I were invited out to "Howl at the Moon". It's a dueling piano bar in Hollywood where they play anything from The Beatles, to Guns and Roses--whatever is requested. The audience participates and it's a really GREAT time. They actually get a full band going after about 9 or so. I told Doug I wouldn't drink. He really wanted me to-- I guess my sobriety is a killjoy of sorts. I swore to myself I wouldn't. As soon as I got there and smelled the place I caved under pressure. A few rum and cokes later I found myself and a few other 30-something moms rocking out on stage to "Pour Some Sugar On Me". Luckily for me, the proof that I can shake my groove thang was hindered by the crappy video quality of Doug's phone. I wonder if it's possible to have that much fun while sober. *Sigh*. Probably not.

Back to square one. I was doing so well.

I am back!!

2008-07-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been going through blogger withdrawals, but I've been too lazy to post. But no more!

Last week we went up to Big Bear for a family camp out. Doug's brother Zach is deploying to Iraq in few weeks, and this was the one thing he really wanted to do. It was fun I suppose. The first day we were there we sat our butts around the campground and got eaten by mosquitoes. (I posted a picture of my lovely bites so you could all feel sorry for me. The swelling in my ankle has gone down considerably, but it sure was nasty looking wasn't it?)I think we were too lazy and too hot to hike. That night, we put the kids to bed around 9, and the adults decided to play cards. Wouldn't you just know a flipping BLACK BEAR was going through the trash cans only a few yards away from us and our sleeping babies? Yeeeaaah. We scared it off, only to have him come back a few minutes later. This time when we scared him off, he ran towards MY tent. Right behind it in fact. I don't think I mentioned to you all that Doug actually had to work those three days, and he WASN'T THERE. Luckily the bear was frightened enough to run off into the woods and we didn't see him again that night. As you can imagine I was freaking out. Just a little. After I saw how close he was to my tent I decided I'd better go to bed with my sleeping children and somehow protect them (with my fists?) from the bear who I was sure would come back and maul us all. I immediately put my purse in the car which had gum and chap stick in it, just to make sure he had no reason to bother us. I was still scared though, and I think I prayed myself to sleep!

The next day we went to the lake and had a great time. No one got sunburned even! How cool is that! Anyway, that was the gist of my week. Oh, and it looks like we'll be moving to AZ in the next month. I'll post more about that later.

Our 4th

2008-07-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went up to Bakersfield as we usually do for the 4th. My grandparents are up there, and my parents drove up from Flagstaff to be with all of us. It was bittersweet. I'm still trying to cope, and I'm pretty down today.

My grandfather is in really bad shape. He has a slew of lung problems, one of which was MRSA pneumonia. He's free and clear of that now, but he also has a type of non-contagious tuberculosis that is literally making him fight for air. Last week my grandmother fell down some stairs and broke her femur. She ended up needing surgery, and right now she's in convalescent care until she can move around by herself. She's undergoing a TON of physical therapy so she can get out of there and go home--but once she's there, we don't know how she'll move around since their home is a bungalow-style one with steps leading up to the house. The same night she fell, my grandfather went into respiratory distress, called the paramedics, and we later found out he suffered a pretty major heart attack. So...he was in ICU, and grandma was in the hospital for her leg all on the same day. Last week was pretty rough.

Yesterday, as per tradition we all headed up to the house, packed our swimwear, and bought some really cool fireworks to set off. When we arrived, the second I saw grandpa I wanted to embrace him and cry. He was feeble and shaky, and there was no spark in his eyes. He looked defeated, sad, and helpless. I realized the time I have been dreading since I was a little girl was near. This was the man who proudly flew the American flag every 4th of July from the pole he cemented into his driveway. He's the Marine who paraded around his living room - old rifle in hand as he watched the Marine Corps band on an Independence Day TV special. He's the proud Korean War veteran sharpshooter who would have gladly died for his country. He's the bravest man I know, who gave up 30 years of smoking the day he finished the Book of Mormon. He's the loving grandfather who took us to the beach in the summer when we were little, and spoiled us rotten for an entire week out of every year. The funny thing is, he's not even biologically my grandfather. He's my "step-dad's" father, whom I've known since I was three. I've never known a life without him and I've always secretly wished I was blood related -- most of the time I forgot I wasn't.

It was hard to see him broken yesterday, and I've had a really hard time accepting what's inevitably going to happen. Both of my grandparents are so dear to me, and I honestly can't imagine what life will be like without them. It's time to start imagining though, because I know the time is near. I don't want to talk about the fireworks or the BBQ or all the swimming we did yesterday. None of that matters at all. I just wanted to share a little with you about my dear sweet grandfather. Last night as we left, I asked him to call me if there was anything he needed. His only reply was "just visit". I think he knows too.

The weekend in a nutshell.

2008-06-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Saturday found Jade and I shopping for a swimsuit - for me. Does anyone dread this as much as I do? I'd *almost* rather go to the DMV. Almost.

We started at Target where pretty much ALL the tankinis were sold out. Jade swore I'd look cute in a little string bikini, and put the same yellow one in the cart at least 5 times. Maybe if I obliged her and tried it on in the dressing room, she'd have seen how completely wrong she was. Anyway, disappointed, we left and drove out 10 miles or so to Kohl's. They had a slightly better selction, but it still took us about 2 hours to finally find one that actually fits right. I have small boobs and a huge booty, so the top of my suit is two sizes smaller than the bottoms! I finally settled on a cute floral-looking top, and a little tennis-looking skirt for the bottom. I actually really like it, and it's slimming in all the right places! Woot!

Let's seeeee. Sunday found us driving around Lancaster to find Guitar Hero 4. We finally did, at Game Stop - and they about kicked us out because they were closing. The guy was being a real jerk about it too. Maybe he had a hot date that night or something. GH4 is pretty cool. It's a tribute to Aerosmith, and has some pretty great songs on there.

After the kids went to bed, Doug and I watched "Enemy at the Gates" with (yummy) Jude Law and Rachel Weiz. Being the history nerd I am, I couldn't stop thinking about it this morning, so I just spent a couple hours (instead of cleaning my kitchen) researching the Battle of Stalingrad. Who does that? I mean really. I'm such a dork.

Sorry about the boring post today.

yesterday's outing

2008-06-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be cleaning the bathrooms, but I'm going to blog about ducks instead. I'm not really in the mood to scrub dried pee off the floor anyway.

After preschool yesterday Doug's cousin and sister invited us to go feed the ducks at a nearby park. So, of course I took pictures! Dude, those geese mean business when you run out of bread. One of them got pretty bossy and ran down my nephew Holden, then nipped him in the crotch. For split second I thought about letting him duke it out with the goose by himself while I ran to grab the camera. But, that would have been mean. So off I went to rescue him. (He's the redhead in the pics with the yellow shirt.) Luckily he's not too traumatized by the ordeal. The kids enjoyed themselves, and overheated a little--and they were so exhausted they fell to the floor when I opened the door to our air conditioned apartment. You know what's nice about that? No fighting and no whining, just peace and quiet, and REST. Good times.

Apparently I'm a floatation device.

2008-06-24T19:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday in the pool...

Jared: "Mom, I'm going to get on your back when we get to the deep end because your butt will keep us from sinking."

I guess it's time to go back to the gym.

My scary experience and a possible explanation

2008-06-23T09:20:00.001-07:00

I think there are only 2 of you who have been with this blog from the start. I wrote a post a few years ago about an experience I had when I was 19. I'm going to have to copy and paste it because for some reason when I go into the archives to link it for you, it brings up all my posts for that entire year. I figured you all didn't want to sift through a year's worth of posts, so here it is copied and pasted for your viewing pleasure. It'll end up being a long post today, but you know you're like me and have nothing better to do! (well, I'm sure some of you do, but I sure don't!) Now, the reason I'm bringing this up again, is because I made a discovery yesterday. I did a little research and found a "possible" scientific explanation. Read, and I'll explain

Tuesday, April 05, 2005
a freaky story I wanted to share

I've decided to post this story because it was something that happened to me in my youth. I realize some of you out there may have a certain opinion on this, and that's fine. But here is my story as I can recall.

Right out of high school whas when I broke free of my parents and my religeon. I got a car, a 1993 Ford Escort to take me anywhere my heart desired. For the first time in my life I had a taste of freedom and I loved it. In fact, I went a little wild. In my heart of hearts I knew certain things I was doing was wrong. It just wasn't really who I was at the core. I just liked the attention I got when I acted a certain way, and did certain things. I was trying new things that were labled "evil" growing up. I drank, I smoked, I smoked pot, I lied, I stole money from my parents, I dated too many boys, and I had a great time. Living like that was great. I felt so free of the religeous shackels that held me all my life. I broke all the rules, rebelled in every sense of the word. I rebelled against my parents, I rebelled against the church. I was an all around sinner folks, and I was out of my parents control. I was every mormon father's nightmare. If you compare me to the avarage teenager, I was probably just the same.

At the peak of this rebellion is when it happened. I woke up one morning to find myself paralyzed. I could only blink and breathe. I couldn't move my limbs or move my mouth. I lay there completly helpless. My eyes were open and I was looking into my closet. The radio was on and I could hear the dj talking about the weather. I could hear our sheltie Danny Boy barking at the people as they walked along the sidewalk on the other side of the fence. I was completly concious and awake. And fozen. There was a darkness around and inside me, only I couldn't physically see it. I felt it, and I could hear it. It came in waves, each one stonger then the next. The only way to describe how it sounded is to turn up your speakers as loud as they go without any music. The sound of an electric hum, or charge, maybe like from a guitar amp. The sound filled my ears and my head. I could visualize a light inside my head and each time the wave came the light dimmed. I thought of a lighthouse and fog rolling in to smother the light. I think I was the light. Each time the darkness came the light became weaker and I could feel myself slipping somewhere. My limbs started to tingle. Some part of me wanted to embrace the darkness because I felt I couldn't defeat it. I started praying, singing church songs in my head, trying to open my mouth to utter a prayer. Each time I did this, the light became brighter and I felt stronger, and then it would take me again. We struggled with one another for what seemed like 10-15 minutes, but was probably only a few seconds. I came to the decision to outshine it no matter what it took. I was stronger, I would prevail. No one will ever take control of me. Ever.

I mustered up all the spiritual strength I had. I reached into the depths of my soul. I found I was able to move my lips. I then opened my mouth and was finally able to mutter "in the name of Jesus Christ depart". I don;t know why I said that, or quite where it came from, but as soon as I said those words, I was free. Everything was right as rain again, and I rolled onto my back and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I called my dad at work and told him what happened. He told me it was a dream. My mother said the same thing. Many of you may say the same also. I happen to think there are a few experiences in life that are profound, and they teach us lessons. That. to me was one of those experiences. I realize this may not be wise to post on the internet, but I have since met others who have had very similar experiences. Maybe someone out there in blogsville has too.

Posted by rubyjade at 4:54 PM

Okay. As I said in that post, it was a very profound experience for me. And, it's something I have NEVER forgotten. It was very real, very frightening, and almost scarring in the fact that for years I had a horrible time falling asleep. All this time I had attributed it to the fact that I was falling away from the church when it happened, and that's WHY it happened. Here is what I found, straight from Wikipedia:

Sleep paralysis is a common condition characterized by transient partial or total paralysis of skeletal muscles and areflexia that occurs upon awakening from sleep or less often while falling asleep. Stimuli such as touch or sound may terminate the episode, which usually has a duration of seconds to minutes.....
Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger [3]. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations[4]. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. Some scientists have proposed this condition as a theory for alien abductions and ghostly encounters.[5]....Symptoms of sleep paralysis can be either one of the following or a combination:

Paralysis: this occurs after waking up or shortly before falling asleep. The person cannot move any body part, cannot speak, and only has minimal control over blinking and breathing. This paralysis is the same paralysis that occurs when dreaming. The brain paralyzes the muscles to prevent possible injury during dreams, as some body parts may move during dreaming. If the person wakes up suddenly, the brain may still think that it is dreaming, and sustains the paralysis.
Hallucinations: Images or speaking that appear during the paralysis. The person may think that someone is standing beside them or they may hear strange sounds. These may be dreamlike, possibly causing the person to think that they are still dreaming. Often it is reported as feeling a weight on one's chest, as if being underneath a person or heavy object.
These symptoms can last from mere seconds to several minutes (although they can feel like much longer) and can be frightening to the person. There may be some body movement, but it is very unlikely and hard for a person to accomplish.

Now, I realize this is only a possible explanation, but the fact that it is scientifically considered an actual sleep disorder (there is a ton of info on sleep disorder websites) comforts me in knowing I may not have been "visted by an evil spirit". (something I have been trying to deal with for 10 years) My point in this post, is to share the information with others. I have met quite a few poeple who have had very similar experiences to mine and it's a horrifying experience, silly as it may sound. The hallucinations are very real, and although I didn't actually see anything in the room with me, I could feel and hear it. I still will never know for sure if there was in fact an entity in the room with me, or my body trying to wake from REM sleep but it's nice to know there is an alternative answer.

Taking after her mom

2008-06-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

So, before Jade's bath this morning she makes a startling discovery.

Her: "Ooooohhhh I have smaaaalll boobies!!"

Yeah. I've been saying that my whole life.

And, just to show you all how cute she is, here's a pic of her playing "Rachael Ray".

DIS. GUS. TING.

2008-06-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

My downstairs neighbors probably think I'm being stabbed or tortured at various times throughout the day because of my sporadic loud screams. I can't even Google and post a picture of what freaks me out because I'll probably scream all over again and wake up the kids. Or, at the very least get the willie-nillies so bad I'll need to comfort myself with another brownie. And, that just won't do. So what's so incredibly horrible it makes me drop whatever I'm holding onto my big toe and let out a blood-curdling scream that sends Jared rushing into the kitchen thinking I must have surely cut off or stabbed part of my body? (How's that for a run-on sentence? Take THAT grammarians!) Want to know?

A cockroach. Yep. Big ones. Huge ones. Red disgusting creepy ones. I'd say they're at least 2-3 inches long. Did you read that?? INCHES people!! Every couple of days now we (I) find one of those nasty creatures in our sink. They only appear in the summer and they crawl up the drains to get water. Last summer I called the apartment manager freaking out, and she assured me there was no infestation, that they are "water bugs", ( Well, no lady. They are cockroaches) and that when the weather is cooler they'll go away. Well, she was right. They did go away. And all was fine and dandy in the world again until last week. They're back. And, back with a vengeance. I think they're bigger this year. The thing is, I literally CANNOT handle them. I can't kill them, I can't catch them, I can't even watch them crawl. I just stand there and scream and jump up and down and freak the heck out. I can handle spiders. I can handle poop, throw-up, bees, wasps...all no problem. Get me within viewing distance of a cockroach, and all reasoning goes out the window. I instantly panic, I have heart palpitations, and I literally cannot breathe. It's a little dramatic, I know but I can't help it! Now, the question is what the heck am I going to do if one of those monsters shows up while Doug is at work? I've been really trying to figure this one out. I wish Jared was one of those kids who thinks bugs are really cool, but he's not. I'm sure my reaction to them doesn't help the situation either. He's not necessarily AFRAID of them, he just doesn't really know how to handle them. They're fast suckers, and HUGE (3 inches, remember?). So far we've been able to just wash them back down the drain again. I can't bring myself to run the disposal on one. That's just....yuck....and eeeewwww I can't even discuss that right now. I wish there was a way of catching them and then flushing them down the toilet. Doug has done this, only I can't stand to watch. He needs to teach Jared how to trap it. I think I'll make that Jared's goal this summer, and I'll give him a nice reward to make it worth his while.

*As I'm typing this "Starship Troopers" is on TV in the background. Remember that movie? That's the one with the giant bugs with disgusting green guts that squirt everywhere. How's that for irony? Blech.

I wonder what our mailman thinks

2008-06-19T00:06:00.001-07:00

when he puts the Ensign and Maxim in our box on the same day.

Why....

2008-06-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

are there so many crazy Mormons? Do the Catholics have their crazies? The Jews? How about the Protestants? I swear, every ward I have ever belonged to has a handful of people who are a few fries short of a happy meal.

I went to church yesterday (and incidentally "Love at Home" was the closing hymn during sacrament meeting, and this time I held it together. Yay for progress!). As I walked into RS, a lady at the door was saying something like "we need opening and closing". I assumed she meant prayer, but I didn't think she was directing it at me. So, I took a program from her and thanked her. Before I walked away, she repeated herself with a very firm and steady glare on me. Okay, now...the woman was just plain scary. I mean-- she wasn't someone I'd like to meet in a dark alley. AT ALL. She had these huge protruding eyes which were completely focused on ME. I looked around and told her as nicely as I could that I wasn't comfortable giving prayer in public just yet. She certainly didn't like that answer, as she was now almost yelling "WE NEED PEOPLE TO GIVE PRAYERS"! The RS president came alongside her, put her arm around her and asked her to lower her voice. She told her not to worry, and that someone will end up saying prayer, and to please sit down.

So, there's that. THEN, after I almost pee myself from fright, I sit next to a sweet-looking old lady whom I've seen before, and surely she must be sane right? Wrong. 5 minutes into the lesson she starts telling me how her mom beat her over the head when she was 10, and finally when she hit her mother back, the abuse never happened again. Then, she goes on to tell me all about how she was born in Israel, moved to England when she was a few months old, learned to speak "British" (she made it a point to say British, not English), and that Prince Charles is her cousin. The woman is literally telling me her entire life story. Needless to say, I got a little more than I bargained for at church on Sunday. So, between the scary yelling bug-eyed woman, the crazy old Israeli-British speaking loon, and my mother-in-law, I'd say the RS president really has her work cut out for her.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the jam"

2008-06-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

For the past week, this is how Jade begins EVERY bedtime prayer. I had no idea canning a bunch of sugared chopped cherries (with pectin, lemon juice, and lemon peel) would have such a lasting effect on my 3-year-old.
Here are some pics of the process. I had Doug's sister Cammie come help me, and she did a great job. I ended up processing them for a little over 15 minutes, even through the recipe said to do it for only 5. This is because I freaked out when after 5 minutes I noticed the lids weren't vacuum sealed. So, I put them back in the water bath and called my mom....who wasn't HOME!! So, I did a little research online and discovered they don't actually pop down until the cooling process. So, after 15 minutes, I pulled them out and now they are all beautifully sealed. All 9 of them. What in the world am I going to to do with NINE jars? At least they're small. They're cute too!

Mother's Day Shmothers Day

2008-06-14T23:26:00.000-07:00

I finally got around to my mother-in-law's Mother's Day gift. We all took pictures of our kids in specific clothing in "outdoorsy places". I'm inherently lazy, so I stepped outside my front door and did them under a tree in our complex. I posted my three favorite. We are grouping pics of the grandkids together and putting them in a collage-style frame. The thing is....and I do feel *slightly* guilty about admitting this to you all, is that I'm really not motivated to do ANYTHING very special for my mother-in-law. She's sweet, she'll help you when she can, and she really has a good heart. But the woman is the most NEGATIVE person I have ever met in my ENTIRE life. She can turn anything, and I do mean ANYTHING into some sort of negative experience. Last year everyone bought her individual gifts for Mother's Day, and she was disappointed no one cooked her dinner. Oh, plus there's the fact that she pretty much ruins every holiday by getting huffy with someone right before dinner and ends up in her room the rest of the night. She tends to be a no-call no-show at her own grandchildren's birthday parties, and I'm getting into something I have no time to write about, as there is literally an entire smorgasbord of issues with her. Plus, it's just not very nice to talk about your mother-in-law over the Internet. Bad karma and all that. Anyway, I suppose that's my real reason this gift is so late. I just don't really give a crap about pleasing her at this point. The End.

I just ate a big ol' spoonful of my own words.

2008-06-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I do that sometimes. Jared just spent half the day playing over at Nathan's house. He's the kid from baseball who told Jared he wasn't his friend. We met this morning at the donut shop, as it's Friday and it's the usual hangout for the baseball kids.

I purposefully sat at the same table Nate was sitting, and at first Jared tried to sit at a different table all by himself. I knew he'd do that. So, I MADE him sit next to me. I figured once the boys struck up a conversation, they'd be fine. Nate's going into second grade while Jared's going into first. Jared's just slightly bigger than Nathan, so Nathan assumed Jared was going into second as well. When Jared told him he just finished Kindergarten Nate pipes up, "you mean they held you back?". I said "nope, in fact Jared's one of the smartest in his class". This must have really impressed Nate because his eyes got really big and said "you ARE Jared? That's cool." Jared still didn't say much, so I brought up video games. Yes, I was trying to bribe him into being friends with Jared. So what? Anyway, once I brought up the Wii, they were both completely interested in the other...especially once Nathan heard how awesome Jared is at Guitar Hero. The next thing I knew, Nathan was begging his mom to have Jared over. He even wanted to ride in the backseat of our car. (hehe!) The two had a wonderful afternoon together which started out with watergun fights, and ended up dunking buckets of water onto each others heads. Not really my idea of fun, but to a 6 and 7 year old in 95 degree weather, it was the best!

Jared rode home soaked, exhausted, and completely content. It was really great to see.

Two things.

2008-06-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

First, Jared took this pic of me right after I cleaned the bathrooms. I had just sat down, I was tired, sweaty, gross, and really didn't feel like smiling. So I forced my eyes open and made this goofy grin. Jared thinks it's a pretty good pic, so I'll share.

In other completely unrelated news, something got under my skin today. Jared's been in t-ball since February, and although the season is over, the coaches, kids, and parents all became pretty close. We kind of became like extended family--in a way. So, two of the coaches and a handful of kids meet at the park every Wednesday to play ball together. It's kinda like a play-date for baseball. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, Jared tends to keep to himself and I've had a pretty difficult time getting him to come out of his shell. He doesn't make friends easily and still doesn't socialize much with the other boys at practice, but he has fun and tries hard so I'm not making a big deal about it. Well, after practice today the parents grouped together to talk about random crap as usual and the boys played 3-way catch in the field. I could vaguely hear one of the other boys telling Jared that everyone else on the team is his friend, but Jared's definitely NOT. Now, I KNOW this is stupid, and almost completely unwarranted, but I got a little bugged, and I actually wanted to cry. I think it stems from knowing Jared's introverted nature, and one of my biggest fears is him not making friends and ending up being a social recluse. I kept my ears peeled, and couldn't really hear anything else. After practice I asked him about it and he VERY casually said "well I don't really care. It's not a big deal". I know he means it too. I know he doesn't care if people aren't friends with him. He generally doesn't care what anybody thinks period. So....why do I care so much? And, why did this sting so bad? I've had a few hours to get over it. And, I'm over it...I just hope this isn't foreshadowing what'll happen in school a few years down the road.

This man makes me feel good.

2008-06-10T22:55:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I haven't discovered the world of this rastafari genius before today. For some reason it was Bob Marley marathon day, and for the first time I actually listened to his music. Maybe it was all the ganja he smoked, but his words inspired me, the melodic repetitiveness relaxed me, and the percussive rhythm had my body swaying as I was driving down sierra highway. I think I even rolled down the window. I mean... I "got" it. There is so much of his soul in those songs, and all I could think about was how everything would be alright. I could literally feel my muscles relax and my cares melt away, and I imagined myself sitting on a beach in the Caribbean with the sand in my toes and the wind in my hair.

The guy was just cool.

We went cherry pickin'!

2008-06-08T20:38:00.000-07:00

I decided to stop sabotaging my weekend, so we all piled in the car and headed off to the cherry orchards! It ended up being a beautiful day, and now I can't remember what I was so pissy about. Oh, and HOLY COW about all the comments I received on my last post! I feel like one of the popular girls in high school. There's a first time for everything!

We ended up picking just over six pounds. I forsee jam making in my very near future. I'll blog about it for you all to see. Maybe I'll do it "daily bite-style" with cool pics of each step too. Jared just ended K and so this week we'll be bored out of our minds. I think we'll make some jams and pies together. I'll go ahead and call it a project, even though I don't "do" those.

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood now. It's amazing what a little sun and fresh air can do.

I guess that's why the call it the blues.

2008-06-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm surprised that I woke up feeling this way today. Yesterday was a really good day. I had lunch with my friend Ursula at Olive Garden and gorged myself on gnocchi in cheese sauce. Then I came home, sat my happy ass on the couch and read The Goblet of Fire. I ended up falling asleep, and had a nice cat nap. After Doug came home, I headed over to Ursula's house for a chick flick "27 dresses" which was really cute. I came home, went to bed, and woke up this morning in the crappiest mood. I do NOT want to deal with the kids today,and I'm feeling overwhelmingly inadequate about everything. I HATE feeling like this. I kind of think it's stemming from reading other blogs to tell you the truth. I really don't know what it is about me, that I have to compare myself to EVERYONE. I think I just read these blogs and see their beautiful homes, read about their happy little lives, their adoring husbands, and I automatically assume that their lives are perfect. I know they aren't. No one's is.BUT, sometimes I feel like my life is SO FAR from the bliss I read in other blogs. I see wonderful hard-working moms, who know HOW to deal with their children, who are understanding, patient, and know just how to handle situations. Admittedly, I have a huge thorn in my side, and his name is Jared, my 6-year-old. I don't talk about this much, because when I think about it I feel like a failure at the only calling I have in life. I honestly think there is something wrong with him. It's almost like he lacks any emotion but anger. When he gets excited or happy, I can see him physically try to stifle it. I don't know why. He is becoming withdrawn, he will NOT talk to people he doesn't know very well and yes it goes beyond shyness. I give him hugs and tell him I love him every day. He refuses to say it back. All of his life he's been affectionate with me, and within the past few months it's all of a sudden not cool to be close to me anymore. I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I don't know what to do. His dad doesn't give him any affection at all, and I don't want Jared thinking that is okay. What do you do when the other parent has a completely different parenting style? I know I get frustrated with him, and lash out to try and assert my authority, because honestly nothing phases Jared. Then I end up feeling guilty, and crappy, and like a horrible person.

And then there's the cleaning issue. I just CAN'T keep this house clean. I can't seem to keep up with the laundry, and I just feel like a really bad housewife. I know Doug feels the same way.

All the while I've been really wanting and seriously considering Nursing School in a few years. But, the more I think about it, the more I question it. Am I really smart enough to handle all that school? Do I have it in me to become a nurse, and take someones life into my hands? Do I really have what it takes? I don't know!!

Ugh. Everything sucks today. Even my coffee didn't taste the same. This post turned into something way too long, and I exposed way too much. I should stop here. At least one thing is true, this day can only get better.

You know what makes me throw up a little in my mouth?

2008-06-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Typing autopsy reports. I need a post-it note on my freaking monitor that says "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT AT THIS DESK WHILE READING AND/OR TYPING REPORTS. EVER"

As a few of you know, I'm studying to be a medical transcriptionist so I can eventually work from home. So, right now I'm kind of in "rotation" so-to-speak of different specialty fields. This of course includes pathology reports, which includes autopsy. It's really not so bad typing up surgical reports. I can handle open heart surgeries, cracking ribcages, chiseling away nasal bones, or sawing off limbs. All of that I can handle. But, cutting open a dead guy, dissecting parts of his brain, (as well as ALL other organs) and then describing the "dead" look of his pale sclerae (that's eyeballs).....kinda creeps me out. I also get to type out the exact cause and circumstanses of death. So I'm literally typing about this guy taking his last breath. It's just a huge death scene I imagine like a movie that I type day after day, except these are REAL people, and REAL reports. Ick. Radiology is next. Thank God.

Oh, and completely off topic here...thanks for the comments and well wishes on my previous post ladies. I do appreciate it.

$@@%$#$!!

2008-06-03T15:35:00.000-07:00

Mkay. I know I already blogged today, but can I please just vent a little? Please? Kay thanks.

Soooo, have I told you all how much I hate stupid people? HATE them. I'm not talking about stupid as in the sense of "I didn't finish High School", or "I have an IQ of 3", I'm talking more about selfish, STUPID, not thinking-about-anyone-but-my-stupid-ugly-self people. Why is it I have a run-in with them at least.....ooohhh once a month?? Here's what really gets me: THEY ARE ALLOWED TO DRIVE. Yep, stupid people behind a potentially deadly weapon. That's great. And, they're driving all over my town. They're everywhere and I can't escape them. One already ruined my car and is claiming injury. Another almost collided with me today, and the only reason he didn't is because I inched out like a scared little turtle before I slammed on my brakes as he came barreling down a residential street right after SCHOOL LET OUT!! Idiot. And then, THEN he has the nerve to stare me down, call me a really mean name, and flip me off. And, let me just tell you....this happens all. the. time. And it's not like I'm a bad driver. Really, I'm not. I'm just surrounded by the most selfish, arrogant, friggin retarded mindless twits you can imagine.

Vent over.

when we were young.

2008-06-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about things last night. Time rewound as I lay in bed and reminisced about our fun dating days. We used to do everything together. We laughed every day. We said "I love you", we used to look deep into each others' eyes. We talked for hours on the phone about nothing at all. He was so...open. He had a way of making me feel like a million bucks, and like I was the only thing that mattered.

How did it all turn out like this?

playstations and vomit.

2008-05-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

In that order.

A few days ago Doug decided to bring home a playstation 3. Nevermind the fact that we bought a Wii in January, because I didn't WANT a playstation 3. His reasoning is to be able to play bue-ray disks on the PS3 (because aparently you can do that. Who knew?) So why didn't he just buy a blue-ray player? Because blue-ray can't play guitar hero or rock band, that's why. I forsee a pair of seven jeans and a sexy hot pair of boots in my future. Yes I do.

In other news, Jared barfed all over the car this weekend. On our way to see my grandparents, Jared said he wasn't feeling well, but I just chalked it up to a tummy ache, since he said he wasn't nauseaus. 5 minutes away from the house, I hear this coughing sound, and I look back to see water mixed with pieces of grapes flying out of his mouth all over the seats. And Jade's shoes, which totally grosses her out. My first instinct is to yell. So I did. But the more I yelled, the more he threw up. I felt sorry for him, I really did. I pulled over in an El Pollo Loco, and we went straight to the bathroom, where Jade proceeded to tell EVERYONE that Jared just threw up. People looked at us like we had the plague. I got him cleaned up, wiped the seats down as much as I could with bathroom papertowels, rolled the windows down, and drove the rest of the way to my grandparents. It took me about an hour to get it cleaned up. I did a pretty good job too, you can't even smell it. I rock.

overcoming

2008-05-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon we went to lunch with a couple of friends of ours. Actually, she cuts Doug's hair, and she's been doing it since he was a teenager. She's the only one he lets call him "Dougie". (It's really cute actually, since she has a pretty thick German accent)So before we ordered our lunches, the server took drink orders. You should have seen the looks I got when I ordered Pepsi instead of a margarita. It's like everything in the room stopped, and I think Doug actually choked on his chips and salsa. He looks around the table and says in complete shock "That's the first time Carrie hasn't ordered a margarita at a mexican restaruant." So then, of course the questions start flowing, and they want to know WHY IN THE WORLD would I order a pepsi instead of a nice cool, salty margarita? I honestly didn't know what to say. I totally copped out and said it was too early to be drinking. But, that didn't really fly, because anyone who knows me knows I'll find any excuse to drink, regardless of the hour. Luckily though they dropped the subject, or maybe I changed the subject. I know it'll happen again, it's just a matter of time....until the next time we eat out and I order a pepsi instead of whatever drink I normally get at whatever restaruant we happen to be at. If I tell Doug now that I've stopped drinking (which should be self-evident because of the lack of abundant empty wine bottles) he'll just laugh in my face. So....maybe I'll just let it be, and he'll eventually realize I kicked the habit. It's been almost 2 months now, and honestly I'm not missing it as much as I thought I would. I mean, don't get me wrong, I DO think about it every once and a while at the end of a long day, and remember how nice it used to be to sit and sip at a lucious heavenly Merlot and let all my cares melt away. But I also know it's not worth it. As great as it was to feel nothing while drinking, it's not worth the guilt I used to feel the next morning. I can do this. I can.

A woman after my own heart

2008-05-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Ellen a few months ago, and have been wanting to post it. I finally got around to it. This has got to be the best first dance at a wedding ever.

May 14th

2008-05-14T09:47:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't believe this is the year to turn 30. I remember when we were 19 and sneaking out to drink Strawberry Hill in the boonies. I remember field shows, Java Books, La Jolla, red Ford Escorts with Snoop Dogg rattling the windows. I remember Tijuana, convincing B we could read each others' minds, a gimp leading the blind, a Las Vegas wedding, and a whole slew of family drama. We have come a long way. We now have 5 babies between us. We have grown, matured, gotten closer, drifted apart at times, and have become like sisters. You are the most amazing friend I could ask for. I love you. Happy 30th!

Grandmas are the best!

2008-05-11T23:02:00.001-07:00

So, for Mother's Day, I drove down to visit my grandparents for the weekend. I thought that would be nice, since I haven't seen them since Christmas. Well, grandma ended up cooking a full pancake and egg breakfast, and taking me and Jade shopping. Jared stayed with grandpa and learned how to beat my sorry butt in checkers. $150.00 and two hours later, we came home for lunch....which she cooked of course. Okay, really I'm not an ungrateful lazy granddaughter. I know it sounds that way, but I'm not. (even though she's pushing 80 and still cleaning up after our messes)She insists on cooking for us, buying us (me) clothes, and making our beds the second we roll out of them. So...since I love her so much, I let her do those things for me, because I know it means the world to her to "take care of us". So, happy Mother's Day grandma, and thanks for the shopping spree!

At least I got her flowers. And a card. So there.

This is one of the tops I picked out. It looks rad with my funky new glasses. Yeah, I said rad.

Jenn tagged me, so here ya go.

2008-05-07T11:01:00.000-07:00

Rules:
A. Post the rules
B. Answer all the questions about yourself
C. After you are done posting, tag 5 people

1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
At the beginning of 1998 I was in a car accident, and broke my elbow, had to have surgery, and I also broke my ankle. I still have a seatbelt scar across my chest. A friend was driving, she fell asleep and we crashed into a palm tree. AT the end of '98', I was a percussionist in RCC marching band, touring all of SoCal, and then did an exhibition performance at the Georgia dome in Atlanta. It was one of the neatest experiences of my life.
If you have 10 minutes, watch the vid. It's our rehearsal in the Georgia Dome. We are a little off because we weren't used to the echo in there. It gets a lot better toward the end. About 5 minutes into it, you can really hear us in the drum solo. Sorry about the singing. Who's ever heard of singers in a field show anyway? Also, if you're familiar with the music of Les Miserables, this'll sound familiar to you. Enjoy! It sure brings back memories. Make sure you turn off my playlist first.

2. Five things on your to do list today.
* laundry
* clean bathrooms
* type more orthopedic reports (this unit seems to be never-ending)
* make dinner
* play/spend time with kids

3. 5 snacks you enjoy.
*salted peanuts
*chocolate chip cookies
*pringles
*pickles
*hard-boiled eggs

4. What would you do if you suddenly became a millionaire?
* pay off debt
* buy house
*travel to Europe
*shop, shop, shop!!

5. 3 bad habits:
*Nail biting
*putting things off until the very last minute
*drinking coffee

6. 5 places I've lived:
Moreno Valley, CA
San Jose, CA
Concord, CA
Lancaster, CA (guess I've only lived 4 places)

7. 5 jobs I've had:
* Mervyn's sales clerk
* receptionist for property management co.
* office assistant for record-keeping co.
*sales associate for Ritz Camera
*store manager for Ritz Camera

8. 5 things people don't know about me:
*I talk to myself on a regular basis, like in my head....and sometimes out loud.
* I went halfway through Army bootcamp and then dropped out (yes you can do that, you just have to have a medical reason. Mine was scoliosis)
* I can't kill bugs.
* I used to smoke.
*I have never plucked my eyebrows. I just can't. I have a mental block against it for some reason.

I tag Kelly, Lacey, Daphne, Mush, and Stacey!

big girls don't cry.

2008-05-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. The kids and I went to church, and they were actually pretty good during sacrament. No one farted, which ALWAYS happens at least once. They even got along, and except the few times Jade crawled under the pew to touch everyone's toes, they remained in their seats as I told them to.

So, fast forward to Relief Society (the women's class). The lesson was on mothers, and the importance of raising children, and how wonderful a calling it is....blah blah blah. (It was actually a very good lesson, and I'm only typing in the blahs because I don't want to explain the entire thing. Kay?) Then comes the closing song, "Love at Home". No big deal, right? WRONG. The opening line is "There is beauty all around, when there's love at home". The floodgates were not only opened, they were karate chopped down. I was sitting in the front row, and blubbering like a baby. OUT OF NOWHERE. Something must have really struck a chord with me, because I could not stop. I could not, for the life of me regain composure. I mean....I was hiccuping, sniffling up snot, borderline hyperventilating, and shaking. I was literally SOBBING. I was sooooo close to walking out, but on the rare chance that the backrow couldn't hear me above the piano and screeching vibratos, I decided to stay and take it like a man, because walking out hysterical would probably have drawn slightly more attention than sitting there hysterical. Right? Well that's what I thought too. So, I stayed, and tried threatening myself into behaving, and stopping this ridiculous tangent right this minute, "or ELSE!!".
Luckily I only had to sit through one verse of that torture, as the meeting was running a little over. Needless to say, I am so, so, soooooo embarrassed. My sister-in-law, bless her heart was sitting right next to me, and didn't say a thing. I'm an ugly crier, so I just tried looking straight ahead, hoping and praying no one would try to put their arm around me, or ask if I was okay. Thankfully, no one cared. Or, at least maybe I was just so hysterical they didn't want to associate with the "crazy woman". The RS president did give me a hug after the meeting was over and told me she was glad to see me. Well, that was nice. But, I don't think I can ever show my face there again. I'm. so. embarrassed.

a day at the farm

2008-05-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

Jared's Kindergarten class took a field trip today to the Dairy Farm. Aside from the smell and the flies, I think he really had a good time. A couple of the bulls were trying to mate with each other, and I'm kicking myself for not getting of picture of it! Jared and his friends throught they were wrestling. I think the bulls have been in the pen together for a little too long, personally.

Oh, and let me just say that I have complete, and utter (get it? udder!!) respect for the females. You think it's uncomfortable for your boobs to be full of milk, engorged and ready to burst?? HO-LY COW. These girls are huuuuuggggge. The milk bladders (or whatever they're called) on some of these female cows had to be the size of my upper torso. No picture of that either. You'll just have to use your imagination

what do you think?

2008-05-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

They came in yesterday! Yaaayyy!! Okay, so they're a little bold, a little dark, and these pics are not very good of me. But, you can see how the glasses look on my face. I think I like them. I'm not in love with them or anything, but they're starting to grow on me. Or, maybe it's just my face I don't like.

so long! Farewell!

2008-04-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

to my dearest, closest companion through years of rough nights and long never-ending days. You eased my pain when I fell to the depths of despair, and helped me cope with seemingly helpless situations. You were there for me every night, like a faithful friend to help me drown in my sorrows.

But, I'm onto better things. I realize I can live without you. I HAVE to live without you. I'm healing, and my future is bright. My soul is slowly filling with good things, with good thoughts and actions, with the word of God. I can make it without you.

ods and ends

2008-04-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

Jared hit his first homerun EVER yesterday! I was jumping up and down and screaming at the top of my lungs like a wild woman. All the moms totally understood my eratic behavior. Plus, I played guitar hero with my sister-in-law and nephew later in the day, and she gave me an entire chocolaty-ooey-gooey deliciously fattening fudge cake. She's evil, but chocolate makes me happy. Chocolate and homeruns! Weeeeee!

*I did edit this post. If it reads slightly different than it did yesterday, it's because I like this version better*

6 going on 16

2008-04-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake up and deal with this:

me: Jared, it's time to get dressed. Do you have something picked out this morning?

him: nooooooo, I don't want to get dressed.

me: okay, play for 10 minutes. I'll set the timer, and then you need to get dressed, okay?

him: fine.

*10 minutes later*

me: okay buddy the timer beeped. You need to get dressed now.

him: uuuugggghhhhhh. o-KAY!

*five minutes later*

me: Jared why are you wearing dirty clothes? I know those came from the hamper, and you already wore that TWICE this week. See the grass stains?

him: noooooo, just let me pleeeeeeeeeease!!! You NEVER let me wear what I want to wear.

me: no. absolutely not. We are not having this discussion again. Pick something CLEAN out of your closet.

*two minutes later*

me: Um, Jared, why are you wearing THOSE pants? I put those in the giveaway bag for a reason. They are up to your ankles, and they are waaaaaay to tight around your crotch.

him: but mom! No. Just let me wear these. I'm so SICK of this!!!!! I DON'T want to wear my jeans in my drawer. What's wrong with these pants? They fit fine.

me: no they don't. They are way too tight, and they are going up your butt in the back.

*stomp stomp thump stomp huff*

him: MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM, I HATE it when you do this, you NEVER let me wear what I want to wear. You're not being fair. It's always your FAULT!

*two minutes later*

him: there mom. I'm wearing this. Now STOP being mean to me.

me: so you're going to wear sweatpants to school? *sigh* fine.

I realize all of this could be avoided if I just had him pick out his clothes the night before. I don't know why I put myself through this.

funky/conservative

2008-04-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

I ordered these glasses yesterday. The thing is, they are TOTALLY out there for me. I wanted something a little more "fun" than the regular wire frames I've been wearing all my life. But now I'm afraid I may have overdone it. They looked cute on me in the store, but now seeing the picture, I'm freaking out just a little. I mean, they're SQUARE, and BLACK. I'm not sure if they'll be quite "me". Doug says they look stupid, but he says that about most things I like anyway. So what do you all think? Will it be okay? Can I pull off this new look? Am I freaking out over nothing? I figure it this way: IF the glasses look TOTALLY bizzare on me, I'll just get a funky new hairdo to match the glasses!

preschool field trip.

2008-04-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Jade's preschool teacher's friend owns an acre out in the Palmdale hills. Her backyard is fantastic, complete with a beautifully landscaped patio, and a HORSE in the back! So the kids took turns riding Thunder. I took Jared too, since he has afternoon K, and we went riding in the morning. They also had a couple of very loud cocks.

As in roosters.

Pet Peeve of the Day

2008-04-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

You know what bugs me? People who send me e-mails or in this case, bulletins on my myspace telling me I'm a bad Christian if I don't forward whatever stupid "angels on my shoulder" story some teenaged kid made up to circulate the internet. I don't mind reading touching stories with a good message to go along with it. I just can't stand the ones that say something like "forward this if you are a true follower of Christ. If you deny Him, you'll be dammed forever". It really bugs me that my "friends" are sending me junk like this. I mean, are you kidding me? This is what I call "scare-tactics christianity". I mean, come ON people, use your freaking BRAINS. Do you really think Christ cares if you forward a stupid e-mail or not? Oh, and here's the clincher. This girl who sent it to me.....her tagline is "When I think about you I touch myself". You know the kind of myspace pics some girls take of themselves kissing the air with their big ol' boobies hanging out? Yeah, she's that girl. But it's okay right? She forwarded the e-mail, so she's saved.

This Kid Rocks

2008-04-13T10:30:00.000-07:00

Not just metaphorically. I mean he totally ROCKS! Okay so maybe I'm not the best mom for letting him play video games, but hey....it's improving his hand-eye coordination right? Right? Just agree with me.

THEY WON!! THEY WON, THEY WON, THEY WON!!!!!

2008-04-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Jared's t-ball has never, I repeat NEVER won a game. They've played 8 games so far, and yesterday we beat the pants off of the Dodgers! WOOT!!! It's about dang time, let me tell ya. We're seriously the Bad News Bears of the t-ball league. But, maybe our loosing streak is over. Ooooh, I HOPE it's over. Now all we need to do is get Jared to actually RUN those bases instead of taking a leisurely jog. But, it's allllll good. Because we WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Change

2008-04-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

Something is making sense now. It's just clicking like it never has before. The restoration, the atonement, the Plan of Salvation makes sense. I can feel it in my soul. I do not understand everything about the gospel, and I have many questions still to ask. But, I DO know, that as President Monson bore his testimony in Conference yesterday, I felt as though he were speaking directly to me, through divine inspiration as he looked through my tv screen into my unseen eyes as he said "Come back." Those words touched me, and I felt his love and concern for my well-being. I cannot even adequately express to you how fully I sustain him as a prophet and head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Now comes the hard part--ACTING on those feelings, and actually DOING what I now feel to be right. How do I stop drinking my coffee every morning? How do I give up my favorite wine at night? How will I find the strength to stand for what I believe in? That will be the challenge for sure. Hopefully I have it in me to make correct choices and be an example to my children and to my husband. Maybe the strength won't come from me though. Maybe it'll come from the Lord. I pray I find that strength so I can become the person I know I should have been.

The Graduate

2007-06-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

Jared has "graduated" from preschool today!!! Don't you think that's the cutest thing ever? Who's ever heard of a preschool graduation? They even had Oreos and everything. His teacher put on a little presentation of all they've learned over the year. The kids sang about a bazillion songs for us parents. Well, SOME of them sang. Some of them just picked their nose. They sang about the days of the week, the months of the year, and something about quaking ducks. (Jared's favorite, since he totally got to wear a construction papered-stapled-together duck hat. Dude, it was COOL, I'm telling you!) After the songs, the graduates snuck away and walked proudly out single-file donning their cardboard grad caps. Okay, let me just tell you, that was the CUTEST thing EVER!! I'm a little embarrassed to say I got a little misty eyed watching my tall 5 year old baby searching my eyes for approval as he walked out to stand in front of us. I was so proud of him in that moment. I smiled to him and I hope I conveyed in that smile how much I love him, and how proud I was of him. Not just for knowing his abc's or how to count, but for how he is becoming a truly strong, independent, loving, brave little person. He really is the bravest 5-year-old I know. He is so much like his father. Cautious, shy, protective, un-afraid, independent, self-assured. He is going to grow into a wonderful man and father. What more could a mother ask for?

Imaginary friend?

2007-06-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

Every morning Jade gets her "mommy fix" by comming into my bed after she wakes up to snuggle my hair. Not me. Just my hair. This is an everyday thing. This morning though, as she's inhaling my greasy two-day old unwashed hair, she tells me of her new "friend" Sarah. Aparently, she met Sarah last night in her room, and they were playing together. She even let Sarah sit in her princess chair. (that's a big deal) I asked what Sarah looked like, but she couldn't give me a description. She just said that she's a big girl with a "really bad headache on her cheek". Mmhmmmm. Weird. Jade wants to play with her today too, or..rather, tonight....because that's when Sarah comes to play. I'm guessing she's been dreaming this, hence the "playing at night thing". Jade also said Sarah is sick, but nice, and keeps telling me now she's her new best friend. Okay, here comes the weird, and maybe a little freaky part. I ask her one more time to try to give me a little more of a detailed description of what she looks like. I say "so can you try really hard to remember what Sarah looks like?" Jade points BEHIND me, giggles, and puts her finger over her lips and says "ssshhhhhhh", and laughs hysterically at the wall. I ask "what's so funny?", and again, she laughs, looks BEHIND me at the wall, points to...nothing, and says "sssshhhhh".

Yeeeeaaaahhhhh. I look behind my shoulder, see nothing there, and pick her up, and leave the room. Creepy much??? Oh, and 10 minutes later, Jade's Barney computer which is across the room, and UNTOUCHED decides to start singing. I just looked at it and thought, "That's great. Just great".

A picture, and a funny story

2007-04-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

Sooo, guess who was walking around Hollywood Blvd friday night with the bottom of her skirt TUCKED INTO HER UNDERWARE???? Yep. Me.

My best friend Christa is in town this week visiting from very far away West Virginia, and her mom bought us (Christa, her sister, me and herself) tickets to go see "Wicked, the Musical", because she's very cool, she has a great ass, and I'm aparently her third daughter. We decided to all meet at the Pantages Theater, which is literally right in the heart of old town Hollywood. I got there an hour or so before they did, as they were stuck in LA traffic. So, of course I go next door to the bar and do what I do best....order a drink. I'm sitting there sipping my rum and coke, looking at myself in the mirrored backsplash of the bar between two old salty smelly guys watching the ball game. Okay, so it's not entirely my scene, but it's a way to kill some time, and relax for a bit. So, I'm drinking away, admiring my curled hair and well-applied make-up in the mirror, thinking of course that I'm the hottest thing in the bar, and how proud I am that I can clean up this nicely. Right? Right.

My drink is gone, I take a trip to the restroom, leave a tip, and walk out of the bar, and onto Hollywood Blvd, and stand right in front of the Theater. So, I'm standing there, nicely buzzed, getting excited about the show, watching busloads of people arrive right behind me at the loading/unloading painted curb. I'm standing there, watching dozens of people walk next to me, around me, and behind me, and then a lady walks up to me. She leans in really close and whispers in my ear "the bottom of your skirt is tucked into your underware."

I wanted to die. Right there. I wanted to DIE. I look directly behind me, and some old man is sitting in a cafe-type chair grinning at me. Great. I'm sure my face turned 25 shades of red at that point. I pulled my skirt out as quick as I could, and then tried to walk away, but I couldn't move. I was literally frozen. I think I stood there for a good 15 minutes before I got the courage to walk away. FAR AWAY. I think my only saving grace was the rum and coke I had a few minutes earlier. That really helped numb the embarrassment, even though I was still mortified. But, it helped a little.

The play however, was great. The music was fantastic, and Eden Espinosa played Elphaba, and did such a great job. Her passion gave me goosebumps. I think she might have the most amazing voice I've ever heard. I'd love to go see it again. Maybe one day. Oh, and Christa's coming to stay with us for two days this week!!! I can't wait!

Teeth

2007-02-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

It's happened. My almost 5 year old has lost his first tooth. Two days before it fell out I noticed it looked a little funny, so I wiggled it, and saw that it was loose. I thought I had weeks before that thing came out. When I was a kid it seemed like my loose teeth took FOREVER to fall out. Not for my kid. Like I said, two days after I noticed it was loose, Jared gets down from the table where he was eating his muffin, washes his hands, plops himself on the kitchen floor to talk to me while I do the dishes, and as he's talking to me, I notice a hole in his bottom row of teeth. So on closer inspection I notice that, yes, his tooth has indeed come out. The question is when and how! So, of course I ask him, since he hasn't volunteered that information. He very casually tells me that as he bit into his muffin, it came out, and he put it on the table. WHAT?? Why is this not a big deal to him?? Doesn't he know about the tooth fairy? I mean, seriously...THE TOOTH FAIRY!! What kid wouldn't get excited about that? Well, apparently mine. (By the way the going rate for a tooth nowadays is a whole stinking dollar!)

So, I go look on the table, and there it is on the place mat, just lying there, no big deal...just his first missing tooth EVER!! I tried to get him all excited about it, but he just rolled his eyes and gave me that look I used to give my parents when I wanted them to shut the hell up. So, I did, and he ran off to put on his ninja costume to stalk his sister. *Sigh* boys.

BLEH! PUKE! BARF! GAG!

2007-01-27T15:23:00.000-08:00

I just experienced one of the most uncomfortable feelings in my life. I just finished reading a SEX SCENE from the novel my grandfather wrote! EEEEEEWWWWWWWW! And, let me tell you, it was explicit people!! I had to read things like "...revealing his own well muscled body and the erect phallus of his masculinity." And then, and THEN, as if that wasn't bad enough, he goes on to describe how in detail, they reach orgasm. ORGASM! And there was moaning. He used words like "delicate pulsations", and "eruptive explosion", "thrusting", and.. well...just...EWWWW! I mean, it's pornographic! Grandpa why? Why did you have to do that to me? I mean SERIOUSLY. Wasn't there a better way to write a love scene? Like, oh, I don't know...SKIPPING IT ALL TOGETHER? Okay, I hope and pray to GOD that was the last time I'll ever have to read words like that from my dear, sweet grandpa's novel. I have never even heard this man utter a bad word in his life, and he is the sweetest, gentlest person I have ever met. I would much rather pretend my mother came from immaculate conception, rather then his "stirring loins." (not that the book was about him, but just the fact that he wrote those words was just WRONG) Grandfathers don't have loins. They just don't. They have big comfy chairs, and magic tricks, and lots and lots of great Wisconsin cheese.
Now, excuse me while I go throw up.

Winter's last hurrah

2006-03-19T15:13:00.000-08:00

These photos were taken last week right outside our apartment. It was so fun to have an actual "winter" for a day or two. We made snowballs, caught big snowflakes on our tongues, and bundled in our warmest winter gear. It was so exciting to see a winter wonderland here in the desert. Afterwards we warmed ourselved by sipping hot chocolate. Yum!

can't spell check. Forgive my spelling.

2006-03-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm a mother, and nearing the age of 30, it's only natural I have a different perspective on life, and myself. I can honestly say that only just recently have I begun to truely know who I am, and what kind of person I've become. I never really knew myself before. I think I just did what everyone else did, and thought the way everyone else thought, and never really thought about what kind of things I like, or what personality type I was. I think for the most part people tend to find themselves earlier in life than this, but maybe I'm a slow learner. I've come to find out I'm a very shy person, and definatly a people pleaser. Maybe that's why it's taken me so long to figure out what I want in life, because I always wanted what others had, or wanted for me. I couldn't figure out why I didn't do well in school, or never had any desire to go to college and start a career. My friends went, I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I'm a very self-consious person, and I'm always wondering what people are actually thinking of me. Even when it comes to this blog, alot of times I don't write anything at all for fear of people judging my literary skills. I've come to find I'm very co-dependant, and need the approval of others all the time. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, and have often felt akward at social gatherings because I felt I didnt fit in. I guess that would explain my promiscuity during my short-lived college years. I didn't mean to be that way, but for the first time in my life, I felt pretty, and that boys actaully liked me. I felt like I fit in, and like I was actaully cool, if I acted and looked a certain way. Had I been more secure with myself I know I would have chosen a different path. Oh, if only I could have felt it was okay to be alone to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could have been so comfortable with myself I didn't need the approval of a man, to tell me I was worth something. I wish I could kick myself for ever being so clingy, and dependant on others. I know this is part of my personality, and I still deal with it today, but at least I know now. At least I know and understand my behavior. Being married to the type of husband I have completly clashes with my personality type. He hates the weak pathetic antics of a co-dependant person. He has little to no compassion, and for someone who desires compassion, and reassurace constantly, it makes for a very difficult marriage at times. At least I understand these things about us. It does make it easier to deal with. Being married, I have leaned so much about myself, and about other people too. Maybe I've finally grown up into a real life adult. Imagine that.

2006-03-10T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am worth $1,445,018 on HumanForSale.com

The party was a success

2006-03-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

2006-03-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

That's the Power Rangers cake. I don't think I'll ever get the red dye off my hands. We did have a great afternoon though. We let the kids run wild.

2006-03-05T08:50:00.000-08:00

my 4-year-old striking a pose amongst the loot.

2006-03-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

Jade with her Aunt Cammie

2006-03-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

and finally, a self portrait before the event.

after the storm.

2006-03-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

Things are good. It's a lazy Saturday morning after a big storm, and the sun is shining. The air is crisp and clear, and it has a very distinct smell of the desert after a rain. It's earthy, and pungent, and wild, like sagebrush. I'm drinking a fresh cup of coffee and I haven't tasted one that good in a while. Jade is still asleep, and Jared is building ships out of leggos. The dishes are done, and the kitchen is clean. The presents are wrapped for Jared's party today, and I am enjoying a little bit of peace and quiet to myself. Today will be a big day, but it will be fun. I have to pick up the Power Ranger cake at 3:00, and then the balloons, and head over to the pizza place to reserve tables for the family. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Life feels good. I'm happy today.

Just an update

2006-02-25T23:46:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better now. Two glasses of wine helps. The next post will be much less depressing.

2005-11-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

Helping to clean the bowl. Yum.

Today she's 1

2005-11-14T19:35:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my Jadie Baby. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I first laid eyes on her. I don't care what anyone says, yes, I still remember the agonizing pain the 8lb, 12 oz offspring of mine bestowed on me and my poor insides. She was defiantly worth it though, just look at that face. She now walks, and runs, dances (preferably to Vanilla Ice, but whatever), says mom-mom, da-da, and ca-ca (that's cracker). She's the sweetest little girl, and I can't put into words how much I love her, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.

a new post, and it's a bit depressing.

2005-11-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Nothing is inspiring me right now.I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I'd rather not write anything at all if I have nothing nice to say. And frankly, I don't. But, if you all must know, I've been rather depressed lately. I feel like a ghost in my own home most of the time, hoping to get the slightest attention from the one person who vowed to love me forever, through good times and bad. It's not that he's being mean, it's that I simply don't matter anymore. I'm just one more mouth to feed, and one more annoyance in his life. He doesn't love me anymore, and I can see how little he cares for me when he looks right through me. There's no physical contact, and I think the thought of it disgusts him. We are courteous to each other, and every now and then he'll joke a little with me, and so for an instant I feel like things are back to normal, and I almost forget not to touch his hand or put my arm around him in a flirtatious manner. That's when it hurts the most, because I remember that things are in fact NOT normal, and I retract my hand with a lump in my throat. I fake my happiness for my kids, so they don't see how heartbroken and utterly depressed I am. I fake it in front of him, so he doesn't really know how empty and lonely I am. I'll just push him away even further with my display of "weakness". Going to the gym 5 days a week helps, because just for that hour or so, I can be in my own world working on me. I'm in the best shape of my life, and he won't even look at me. I could literally walk naked around the house and he wouldn't even look up from the damn tv. Im taking one day at a time, and some days are fine, and some aren't. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and break everything in the house, but I can't. Those are the bad days. I sleep next to him every night, but I sleep alone, and I'm empty.

2005-11-01T15:18:00.000-08:00

Here we are at my in-law's house after a fun filled night of trick-or-treating. Unfortunatly, I couldn't get a good one of the kids, I think they'd had enough Halloween at that point. Jared's the green Power Ranger, and Jade's Minnie Mouse, if you couldn't tell. We had a nice night.

2005-11-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

my sis in law Mandi and I. I am wearing a tail, but I guess I wasn't turned enough.