loveseat and spongebob. That's Jared's chair for cartoon watching. 

view of our fish tank and dining area 

Behold! Fear the wrath of thy mother, lest I smite thee!

Yesterday I finally got the car back after two weeks of Doug driving it to work and back. They gave him a work van (brand new) along with some nifty tools, a laptop, and a cell phone. Thank god the car is back.

I decided to venture out of my cave and go to the bank yesterday, along with my offspring. We had a play date set up with Doug's sister, Kelly for later that afternoon. I know how Jared can act up, especially in the bank, or anywhere we stand in line where there's nothing for him to do. Soooo, I made it crystal clear to him that if he acts up in the bank, he doesn't get to go play later on.

I'm already in a pissy mood because it's windy, and after I entered the bank the first time, I realized I forgot the checks in the glove box, so I had to drag both kids out to the parking lot, grab the checks, and go back inside, only to wait in a disappointingly long ass line. As I fill out the deposit form, Jared of course decides he wants to play on the chairs. Not just sit in them and look at all the strange desert folk, no... he decides it's much more fun to climb on the back of the chair and flop down. Then he decides the chair next to it looks a little more fun, so he jumps from the chair he's in to the chair right next to it. The whole time he's doing this, the bank is filling up quickly and he shoots "spiderman webs" at every new customer who enters the bank. And he does this LOUDLY. After I tell him at least three times that he better get his butt over here now, or we aren't going to Greg and Kelly's, he moseys on over to me.

I breathed a little sigh of relief. Then, he decides to plop his butt down on the dirty ass floor and rock Jade's carrier back and forth VERY forcefully. (Jade's making a loud cat-like noise during the entire time, by the way) I very nicely asked him to stop, to which he replied a quick "no". So, a little sterner, I say "Jared, if you want to go Greg and Kelly's today you have to be a good boy. That means you need to listen to me, and don't tell me no". Jared billowed "I SAID NO!" Okay, that's it kid. All eyes are on me of course. I have a baby who sounds like a cat in heat, and a very defiant 3-year-old who is making me look like a fool this very minute. I grabbed him by his arm, knelt down to his level, and let him know he better stop this crap right now or I am taking all his toys away for the afternoon. So he decided to stand up and pout. Fine. I can deal with pouting. Pout all you want, just please stay quiet.

Finally it was my turn at the teller. Jared decided the brochure on the wall next to the teller's window looked like fun to read, so he pulled it out and showed me. Okay, no problem. Then, he pulls out more.... and more..... and more....and throws them on the freaking floor. I felt my face turn red. I turned to him and through clenched teeth told him to pick them up RIGHT NOW. And, he did. Thank god. He decided to keep one brochure for himself though and put it on top of Jade's head. Aparenently, she looked really funny. She didn't like it too much though, considering it was pretty much covering her eyes. I told him to knock it off, and if he didn't it again, we weren't going anywhere that afternoon. Not even 5 seconds later, he did it again. That's enough, I've had it. "okay Jared you just lost your play privilege today. We not going anywhere You haven't been doing what your told, so you don't get to play with Justin and Breanna".

Ladies and Gentleman, hold onto your hats and glasses, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

He starts hopping up and down, and screaming, and hpyerventalating. I could feel the stares I was getting by everyone in the entire damn bank. I could hear them condem me as a mother in their thoughs too.
Holy shit. Get me outta here. Now.
The teller is almost done, and I calmly tell Jared to stop throwing a fit, and we will leave soon. He shouts "I'm gonna crack you and shoot you mommy". Nice. That's nice. My son's going to shoot me. Great. Now, not only do I have a screaming, crying, defiant holy terror, I have a screaming, crying, defiant, VIOLENT holy terror. What must those people be thinking of me? Probably that I let my child watch rated R movies all day like "Rambo" or "The Terminator", and what a bad mother I must be.

The teller finishes up with me, and I grab him by the hand, and we get the hell outta dodge. Fast. Actually, he calmed right down as soon as the teller finished. I was fuming. FUMING I tell you. I couldn't talk, I just drove. When we got home, he was asleep, and he looked so peaceful. He did actually apologize to me later that day, much to my surprise. It worked out well in the end because Kelly's kids were sick anyway, and Doug didn't want Jared to get sick all over again.

What a day. What a nightmare. Do I really want any more kids? I'm going to have to think about that one.

a freaky story I wanted to share

I've decided to post this story because it was something that happened to me in my youth. I realize some of you out there may have a certain opinion on this, and that's fine. But here is my story as I can recall.

Right out of high school whas when I broke free of my parents and my religeon. I got a car, a 1993 Ford Escort to take me anywhere my heart desired. For the first time in my life I had a taste of freedom and I loved it. In fact, I went a little wild. In my heart of hearts I knew certain things I was doing was wrong. It just wasn't really who I was at the core. I just liked the attention I got when I acted a certain way, and did certain things. I was trying new things that were labled "evil" growing up. I drank, I smoked, I smoked pot, I lied, I stole money from my parents, I dated too many boys, and I had a great time. Living like that was great. I felt so free of the religeous shackels that held me all my life. I broke all the rules, rebelled in every sense of the word. I rebelled against my parents, I rebelled against the church. I was an all around sinner folks, and I was out of my parents control. I was every mormon father's nightmare. If you compare me to the avarage teenager, I was probably just the same.

At the peak of this rebellion is when it happened. I woke up one morning to find myself paralyzed. I could only blink and breathe. I couldn't move my limbs or move my mouth. I lay there completly helpless. My eyes were open and I was looking into my closet. The radio was on and I could hear the dj talking about the weather. I could hear our sheltie Danny Boy barking at the people as they walked along the sidewalk on the other side of the fence. I was completly concious and awake. And fozen. There was a darkness around and inside me, only I couldn't physically see it. I felt it, and I could hear it. It came in waves, each one stonger then the next. The only way to describe how it sounded is to turn up your speakers as loud as they go without any music. The sound of an electric hum, or charge, maybe like from a guitar amp. The sound filled my ears and my head. I could visualize a light inside my head and each time the wave came the light dimmed. I thought of a lighthouse and fog rolling in to smother the light. I think I was the light. Each time the darkness came the light became weaker and I could feel myself slipping somewhere. My limbs started to tingle. Some part of me wanted to embrace the darkness because I felt I couldn't defeat it. I started praying, singing church songs in my head, trying to open my mouth to utter a prayer. Each time I did this, the light became brighter and I felt stronger, and then it would take me again. We struggled with one another for what seemed like 10-15 minutes, but was probably only a few seconds. I came to the decision to outshine it no matter what it took. I was stronger, I would prevail. No one will ever take control of me. Ever.

I mustered up all the spiritual strength I had. I reached into the depths of my soul. I found I was able to move my lips. I then opened my mouth and was finally able to mutter "in the name of Jesus Christ depart". I don;t know why I said that, or quite where it came from, but as soon as I said those words, I was free. Everything was right as rain again, and I rolled onto my back and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I called my dad at work and told him what happened. He told me it was a dream. My mother said the same thing. Many of you may say the same also. I happen to think there are a few experiences in life that are profound, and they teach us lessons. That. to me was one of those experiences. I realize this may not be wise to post on the internet, but I have since met others who have had very similar experiences. Maybe someone out there in blogsville has too.

April just sent me this picture. It was taken when I was preggo with Jade at her daughters birthday party. Man I was HUGE!! Can you say ghetto booty? I'm pretty sure my ass has shrunk since then.

The egg hunt yesterday. That's Mandi in the background. 

we're all infected

We are all sick. Sick sick sick. All four of us. We are all up to our ears in mucus and hacking flem out of our lungs. We are all whiny, miserable, and grumpy. Well, except Jade. Somehow she seems to have a smile on her face even though her little nose is clogged with snot. It's so sad to see her nurse. Since she can't breathe through her nose, she sucks a few times, then lets go and takes a few deep breaths through her mouth, and then back to sucking until she runs out of air again. Poor thing. Usually what ends up happening is she sucks long enough to get my milk flowing, and then pulls away letting my milk spray all over the place, and it ends up getting in her eyes. Poor baby. She sounds like a little piggy when she breathes too. It's actually kind of cute, but sad.

Jared just decides to wake up in the middle of the night and call me over and over until I get my lazy butt out of bed so I can take him to the bathroom. He refuses to go by himself now. He's gotten to be afraid of the dark. Well, actually he's afraid of Spooky Bart. At nighttime now he has me check his room to make sure Spooky Bart isn't hiding in the closet or under the bed waiting to get him. I think Spooky Bart came from a Halloween Simpsons episode where Bart lived in the attic or something like that. I think it was supposed to be a parody of "Hunchback of Notre Dame". Anyway, now Spooky Bart is Jared's boogie monster.

I just feel like a big pile of steamy crap. I've been feverish for the past couple of days and I've been coughing so hard I've almost puked a few times. Being sick sucks. I think this place needs to get aired out. Ya know what sucks the most about being sick? Not being able to taste food. Doug grilled up steak last night and I made stawberry shortcake for dessert, and I couldn't taste a damn thing. That really pisses me off. I'm sure it was good too.

Yesterday was our Easter. Last week we were in Vegas for Bryan and Christa's wedding, so we just pushed it forward a week. Billy and Mandi came over and we did an egg hunt for the boys. Mandi is Doug's sister, and since their mom didn't have Easter dinner this year , we just decided to do it together. Doug's mom hates holidays. They didn't dress up for Halloween, or get Easter baskets, so Mandi wanted to make sure Holden gets to do all the fun things she didn't as a kid. The boys had a great time, despite this evil little virus that's kicking our asses. I think that's about enough complaining for today folks.

One quick question: are any of you having problems posting comments here? If so please e-mail me so I know who can and can't post. Thanks!

Betcha didn't know...

~ I used to smoke
~I have a tatoo of a flower on my hip, got it when I was 19.
~ I was in a car accident when I was 19 and broke my left ankle and elbow.
~I have a big scar on my elbow from the surgery
~ In that accident, my friend at the time and I were coming home from a club in LA, and she fell asleep at the wheel. We crashed head on into a palm tree. Not pretty at all.
~I'm kind of a spiritual person. Not somuch into horoscopes and things of that nature.
~I'm religious, even though I don't go to church anymore.
~I pray
~ A few years ago Doug and I lived in San Jose together
~We paid $1000 per month for a studio apartment that had no air condition, no heat, no dishwasher, no disposal, and no bathtub.
~I am lazy
~I'm flaky. This is inherited from my father
~I only speak to my birth father about 2 or 3 times a year.
~My stepdad married my mom when I was 3 and he's been all the father I need. I call him dad.
~I'm very self-conscious
~I have a deep love and appreciation for music. I can feel it and understand it.
~I have never seen a ghost, although I have had a couple "supernatural" encounters. Maybe I'll write about that later.
~ I want everyone to like me, and I care very much what people think. ( A big weakness of mine.)
~I am very caring and giving
~I am a nurturer
~I am very close with my grandparents and used to live with them.
~ I've never really had much responsibility, until I moved out
~Once Doug and I moved in together, I had a job and finally took it seriously.
~I once traveled all over the country with a drum corps.
~My boyfriend at that time was a drum instructor for the corps
~I traveled with them all summer as a volunteer, and helped out in the "chuck truck" (I cooked)
~I was in the RCC marching band in college as a percussionist.
~They are one of the best college marching bands in the US and have made appearances in commercials, movies, and every major parade.
~I went to summer church camp every year from the time I was 12 to 17.
~My last year of camp, I was a counselor
~I was somewhat of a party girl in my youth.
~My best friend and I would go down to Tijuana and party with the Marines at night.
~ I smoked pot.
~I stopped because it always made my heart race. I wonder if speed would have had a mellowing effect on me?
~I might one day like to be a lactation consultant.
~ I want to be a preschool teacher.
~I am messy
~I am not very responsible
~I a spontaneous person
~I got my tonsils out when I was 7
~I was in ballet and tap dance when I was a kid. (wasn't everyone?)
~I could shake my grove thang pretty well at the clubs with Christa
~Sometimes we would hold hands and tell ugly guys we were lesbians so they would leave us alone.
~In high school, I was a co-drum captain for the drumline I was in.
~In high school, I was very envious of my good friend April because she was beautiful and a cheerleader. She was popular too. I don't think I ever told her that.
~I've been to almost every national park in the west, with the exception of ones in Canada
~I've been to the top of the Eiffel Tower
~ I've been through the smelly canals of Venice via gondola.
~Yesterday Doug came home from work with a purple rose and a teddy bear that said "I love you"
~Then he took me out for a prime rib and shrimp dinner.
~I have a pretty boring life, don't I folks??

I need some ideas here people!!

Doug's cousin is getting married in two weeks and her bridal shower is this Saturday. Now, I don't know her very well and I have no idea what to get her for the shower. Should I get something off the registry, or is that pretty much a wedding thing? They are going to Cancun on their honneymoon, so maybe I could get something for the trip. I am racking my brain here. I don't really want to get her lingerie because I don't really know her style. Does anyone out there have any suggestions as to what to get? I will take ALL and ANY!! I guess if all else fails, I could just get her something off the registry. I really wanted to maybe do a gift basket for the honneymoon, I just can't figure out what to put in it. Looking for some creative suggestions. I know ya'll are creative!

And, in case you are wondering... Doug and I are muuuuuuuuuuuuuch better. Vegas was great. Thanks for all your support.

Thanks to Daphne, who installed haloscan for me because I'm a computer illiterate moron, commenting should be a bit easier now. Thanks ho-bag!!:)

poop on a stick

seeing if I got this shizzle right..................

things that make you go hmmmm

How freaking odd is it that the day after Christmas, a tsunami hits southeast Asia, killing hundreds of thousands....And then the day after Easter, virtually in the same spot, a massive earthquake hits and kills god knows how many. Weird coincidence.

The road trip!!! All these pics were taken just outside Vegas. It looks just like this where I live too. Last night it took us 5 and a half hours to get home, verses 3 and a half. That's Easter Sunday for ya!! 

sunset 

yucca trees, I think 

at the conservatory in the Bellagio. It was beautiful and the smell of flowers was amazing. We stopped by here after the reception. 

The happy couple. It was a lovely ceremony that brought alot of us to tears. What a vision. 

Isn't she beautiful? This was right before the ceremony. You should have seen us in the hotel room getting ready. We were all chickens looking for our heads. 

Here's Jade in her Easter dress. She loves the ruffles. 

Better today

I am feeling better today, I had a long talk with a friend who was in a similar situation. I am not depressed today, sorry for the "woe is me" post.

So tonight we are off to Vegas!! My friend is getting married and I am so excited for her. I get to be in the wedding as her bridesmaid. Last night I finally went out and bought some shoes to go with the dress. I'm excited about getting all dolled up. It's gonna be fuuuuuuuun. April's going to be there too, so it will be nice to see her again too.

I need to get my butt in gear and clean this damn house and pack me some clothes! I've been on the phone all morning and haven't gotten anything done. I'll post some pics when I get back.

My thoughts as of today

I couldn't sleep last night because I have been thinking about alot of things lately. I wasn't going to post about this in my blog, but my mood is such that this is consuming me. Today I feel unloved by the person whom I love the most in the entire world, besides my children. I feel like he can't stand the sight of me, and he hates comming home to me. I feel like I am constatly chasing him to get any affection because he wants nothing to do with me at times. I feel so pathetic and needy and clingy when I beg for a kiss, or a hug and then he reluctantly gives in half-heartedly. I have been making excuses for him when he does this thinking "he's just tired from work". But in reality, I just think he is just plain sick of me. I think he stopped loving me a while ago. I think he tolerates me because I am his childrens mother. I have come to grips with this after thinking about it for some time. I don't feel like he respects me for who I am as a person, with feelings, and thoughts of my own. I feel like he doesn't like any aspect of me, that the very sound of my voice irritates him, and the touch of my hand disgusts him. He pulls away from me when I approach and acts like he doesn't know I am trying to get affection. I am so hurt, I feel lonely, I need him because I love him more that he knows, and he doesn't want me. I am pathetic. I am that weak dependant person he can't stand, and for that I hate myself.

Here's my little alfalfa. Her hair does this naturaly. I've tried everything. Gel, hairspray, it all goes back to this after a few hours. Jared says she has a plant growing out of her head. Her new nickname is "Fat Albert Jade Elise". Don't ask, I have no idea! 

Nostalgia

Yesterday was a great day, and I'm in a great mood. Well, okay, I don't know about great, so let's just say good. But good is better then bad, or bored, so I will defiantly take good.

I had a very yummy Mexican lunch with my girls yesterday, and it is defiantly about damn time too. I live two hours away from my family and friends, so my visits are sometimes few and far between. I wish we had more time though, just to laugh and reminisce, maybe get a little silly from the margaritas. It's harder to do those "adult" things though when you have nursing babies to tend to. But it was fun nonetheless, and it was great to get out. AND, the food was damn good. I gorged myself on chips and salsa and ended up regretting it last night, but who cares? It was worth it.

April came out on Friday and brought her two little ones. She ended up spending the night because it started raining pretty good in the late afternoon. We had a great time. We kicked back a bottle of wine and actually did get just a little toasty. You know, that point where everything just seems funny, and things just seem more carefree? I think the stick was removed from my ass for a moment. Fun times. Fun times. In the old days, April and I used to polish off a bottle of Arbor Mist, (the big bottle) and eat cheap cheese and crackers and smoke cigarettes in her driveway. We were some silly kids back then. We'd get drunk and talk about life, love, and aliens. Yes, aliens. It was our thing. Those were the days, huh Ape?

Christa and I were some crazy cats too. Once when we were 18 we got some bum to buy us some Stawberry Hill. Then we went way up into the hills (no, we didn't invite the bum) at like 11:00 at night to drink. I guess we thought we were cool, being underage and all. So there we stood, among the coyotes and snakes, and god knows what else, and drank our nasty Strawberry Hill. Just as we were getting back into my car, a pair of headlights came straight for us. I think I tossed my bottle down the hill, and Christa put hers at her feet in the car. As the headlights came closer, we realized it was a COP CAR. Holy crap. We were scared SHITLESS. So there's Christa, sitting in the car with an open bottle of alcohol at her feet, and the door was wide open. So if at anytime he decided he wanted to go talk to Christa, he would have spotted it. So the cop comes up to me and asks what the hell we are doing up in the hills of our town, in the middle of nowhere. I just said the first thing that popped into my head which was " we are on the way to her house , and she had to pee and couldn't hold it. So I drove up here so she could pee, because we couldn't find any gas stations anywhere. We were just about to leave when you pulled up." I. was. sweating. bullets. He looked around and looked at the car with Christa inside, who was probably shitting herself. Thank god he didn't approach the car. Finally he said " well, it's not safe for you two to be up here and you can follow me out". Oh my god. He actually believed me. We just got away with it! I think Christa and I learned a lesson that night because we NEVER did that again. I don't know why we thought drinking was so cool. I suppose all kids do though.

Sometimes on a cool summer evening, just as the sun is setting and the breeze blows across my face, I reminisce of the old days, when we were young , without a care in the world. We were alive and floating like a feather through life, and we were incredibly, incredibly STUPID.

SHE ROLLED OVER!!!

She did it!!!!! She's been on the verge for a few days now, and last night she finally got her big butt over!! She wanted her pacifier, so she was determined to do anything at that point. I love watching my children reach milestones. It's so satisfying to watch them grow and develop into actual people with characteristics and personalities. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. She just reached 4 months two days ago and it seems like I was just pregnant yesterday. *sigh*

I've seen this done on other people's blogs

and since I don't have anything much to say, I thought this might be kinda fun

Some things you probably didn't know about me:

~I used to wear braces in middle school
~I took 10 years of piano lessons, and was at one point a pretty accomplished classical pianist (don't have access to a piano now though)
~ I've been to 7 countries in Europe, mostly paid for by money I earned teaching piano lessons in high school.
~My son, Jared was born 9lbs, 10oz and it took three and a half hours to push him out.
~Jade was born an hour after I arrived at the hospital with no drugs whatsoever. My throat was sore the next day because of all the screaming. Yep folks I was one of those people you see on TLC where they are screaming their head off. That was totally me. Right there. (Jade ended up being small, only 8lbs, 12oz!)
~I grew up mormon, and my dad's a bishop
~I was a drummer in the high school marching band
~I barely graduated high school
~I worked as a store manager at a Ritz Camera in Berkeley while I was pregnant with Jared
~We didn't give our kids names that both start with "J" on purpose
~I made it halfway through boot camp for the Army. (I am a wimp, I say! I have no clue as to why I joined the Army, totally not my thing)
~I'm a sappy, sensitive, emotionally clingy person. This is both good and bad.
~ I breastfed both children successfully. Jared for over a year.
~I bought myself a new pair of Vans and the new kick ass Dyson vacuum tonight. I can't wait to vacuum tomorrow!
~ I LOVE Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and The Matrix.
~ I love love love broadway musicals. "The Sound of Music" is one of my fav's along with "Les Miserables"
~ I've never been skiing or snowboarding
~ I used to LOVE rap music and actually had some woofers in my car. Until they got stolen.
~Disneyland is my favorite place, probably because I am such a dreamer.

There's more. But I'm tired and I'm off to bed for now.

Just breathe

Maybe I don't have a right to be jealous, but I am. I'm jealous that Doug takes Taekwando 3 nights a week, and I'm at home with the kids. I'm jealous that Doug goes over to his brother-in-law's house for a "guys" night to watch movies. The kids and I aren't invited. The brother-in-law made that very clear. I'm jealous that he can go over to his brother's house for a guys night of games, and I'm at home with the kids. ( he actually didn't go tonight though) I'm jealous because Doug can go anywhere he wants to without the kids. I can't. Doug and I haven't been on a date in at least 6 months. I haven't been alone with my girlfriends in almost a year. I just want 2 hours for Christ's sake to be Carrie. All I am anymore is mommy. Wherever we go, I am constantly worrying about hungry children, leaky boobs, Jared's behavior, dirty diapers, going potty, and holding hands in the parking lot, among other things. I need some alone time. The last time I was actually without any children at all was at my baby shower in October. I need to feel like I have an identity, other then my children's' mother. This is my life everyday, all day, with absolutely no breaks whatsoever. I am starting to feel suffocated. I need a breath of fresh air. This monotony is driving me to the point of loosing myself. I'm just a robot who goes through the motions, doing the same things everyday. Nothing changes. I'm way past bored, I'm numb. I need to be away for a while to be a better mother, to stop yelling, and stop getting so irritated all the time. I miss the days of just enjoying my kids, their cute idiosyncrasies, and the sound of their laughter. Now it annoys me. Everything does. I need to escape this, I need to get away. Just for 2 hours, is that too much to ask? No, I don't think it is. I want to go to the spa and get a manicure and pedicure, and maybe a massage. I want to go to the mall by myself and buy a pretty outfit, with matching shoes and everything. I want to go on a romantic date with Doug, just the two of us, and enjoy a nice dinner together with interesting conversation. I miss that. I need that. Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe I sound bitchy and whiny, and for that I'm sorry. But it is what it is. I'm allowed to bitch and moan sometimes, it's a god given right to me as a mother. I'm off to bed now, finally.
I spilled an entire bowl of chili on my beige carpet today. Nice.

Here's Jared's Ninja Turtle cake 

morning snuggles 

bundled and bewildered 

sleeping beauty 

I think I've had an epiphany

So last night I was thinking about myself, my future, things I want to accomplish, my hopes, dreams, things of that sort. What if I decided to go back to school to someday become.............................................. a preschool teacher???? Maybe it sounds a little lame to some of you, but for this non-career oriented stay-at-home-mom, it sounds like my cup of tea. I can take a few classes at the college and over a period of time get my associates degree in Child Education. Then in a few years, when my kids are older, I'd maybe like to work part-time at a preschool. It totally suits me. I love to read to my kids, do art projects with Jared, I teach him letter and number recognition, he knows the sounds of each letter. Hell, I'm already a preschool teacher, I just have one student! Having some type of degree will give me that sense of accomplishment I am needing in my life, and what could be more fun then learning about children? Maybe I could be a licensed child-care giver, have day care out of my home? Maybe someday. Yep, I think that's what I want to do. Hey, how about that? I've got it all figured out! I am really excited to start this. Summer semester, here I come baby!

I just have to brag for a quick second

Doug got a new job! He interviewed for it about 2 weeks ago and they just now got back to him. Apparently it was between him and another guy and they had a heck of a time deciding, until they called Doug's references. I am so happy and proud of him. It's a supervising position based out of Valencia, right near Magic Mountain. So it's a bit closer then North Hollywood, where he's working now. It pays more too. Not a whole lot more, but about 2 dollars an hour more. Any little bit helps right? So anyway, since this is a journal of sorts, I just wanted to share.

He's such a sweet big brother. Notice the look of fear in Jade's eyes! Poor thing. Jared is now completly potty trained! Wahoo! Now if he can learn not to get pee all over the bathroom floor, he'd be all set. That's a boy for ya *sigh*. 

I wish I were a brainiac

Being a stay-at-home-mom has it's advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, I can pretty much sleep in in the mornings, stay in my pajamas all day long if I want to, and be with the two people I care about most in this world. On the other hand, I haven't used my brain in about 3 years. I miss challenging myself intellectually. (not that I was ever really an intellect anyway) I miss really having think about things. You know, analyzing and comparing things, getting lost in your own thoughts. All day long I do nothing but nurse Jade, play blocks with Jared, clean up the house, read to Jared, change Jade's diaper.. etc, all that domestically "woman" stuff. That's all I do.... everyday. The last time I ever remember actually thinking in depth about anything was when I read "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, after which I read "The Silmarillion". These books made me use my brain, my imagination, gave me something to think and ponder about. I have read the trilogy three times now just because of that reason. I felt so much more alive, and "adult" if you will. Seriously folks, how challenging is it to have a conversation with a three year old all day? I have such a desire to stimulate my mind. I feel I am better then this redundancy. Redundancy- is that even a word? I have no college education and I was pretty much just your average student in high school. Except I had NO ambition. I don't know why that is. I didn't have a desire to better myself and learn new things. Then again, I was taking piano lessons, I was a drummer in the marching band, and I was very active in my church youth organization. Now I don't have those things. I have my wonderful children whom I love dearly. Being a mother is a great accomplishment in itself, I completely understand that. That's not enough. I want to explore new things, learn a new hobby, challenge myself, accomplish something to be proud of . I don't necessarily want a career of sorts, I'd much rather stay at home with my kids. But I need something else. Maybe it's time to go back to school, just for the sake of learning, just for the sake of a challenge.

My family's not perfect, you know?

So lets see.... Jared's birthday get together with Doug's side of the family is Sunday. That should be fun. I get along really well with his family, they are good people. His mom is a little on the crazy side though- no really she's crazy, certifiable I tell you. Lately she's been even crazier then normal, so no one in the family really wants anything to do with her. There was an incident in December involving an overdose of tylenol, but she swears she wasn't trying to kill herself. Makes sense really, because in her former non-crazy life she was a nurse. She knows that a handful of tylenol won't do the job. I don't even think she got her stomach pumped. The thing is, she struggles with depression. She blames pretty much everyone in her life for her depression, including her own children. She swears nobody loves or cares about her, and she quite literally is sad every time I see her. THAT is the reason her kids won't go see her, not because nobody loves her. She has very young, impressionable grandkids, and we don't really want them around sad, depressed nana, (and she's crazy, did I mention that?) It's gotten to the point where Doug doesn't even want her watching our kids anymore, and pretty much all his siblings feel the same way. I guess he's afraid of what she'll do when the kids are there. Now, I have no doubt in my mind that she would never in any way hurt her grandchildren. To her, they are the only thing good in her life. But her own children know best, I suppose. After all, they have seen her sickness and dealt with it their entire lives. She pretty much lives in her bedroom, she sleeps ALL DAY LONG. She blames her poor loving husband for EVERYTHING, this woman is all about guilt trips. She used to treat Doug and his sister Shanna pretty badly when they were growing up, and I think that all plays a part in the reason Doug hasn't spoken to her in almost a year. (they only live a little over a mile away) I realize I may have painted a horrible picture of my mother-in-law. But really folks, I lover her dearly and I care about her well-being. I try to visit her about once a week with the kids so she feels loved. That's probably the highlight of her week, since she can't stand her own family that lives at their house. Yes, it's exhausting dealing with a crazy person, that's why her kids have pretty much written her off. We have tried to help, but nothing we tell her helps or changes anything. We've tried to be there for her, but she pushes us away. All one can do is love her, and tell her how much we care, but of course that's not enough. Nothing is.

my buddy 

Ode to my Jared monster

The moment I found out I was preganant with you was one that was full of surprise
You should have see the happiness in your daddy's beautiful eyes
As I carried you around inside I felt that for sure you were a boy
But I didn't realize how much I would love you and how my life would be filled with such joy.
I remember the day you first smiled at me, it was a moment I'll never forget.
I knew right there and then I'd love you forever, and I wouldn't have any regrets.
When you took your first steps, I smiled at you and eagerly cheered you on
knowing you were growing up, and your baby days were gone.
As the months went by I proudly watched you as you grew,
I watched you run and climb and play, as little boys often do.
I remember thinking how fast time seems to be flying by
and how I will cherish every bedtime story and snuggle I get at night.
It's amazing how fast you are growing up, I can't believe my eyes.
Before I know it, you'll be going to school and playing baseball with the guys.
Today you turn three and I love you more then I ever have before.
I can't wait to see how your life plays out, and all the wonderful things that are in store.
But for now you are still my little Jared monster, I'll enjoy it while it lasts,
and when I am holding your own baby boy, I'll think fondly of the past.
So happy birthday sweetheart, my handsome little boy
May each day be filled with fond memories of happiness and joy.

Love, Mommy

Rant

I'm so frustrated today. Hy apartment smells like trash and there are nasty dishes all over the kitchen. There's dirty laundry in the hall, the guest bathroom smells like pee, and the living room has "Justice League" action figures all over the place. On top of all that, Jade has been trying to eat my head, but refuses to nurse, AND she screamed for an hour and a half today. PLUS, Jared has just been sitting in his room for the past 2 and half hours sucking his damn thumb watching cartoons. All he wants to do now is lay around the house and watch "Teen Titans" or "Justice League". That's it. He has no desire to play AT ALL. He doesn't want to go outside, he doesnt' want to read books, no play-dough, no puzzles, nothing. Just tv. ALL. DAY. LONG. I feel lazy like I haven't accomplished anything, and I really hate that feeling. I think I'm going to get my ass up and clean the damn kitchen, and make Jared help me. I feel like a horrible mom. No more tv for Jared. Sonofabitch, Jade just woke up.

Here's a great side view 

Here's my nephew Holden and his mohawk 

Scary movies

Doug rented The Grudge tonight and is making me watch it RIGHT NOW. I really hate scary ghosty movies. HATE them. With a passion. So here I am on the laptop in the living room, trying to avoid the scary parts, you know, when the music stops and someone looks around a corner, only to see some corpse-looking ghost glaring at them, beckoning them to join the rest of the ghosts in some world they are trapped in. God that really creeps me out. I hate the ghost movies. Aliens, monsters, witches, mummys, no problem. And what's with that kid meowing like a cat anyway? Ha ha Doug, I'm not watching it!!!!!

My kid is the spawn of Satan

Kay, not really. But for Christ's sake the boy is driving me NUTS! Why is it this kid's mission in life to send me to an early grave? Huh? Tell me. He's going to be 3 in a week and I don't know what in the world has gotten into the litt:le booger lately. He talks back, he doesn't listen, he does everything opposite of what I say, and for crying out loud, I'm ready to sell him to the highest bidder. Anyone want a good-looking smart potty-trained 3 year old? (He's really smart, too smart for his own good I tell ya) Any takers?

Okay, in all seriousness, I DO love Jared TO DEATH. But why oh why does he insist on pushing my buttons to no end? For instance, this is how bedtime goes:
me: Jared it's time to brush your teeth
Jared: I don't want to brush my teeth
me: I know honey, but you have to brush them or they will fall out, and you won't be able to eat anything.
Jared: I DON'T WANT TO BRUSH MY TEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!
me: shhhhhhhh, Jade is sleeping you have to be quiet, now brush your teeth.
Jared: (on purpose, so Jade will most defiantly wake up) NOOOOOOOO!

Okay, this kind of stuff happens ALL DAY. Everything is a constant struggle. He even shuts his eyes and covers his ears when he's in trouble so he doesn't have to listen. And folks, when he does THAT, I loose it. Nice mommy is gone. Now comes the yelling. No, I am not proud of it, in fact I hate yelling at him, especially when I'm holding Jade. I shouldn't yell at him like that, I know, bad mommy. I admit I'm a spanker too. But seriously folks, when I'm in that situation, I don't know what to freaking do. He makes my blood boil when he purposefully shuts me out. Arghhhhhh! HOPEFULLY things will get better. He didn't used to be like this. He used to be a sweet, loving little boy who listened to his mommy and didn't try to make her life a living hell.

Here's a picture of me and Doug right outside the wedding chapel. Don't you just love my gown? My hair is uncurled, my make-up came off, and I am slouching. Oh well, it was a realllllly long day. 

Here's my all-time favorite picture of Jade. I just love the way her little nose crinkles up when she smiles! 

Me and the kidlets 

here's my Jade 

here are my kiddos 

Goin' to the chapel and we're gonna get ma-a-a-ried...

So we finally did it! We tied the knot after 5 years of togetherness and 2 kids. I guess you could say it's about damn time. Vegas was a blast. I didn't realize how tiring it would be with a 2 and a half year old, and a 3 month old baby. Everything takes twice as long with the kiddies around. But it was fun just the same. I swear Jade must already be teething or something because she keeps eating her hand ALL DAY LONG. Plus she's been such a grumpy butt lately. I remember Jared at 3 months started teething, but didn't actually get teeth until he was about 6 months.
Okay, so anyway, back to the Vegas mumbo jumbo. Sunday night we pretty much walked up and down the strip watching the drunkards make fools of themselves while singing "Margaritaville" at the outdoor Karaoke bar. Pretty funny to watch I'd have to say. Jared enjoyed Excallibur and the volcano at the Mirage. We didn't get a chance to see the water show at the Bellagio though. I was really looking forward to that. We also missed the pirate show at Treasure Island, which Jared was bummed about. But I think we are going back in a few months anyway, and we will stay a little longer.
So the next day, Monday was valentines Day. After we gorged ouselves at the Circus Circus buffet for breakfast we went to the adventure dome for some rides and games. We had a great time, and Jared went on his first "mini" roller coaster. I swear the poor kid held on for dear life! At least he cracked a smile for a quick picture though.
After all the hullabaloo we headed off to the Marriage license bureau. So we go inside and get the license. Yada yada yada. Outside there are limmos with "wedding recruiters" to wisk you away to a romantic Las Vegas $40 wedding at the Las Vegas Wedding Chapel of Love. No, I am not kidding. Well, you can't beat 40 bucks for a wedding plus limmo ride right? So off we went wearing our jeans and all to this cute little wedding chapel. We got the whole Las Vegas wedding experience (minus Elvis) complete with an 8x10 photo, a rose and a sweet, romantic 10 minute ceremony in a cozy room under an archway donned with flowers and vines. It was actually quite nice. I know it may sound a little cheezy, but to me it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I had a hard time getting through my vows. I tried not to break into my "ugly cry" so I took my time. I have a lovely ruby ring adorned with diamond rounds set in a platinum ring. It totally suits me. It's not one of those "bling bling" rings, but I couldn't ask for a better one. Good job honey, I LOVE it! I don't remember what we said to each other word for word in those 10 minutes, but I do know we promised to love each other through better or worse for forever. Those wonderful words are some that I will never forget.

A little bit sappy

Today I have a new-found appreciation for my friends. Not that I've never appreciated them before, of course. It's just been reiterated. I just want the two of you to know how much I love you, how much I care about you, and how much I am inspired by you. You know who you are :) You are wonderful people with hearts of gold, always giving to those who need it. You are both world-class mothers, who would do anything on earth for your kids. You are beautiful, funny, intelligent and incredibly fun. I am so touched by your thoughtfulness. I hope one day I can give back to you what you have given me in the time we have known each other. You have shown me how to be a great mother and a great person. I have learned so much from you, and your friendships mean more than I can say. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you when you needed me, we all know I can get a bit flakey! But my heart has always been with you. We have known each other a long time and you both have been there for me through a lot of stuff. Thank you for caring about me, thank you for your friendship, thank you for seeing things in me that I don't see, thank you for loving me even for my faults. You will never be forgotten, you will always be loved. I cherish you both, and now I am crying. I know I don't really say these things to you, but I thought you should know.

On a much less sappy note: I'm going to Vegas baby!!! We are going for Valentines Day. Should be fun, can't wait! I promise I will post pictures soon.

Brown paper packages tied up with strings...

These are a few of my favorite things:

~ The way my daughter's nose crinkles when her beautiful mouth curls into a smile
~ The smell of my grandma's house
~ The sound of my little boy's voice when he sweetly says "I love you mommy"
~ The peaceful look on my children's' faces when are sound asleep. (especially after a hard day)
~ Chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate!
~ Laying in bed with my sweetheart while he plays with my hair as I am wrapped around him
~ The beautiful sound of laughter from my 2 (almost 3) year old.
~ The smell of rain
~ Doug's penetrating blue eyes
~The natural smell of Jade's head. (without baby shampoo)
~ Christmas morning
~Coming home to visit mom and dad
~ 4th of July in Bakersfield
~ Drinking grown up drinks with my girlfriends ( I miss that one terribly)
~A hearty laugh you can feel to the core
~ a clean house ( gotta love that!)
~ The smell of baking cookies ( preferably chocolate chip)
~ The color red
~ Nursing my darling Jade in my comfy rocker
~Reading to Jared just before bed as he curls his fingers in my hair.
~ The crispness of a fall morning
~ The smell of a cozy fire in a fireplace
~ Christmas carols
~ A nice bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. Don't forget the candles!
~

Just thought I'd share a few with you.
~

Hollywood

Okay I think it's about time to update! My house smells like trash right now, I hate that. I like to wake up in the morning and walk out to a nice, clean living room and kitchen. Nope!! We had broccoli last night and it stinks because I threw the rest away. I hate broccoli smell. My kitchen is a mess because I made apple bran muffins last night for Doug to take to work in the mornings. These aren't just any muffins, mind you. They are 6-week bran muffins. The batter lasts for 6 weeks in the fridge and the recipe yields some 6 or 7 dozen. So, I've got apple shavings and crap all over my floor.

So, anyhow, Sunday we took a day trip into Hollywood. It was a much needed break from the monotony of my domestic duties. The weather was nice, the traffic wasn't bad, Jared was in a great mood, and Jade slept most of the day. We parked in a parking garage, (5$ to park of course) and walked along Hollywood Blvd. Out in front of Mann's Chinese Theater there were a dozen or so impersonators. We got pictures with Spiderman, Wonder Woman, and that pirate from " Pirates of the Caribbean", you know, the Johnny Depp character. Batman was a dick. He was picking on the retards. (sorry, that was really un- pc, what I meant was "learning impaired" or some crap like that.) Some poor "learning impaired" kid was walking along with his fake plastic star wars light saber, when Batman snatched it out of his hand and stuck it in the poor kids face and started making fun of him! Jared really wanted a picture with Batman, but Doug told him that particular batman was fake and MEAN. ( I think batman heard, I'm not really sure) Anyway, I felt bad for Jared, but at least he got one with Spiderman, he was really cool.
So towards to end of the day, we all went to the Build a Bear Workshop. Mandi (Doug's sister) and her husband Billy, and their son Holden were with us, and Mandi wanted to get Holden a bear.
Okay, for those of you that don't know, this "Build a Bear Workshop", or whatever it's actually called is a rich kids heaven. What you do is you pick out any teddy bear in the store and you stuff it, buy clothes, shoes, sunglasses, hats, whatever. You basically get to make your own bear. Then you get to name it and they print out a little birth certificate for you. And by the time you are done, you've spent like 50 bucks on a friggin bear. Yeah, cute. So Mandi is picking out her bear all it's accessories when this huge group of kids comes for a birthday party at the store. Like 10-12 8 year olds come running into the store excited as can be. The store manager is the host of the party and he says "Okay how many of you have been here before?" All of them raise their hand. Then I hear "I have 3", and "Well I have 5". Five? Five build a bears? Rich little brats.
So anyway, while their little party is going on, Doug an I are standing near the exit because Billy is buying their bear. All the sudden I hear this loud BANG and the window rattling. I look over toward the noise and I see Jared walking away from the window. That bang was Jareds HEAD on the window. Apparently, he thought it was a doorway, because right outside the window is a sidewalk. Doug saw the whole thing. I guess he decided to take a flying leap into the window. Poor guy. He was really embarrassed, and he had a huge bump on his head. Now the bump has gone down but there is a nasty bruise on his forehead.
Even with that little accident, we had a pretty good day. It was really nice to be out.