a new post, and a new outlook

I feel like blogging, so I will. Screw it. As most of you who read me on a fairly regular basis know, I grew up in a very religeous household. One of the many things engrained into my young impressionable self was to always listen to the still small voice. No, not THOSE kind of voices, (I know what some of you may be thinking. Hardy-har) but that calm rational voice in the back of your thoughts that always seems to get burried underneath our logical, sensible, seemingly reasonable thougts. You know the one. Sometimes out of the blue you decide to take the long way home, for no reason at all, or you check in on a friend because all of a sudden you felt the urgency. Sometimes it can calm you down in the midst of a crisis. That little thought that says "it's okay. Take a step back, and a deep breath". That's the kind I'm talking about. I keep hearing it over and over. I've been one huge ball of stress with the I-can-do-anything-because-I'm-a-superwife syndrome. You know what? My damn house isn't going to get clean every freaking day. Dinner isn't going to be cooked every damn night. It's okay to cheat and use those Lysol sanitizing wipes on the sink and toilet when company is comming over. I don't have to clean the kids room every stinking day. Or mine, for that matter. And if there's dust on the TV, you can suck my ass if you don't like it. (I didn't literally mean YOU)

Here's what I've been realizing: My kids are young NOW. Now is the time to spend with them. The housework can wait. I'm a stay at home mom, and that means it's my responsibility to teach them and spend quality time with them, and make the day pretty much about THEM. I can work on me later in life. I can do the things to better myself when they are older. There's plenty of time for that, an entire lifetime to learn, and work on personal goals. I've been completly stressing out about not being able to take time for me, to work on the things I'd like to do for myself. Not just quiet time, but life altering changes, to better myself, and not just be "a mom". I need to step back and look at the big picture of life. This is such a short time. I'm not relishing Jade's infancy because I'm too selfish thinking about myself, wondering when oh when can I just leave her for a few nights for a weekend getaway without the kids. Stop and smell the roses. Yes. Enjoy life as it comes. There will be time for me, but right now it's about them. Enjoy parenthood. See their beautiful faces, take in their scent, trace the lines of their smiles, listen to them. Watch these little miracles develop into actual people with thoughts and opinions and personalities of thier own. It's amazing to see character traits of Doug and myself out of these little people. Why am I so eager to overlook all of this, and get caught up in day to day shit? The still small voice is there. It's letting me know I need to slow down, and enjoy life. Live it. I intend to listen.

current mood

Numb
by Lincoln Park

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be