Thursday, March 31, 2005

Betcha didn't know...

~ I used to smoke
~I have a tatoo of a flower on my hip, got it when I was 19.
~ I was in a car accident when I was 19 and broke my left ankle and elbow.
~I have a big scar on my elbow from the surgery
~ In that accident, my friend at the time and I were coming home from a club in LA, and she fell asleep at the wheel. We crashed head on into a palm tree. Not pretty at all.
~I'm kind of a spiritual person. Not somuch into horoscopes and things of that nature.
~I'm religious, even though I don't go to church anymore.
~I pray
~ A few years ago Doug and I lived in San Jose together
~We paid $1000 per month for a studio apartment that had no air condition, no heat, no dishwasher, no disposal, and no bathtub.
~I am lazy
~I'm flaky. This is inherited from my father
~I only speak to my birth father about 2 or 3 times a year.
~My stepdad married my mom when I was 3 and he's been all the father I need. I call him dad.
~I'm very self-conscious
~I have a deep love and appreciation for music. I can feel it and understand it.
~I have never seen a ghost, although I have had a couple "supernatural" encounters. Maybe I'll write about that later.
~ I want everyone to like me, and I care very much what people think. ( A big weakness of mine.)
~I am very caring and giving
~I am a nurturer
~I am very close with my grandparents and used to live with them.
~ I've never really had much responsibility, until I moved out
~Once Doug and I moved in together, I had a job and finally took it seriously.
~I once traveled all over the country with a drum corps.
~My boyfriend at that time was a drum instructor for the corps
~I traveled with them all summer as a volunteer, and helped out in the "chuck truck" (I cooked)
~I was in the RCC marching band in college as a percussionist.
~They are one of the best college marching bands in the US and have made appearances in commercials, movies, and every major parade.
~I went to summer church camp every year from the time I was 12 to 17.
~My last year of camp, I was a counselor
~I was somewhat of a party girl in my youth.
~My best friend and I would go down to Tijuana and party with the Marines at night.
~ I smoked pot.
~I stopped because it always made my heart race. I wonder if speed would have had a mellowing effect on me?
~I might one day like to be a lactation consultant.
~ I want to be a preschool teacher.
~I am messy
~I am not very responsible
~I a spontaneous person
~I got my tonsils out when I was 7
~I was in ballet and tap dance when I was a kid. (wasn't everyone?)
~I could shake my grove thang pretty well at the clubs with Christa
~Sometimes we would hold hands and tell ugly guys we were lesbians so they would leave us alone.
~In high school, I was a co-drum captain for the drumline I was in.
~In high school, I was very envious of my good friend April because she was beautiful and a cheerleader. She was popular too. I don't think I ever told her that.
~I've been to almost every national park in the west, with the exception of ones in Canada
~I've been to the top of the Eiffel Tower
~ I've been through the smelly canals of Venice via gondola.
~Yesterday Doug came home from work with a purple rose and a teddy bear that said "I love you"
~Then he took me out for a prime rib and shrimp dinner.
~I have a pretty boring life, don't I folks??

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

I need some ideas here people!!

Doug's cousin is getting married in two weeks and her bridal shower is this Saturday. Now, I don't know her very well and I have no idea what to get her for the shower. Should I get something off the registry, or is that pretty much a wedding thing? They are going to Cancun on their honneymoon, so maybe I could get something for the trip. I am racking my brain here. I don't really want to get her lingerie because I don't really know her style. Does anyone out there have any suggestions as to what to get? I will take ALL and ANY!! I guess if all else fails, I could just get her something off the registry. I really wanted to maybe do a gift basket for the honneymoon, I just can't figure out what to put in it. Looking for some creative suggestions. I know ya'll are creative!

And, in case you are wondering... Doug and I are muuuuuuuuuuuuuch better. Vegas was great. Thanks for all your support.

Thanks to Daphne, who installed haloscan for me because I'm a computer illiterate moron, commenting should be a bit easier now. Thanks ho-bag!!:)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

poop on a stick

seeing if I got this shizzle right..................

Monday, March 28, 2005

things that make you go hmmmm

How freaking odd is it that the day after Christmas, a tsunami hits southeast Asia, killing hundreds of thousands....And then the day after Easter, virtually in the same spot, a massive earthquake hits and kills god knows how many. Weird coincidence.

The road trip!!! All these pics were taken just outside Vegas. It looks just like this where I live too. Last night it took us 5 and a half hours to get home, verses 3 and a half. That's Easter Sunday for ya!! Posted by Hello

sunset Posted by Hello

yucca trees, I think Posted by Hello

at the conservatory in the Bellagio. It was beautiful and the smell of flowers was amazing. We stopped by here after the reception. Posted by Hello

The happy couple. It was a lovely ceremony that brought alot of us to tears. What a vision. Posted by Hello

Isn't she beautiful? This was right before the ceremony. You should have seen us in the hotel room getting ready. We were all chickens looking for our heads. Posted by Hello

Friday, March 25, 2005

Here's Jade in her Easter dress. She loves the ruffles. Posted by Hello

Better today

I am feeling better today, I had a long talk with a friend who was in a similar situation. I am not depressed today, sorry for the "woe is me" post.

So tonight we are off to Vegas!! My friend is getting married and I am so excited for her. I get to be in the wedding as her bridesmaid. Last night I finally went out and bought some shoes to go with the dress. I'm excited about getting all dolled up. It's gonna be fuuuuuuuun. April's going to be there too, so it will be nice to see her again too.

I need to get my butt in gear and clean this damn house and pack me some clothes! I've been on the phone all morning and haven't gotten anything done. I'll post some pics when I get back.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

My thoughts as of today

I couldn't sleep last night because I have been thinking about alot of things lately. I wasn't going to post about this in my blog, but my mood is such that this is consuming me. Today I feel unloved by the person whom I love the most in the entire world, besides my children. I feel like he can't stand the sight of me, and he hates comming home to me. I feel like I am constatly chasing him to get any affection because he wants nothing to do with me at times. I feel so pathetic and needy and clingy when I beg for a kiss, or a hug and then he reluctantly gives in half-heartedly. I have been making excuses for him when he does this thinking "he's just tired from work". But in reality, I just think he is just plain sick of me. I think he stopped loving me a while ago. I think he tolerates me because I am his childrens mother. I have come to grips with this after thinking about it for some time. I don't feel like he respects me for who I am as a person, with feelings, and thoughts of my own. I feel like he doesn't like any aspect of me, that the very sound of my voice irritates him, and the touch of my hand disgusts him. He pulls away from me when I approach and acts like he doesn't know I am trying to get affection. I am so hurt, I feel lonely, I need him because I love him more that he knows, and he doesn't want me. I am pathetic. I am that weak dependant person he can't stand, and for that I hate myself.

Here's my little alfalfa. Her hair does this naturaly. I've tried everything. Gel, hairspray, it all goes back to this after a few hours. Jared says she has a plant growing out of her head. Her new nickname is "Fat Albert Jade Elise". Don't ask, I have no idea! Posted by Hello

Monday, March 21, 2005


Yesterday was a great day, and I'm in a great mood. Well, okay, I don't know about great, so let's just say good. But good is better then bad, or bored, so I will defiantly take good.

I had a very yummy Mexican lunch with my girls yesterday, and it is defiantly about damn time too. I live two hours away from my family and friends, so my visits are sometimes few and far between. I wish we had more time though, just to laugh and reminisce, maybe get a little silly from the margaritas. It's harder to do those "adult" things though when you have nursing babies to tend to. But it was fun nonetheless, and it was great to get out. AND, the food was damn good. I gorged myself on chips and salsa and ended up regretting it last night, but who cares? It was worth it.

April came out on Friday and brought her two little ones. She ended up spending the night because it started raining pretty good in the late afternoon. We had a great time. We kicked back a bottle of wine and actually did get just a little toasty. You know, that point where everything just seems funny, and things just seem more carefree? I think the stick was removed from my ass for a moment. Fun times. Fun times. In the old days, April and I used to polish off a bottle of Arbor Mist, (the big bottle) and eat cheap cheese and crackers and smoke cigarettes in her driveway. We were some silly kids back then. We'd get drunk and talk about life, love, and aliens. Yes, aliens. It was our thing. Those were the days, huh Ape?

Christa and I were some crazy cats too. Once when we were 18 we got some bum to buy us some Stawberry Hill. Then we went way up into the hills (no, we didn't invite the bum) at like 11:00 at night to drink. I guess we thought we were cool, being underage and all. So there we stood, among the coyotes and snakes, and god knows what else, and drank our nasty Strawberry Hill. Just as we were getting back into my car, a pair of headlights came straight for us. I think I tossed my bottle down the hill, and Christa put hers at her feet in the car. As the headlights came closer, we realized it was a COP CAR. Holy crap. We were scared SHITLESS. So there's Christa, sitting in the car with an open bottle of alcohol at her feet, and the door was wide open. So if at anytime he decided he wanted to go talk to Christa, he would have spotted it. So the cop comes up to me and asks what the hell we are doing up in the hills of our town, in the middle of nowhere. I just said the first thing that popped into my head which was " we are on the way to her house , and she had to pee and couldn't hold it. So I drove up here so she could pee, because we couldn't find any gas stations anywhere. We were just about to leave when you pulled up." I. was. sweating. bullets. He looked around and looked at the car with Christa inside, who was probably shitting herself. Thank god he didn't approach the car. Finally he said " well, it's not safe for you two to be up here and you can follow me out". Oh my god. He actually believed me. We just got away with it! I think Christa and I learned a lesson that night because we NEVER did that again. I don't know why we thought drinking was so cool. I suppose all kids do though.

Sometimes on a cool summer evening, just as the sun is setting and the breeze blows across my face, I reminisce of the old days, when we were young , without a care in the world. We were alive and floating like a feather through life, and we were incredibly, incredibly STUPID.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


She did it!!!!! She's been on the verge for a few days now, and last night she finally got her big butt over!! She wanted her pacifier, so she was determined to do anything at that point. I love watching my children reach milestones. It's so satisfying to watch them grow and develop into actual people with characteristics and personalities. I can't believe how fast time is flying by. She just reached 4 months two days ago and it seems like I was just pregnant yesterday. *sigh*

Saturday, March 12, 2005

I've seen this done on other people's blogs

and since I don't have anything much to say, I thought this might be kinda fun

Some things you probably didn't know about me:

~I used to wear braces in middle school
~I took 10 years of piano lessons, and was at one point a pretty accomplished classical pianist (don't have access to a piano now though)
~ I've been to 7 countries in Europe, mostly paid for by money I earned teaching piano lessons in high school.
~My son, Jared was born 9lbs, 10oz and it took three and a half hours to push him out.
~Jade was born an hour after I arrived at the hospital with no drugs whatsoever. My throat was sore the next day because of all the screaming. Yep folks I was one of those people you see on TLC where they are screaming their head off. That was totally me. Right there. (Jade ended up being small, only 8lbs, 12oz!)
~I grew up mormon, and my dad's a bishop
~I was a drummer in the high school marching band
~I barely graduated high school
~I worked as a store manager at a Ritz Camera in Berkeley while I was pregnant with Jared
~We didn't give our kids names that both start with "J" on purpose
~I made it halfway through boot camp for the Army. (I am a wimp, I say! I have no clue as to why I joined the Army, totally not my thing)
~I'm a sappy, sensitive, emotionally clingy person. This is both good and bad.
~ I breastfed both children successfully. Jared for over a year.
~I bought myself a new pair of Vans and the new kick ass Dyson vacuum tonight. I can't wait to vacuum tomorrow!
~ I LOVE Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, and The Matrix.
~ I love love love broadway musicals. "The Sound of Music" is one of my fav's along with "Les Miserables"
~ I've never been skiing or snowboarding
~ I used to LOVE rap music and actually had some woofers in my car. Until they got stolen.
~Disneyland is my favorite place, probably because I am such a dreamer.

There's more. But I'm tired and I'm off to bed for now.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Just breathe

Maybe I don't have a right to be jealous, but I am. I'm jealous that Doug takes Taekwando 3 nights a week, and I'm at home with the kids. I'm jealous that Doug goes over to his brother-in-law's house for a "guys" night to watch movies. The kids and I aren't invited. The brother-in-law made that very clear. I'm jealous that he can go over to his brother's house for a guys night of games, and I'm at home with the kids. ( he actually didn't go tonight though) I'm jealous because Doug can go anywhere he wants to without the kids. I can't. Doug and I haven't been on a date in at least 6 months. I haven't been alone with my girlfriends in almost a year. I just want 2 hours for Christ's sake to be Carrie. All I am anymore is mommy. Wherever we go, I am constantly worrying about hungry children, leaky boobs, Jared's behavior, dirty diapers, going potty, and holding hands in the parking lot, among other things. I need some alone time. The last time I was actually without any children at all was at my baby shower in October. I need to feel like I have an identity, other then my children's' mother. This is my life everyday, all day, with absolutely no breaks whatsoever. I am starting to feel suffocated. I need a breath of fresh air. This monotony is driving me to the point of loosing myself. I'm just a robot who goes through the motions, doing the same things everyday. Nothing changes. I'm way past bored, I'm numb. I need to be away for a while to be a better mother, to stop yelling, and stop getting so irritated all the time. I miss the days of just enjoying my kids, their cute idiosyncrasies, and the sound of their laughter. Now it annoys me. Everything does. I need to escape this, I need to get away. Just for 2 hours, is that too much to ask? No, I don't think it is. I want to go to the spa and get a manicure and pedicure, and maybe a massage. I want to go to the mall by myself and buy a pretty outfit, with matching shoes and everything. I want to go on a romantic date with Doug, just the two of us, and enjoy a nice dinner together with interesting conversation. I miss that. I need that. Maybe it will happen soon. Maybe I sound bitchy and whiny, and for that I'm sorry. But it is what it is. I'm allowed to bitch and moan sometimes, it's a god given right to me as a mother. I'm off to bed now, finally.
I spilled an entire bowl of chili on my beige carpet today. Nice.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Here's Jared's Ninja Turtle cake Posted by Hello

morning snuggles Posted by Hello

bundled and bewildered Posted by Hello

sleeping beauty Posted by Hello

I think I've had an epiphany

So last night I was thinking about myself, my future, things I want to accomplish, my hopes, dreams, things of that sort. What if I decided to go back to school to someday become.............................................. a preschool teacher???? Maybe it sounds a little lame to some of you, but for this non-career oriented stay-at-home-mom, it sounds like my cup of tea. I can take a few classes at the college and over a period of time get my associates degree in Child Education. Then in a few years, when my kids are older, I'd maybe like to work part-time at a preschool. It totally suits me. I love to read to my kids, do art projects with Jared, I teach him letter and number recognition, he knows the sounds of each letter. Hell, I'm already a preschool teacher, I just have one student! Having some type of degree will give me that sense of accomplishment I am needing in my life, and what could be more fun then learning about children? Maybe I could be a licensed child-care giver, have day care out of my home? Maybe someday. Yep, I think that's what I want to do. Hey, how about that? I've got it all figured out! I am really excited to start this. Summer semester, here I come baby!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

I just have to brag for a quick second

Doug got a new job! He interviewed for it about 2 weeks ago and they just now got back to him. Apparently it was between him and another guy and they had a heck of a time deciding, until they called Doug's references. I am so happy and proud of him. It's a supervising position based out of Valencia, right near Magic Mountain. So it's a bit closer then North Hollywood, where he's working now. It pays more too. Not a whole lot more, but about 2 dollars an hour more. Any little bit helps right? So anyway, since this is a journal of sorts, I just wanted to share.

Monday, March 07, 2005

He's such a sweet big brother. Notice the look of fear in Jade's eyes! Poor thing. Jared is now completly potty trained! Wahoo! Now if he can learn not to get pee all over the bathroom floor, he'd be all set. That's a boy for ya *sigh*. Posted by Hello

Friday, March 04, 2005

I wish I were a brainiac

Being a stay-at-home-mom has it's advantages and disadvantages. On one hand, I can pretty much sleep in in the mornings, stay in my pajamas all day long if I want to, and be with the two people I care about most in this world. On the other hand, I haven't used my brain in about 3 years. I miss challenging myself intellectually. (not that I was ever really an intellect anyway) I miss really having think about things. You know, analyzing and comparing things, getting lost in your own thoughts. All day long I do nothing but nurse Jade, play blocks with Jared, clean up the house, read to Jared, change Jade's diaper.. etc, all that domestically "woman" stuff. That's all I do.... everyday. The last time I ever remember actually thinking in depth about anything was when I read "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, after which I read "The Silmarillion". These books made me use my brain, my imagination, gave me something to think and ponder about. I have read the trilogy three times now just because of that reason. I felt so much more alive, and "adult" if you will. Seriously folks, how challenging is it to have a conversation with a three year old all day? I have such a desire to stimulate my mind. I feel I am better then this redundancy. Redundancy- is that even a word? I have no college education and I was pretty much just your average student in high school. Except I had NO ambition. I don't know why that is. I didn't have a desire to better myself and learn new things. Then again, I was taking piano lessons, I was a drummer in the marching band, and I was very active in my church youth organization. Now I don't have those things. I have my wonderful children whom I love dearly. Being a mother is a great accomplishment in itself, I completely understand that. That's not enough. I want to explore new things, learn a new hobby, challenge myself, accomplish something to be proud of . I don't necessarily want a career of sorts, I'd much rather stay at home with my kids. But I need something else. Maybe it's time to go back to school, just for the sake of learning, just for the sake of a challenge.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

My family's not perfect, you know?

So lets see.... Jared's birthday get together with Doug's side of the family is Sunday. That should be fun. I get along really well with his family, they are good people. His mom is a little on the crazy side though- no really she's crazy, certifiable I tell you. Lately she's been even crazier then normal, so no one in the family really wants anything to do with her. There was an incident in December involving an overdose of tylenol, but she swears she wasn't trying to kill herself. Makes sense really, because in her former non-crazy life she was a nurse. She knows that a handful of tylenol won't do the job. I don't even think she got her stomach pumped. The thing is, she struggles with depression. She blames pretty much everyone in her life for her depression, including her own children. She swears nobody loves or cares about her, and she quite literally is sad every time I see her. THAT is the reason her kids won't go see her, not because nobody loves her. She has very young, impressionable grandkids, and we don't really want them around sad, depressed nana, (and she's crazy, did I mention that?) It's gotten to the point where Doug doesn't even want her watching our kids anymore, and pretty much all his siblings feel the same way. I guess he's afraid of what she'll do when the kids are there. Now, I have no doubt in my mind that she would never in any way hurt her grandchildren. To her, they are the only thing good in her life. But her own children know best, I suppose. After all, they have seen her sickness and dealt with it their entire lives. She pretty much lives in her bedroom, she sleeps ALL DAY LONG. She blames her poor loving husband for EVERYTHING, this woman is all about guilt trips. She used to treat Doug and his sister Shanna pretty badly when they were growing up, and I think that all plays a part in the reason Doug hasn't spoken to her in almost a year. (they only live a little over a mile away) I realize I may have painted a horrible picture of my mother-in-law. But really folks, I lover her dearly and I care about her well-being. I try to visit her about once a week with the kids so she feels loved. That's probably the highlight of her week, since she can't stand her own family that lives at their house. Yes, it's exhausting dealing with a crazy person, that's why her kids have pretty much written her off. We have tried to help, but nothing we tell her helps or changes anything. We've tried to be there for her, but she pushes us away. All one can do is love her, and tell her how much we care, but of course that's not enough. Nothing is.