Helping to clean the bowl. Yum. 

Today she's 1

Happy Birthday to my Jadie Baby. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I first laid eyes on her. I don't care what anyone says, yes, I still remember the agonizing pain the 8lb, 12 oz offspring of mine bestowed on me and my poor insides. She was defiantly worth it though, just look at that face. She now walks, and runs, dances (preferably to Vanilla Ice, but whatever), says mom-mom, da-da, and ca-ca (that's cracker). She's the sweetest little girl, and I can't put into words how much I love her, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.  

a new post, and it's a bit depressing.

Nothing is inspiring me right now.I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I'd rather not write anything at all if I have nothing nice to say. And frankly, I don't. But, if you all must know, I've been rather depressed lately. I feel like a ghost in my own home most of the time, hoping to get the slightest attention from the one person who vowed to love me forever, through good times and bad. It's not that he's being mean, it's that I simply don't matter anymore. I'm just one more mouth to feed, and one more annoyance in his life. He doesn't love me anymore, and I can see how little he cares for me when he looks right through me. There's no physical contact, and I think the thought of it disgusts him. We are courteous to each other, and every now and then he'll joke a little with me, and so for an instant I feel like things are back to normal, and I almost forget not to touch his hand or put my arm around him in a flirtatious manner. That's when it hurts the most, because I remember that things are in fact NOT normal, and I retract my hand with a lump in my throat. I fake my happiness for my kids, so they don't see how heartbroken and utterly depressed I am. I fake it in front of him, so he doesn't really know how empty and lonely I am. I'll just push him away even further with my display of "weakness". Going to the gym 5 days a week helps, because just for that hour or so, I can be in my own world working on me. I'm in the best shape of my life, and he won't even look at me. I could literally walk naked around the house and he wouldn't even look up from the damn tv. Im taking one day at a time, and some days are fine, and some aren't. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and break everything in the house, but I can't. Those are the bad days. I sleep next to him every night, but I sleep alone, and I'm empty.

Here we are at my in-law's house after a fun filled night of trick-or-treating. Unfortunatly, I couldn't get a good one of the kids, I think they'd had enough Halloween at that point. Jared's the green Power Ranger, and Jade's Minnie Mouse, if you couldn't tell. We had a nice night. 

my sis in law Mandi and I. I am wearing a tail, but I guess I wasn't turned enough.