a new post, and it's a bit depressing.

Nothing is inspiring me right now.I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I'd rather not write anything at all if I have nothing nice to say. And frankly, I don't. But, if you all must know, I've been rather depressed lately. I feel like a ghost in my own home most of the time, hoping to get the slightest attention from the one person who vowed to love me forever, through good times and bad. It's not that he's being mean, it's that I simply don't matter anymore. I'm just one more mouth to feed, and one more annoyance in his life. He doesn't love me anymore, and I can see how little he cares for me when he looks right through me. There's no physical contact, and I think the thought of it disgusts him. We are courteous to each other, and every now and then he'll joke a little with me, and so for an instant I feel like things are back to normal, and I almost forget not to touch his hand or put my arm around him in a flirtatious manner. That's when it hurts the most, because I remember that things are in fact NOT normal, and I retract my hand with a lump in my throat. I fake my happiness for my kids, so they don't see how heartbroken and utterly depressed I am. I fake it in front of him, so he doesn't really know how empty and lonely I am. I'll just push him away even further with my display of "weakness". Going to the gym 5 days a week helps, because just for that hour or so, I can be in my own world working on me. I'm in the best shape of my life, and he won't even look at me. I could literally walk naked around the house and he wouldn't even look up from the damn tv. Im taking one day at a time, and some days are fine, and some aren't. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and break everything in the house, but I can't. Those are the bad days. I sleep next to him every night, but I sleep alone, and I'm empty.