can't spell check. Forgive my spelling.

Now that I'm a mother, and nearing the age of 30, it's only natural I have a different perspective on life, and myself. I can honestly say that only just recently have I begun to truely know who I am, and what kind of person I've become. I never really knew myself before. I think I just did what everyone else did, and thought the way everyone else thought, and never really thought about what kind of things I like, or what personality type I was. I think for the most part people tend to find themselves earlier in life than this, but maybe I'm a slow learner. I've come to find out I'm a very shy person, and definatly a people pleaser. Maybe that's why it's taken me so long to figure out what I want in life, because I always wanted what others had, or wanted for me. I couldn't figure out why I didn't do well in school, or never had any desire to go to college and start a career. My friends went, I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I'm a very self-consious person, and I'm always wondering what people are actually thinking of me. Even when it comes to this blog, alot of times I don't write anything at all for fear of people judging my literary skills. I've come to find I'm very co-dependant, and need the approval of others all the time. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, and have often felt akward at social gatherings because I felt I didnt fit in. I guess that would explain my promiscuity during my short-lived college years. I didn't mean to be that way, but for the first time in my life, I felt pretty, and that boys actaully liked me. I felt like I fit in, and like I was actaully cool, if I acted and looked a certain way. Had I been more secure with myself I know I would have chosen a different path. Oh, if only I could have felt it was okay to be alone to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could have been so comfortable with myself I didn't need the approval of a man, to tell me I was worth something. I wish I could kick myself for ever being so clingy, and dependant on others. I know this is part of my personality, and I still deal with it today, but at least I know now. At least I know and understand my behavior. Being married to the type of husband I have completly clashes with my personality type. He hates the weak pathetic antics of a co-dependant person. He has little to no compassion, and for someone who desires compassion, and reassurace constantly, it makes for a very difficult marriage at times. At least I understand these things about us. It does make it easier to deal with. Being married, I have leaned so much about myself, and about other people too. Maybe I've finally grown up into a real life adult. Imagine that.