bad mama

Alas, another "complaining" post. Sorry folks.
For those of you who have read this blog for a while, you'll know I have an "angeliclly challenged" three-year-old.

So today I spanked Jared. Harder then usual. Totally inappropriate behavior on my part. I hate spanking him. Hate it, and I always feel guilty afterwards, and I hug and console, and apologize. The thing is, he doesn't act like he really cares. He doesn't cry, he just whines a little, and then stands in the hallway for time out. When I was a kid, I bawled everytime I was spanked. I'm not saying I want to physically hurt him, and make him cry from the pain, but for some reason it pisses me off when he acts non-chalant about it. Maybe because I feel somewhat undermined in my authority. He talks back ALL the time, and I think he sees himself as an equal to me, rather then a child vs parent. In some aspects that's a good thing. I don't want him to be afraid, or feel intimated by me in any way, but I surely want him to know that I'm the mom, and what I say goes. Sounds like a dictatorship doesn't it? But c'mon, he's 3. Of course I let him have his own opinions. He can wear what he wants, he can choose what he wants to eat for lunch (within reason, of course), he decides what games we play. So I do let him be himself. But he's such a stubborn little shit sometimes. Then again, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I'm going to have to figure out how to punish him without spanking. It's not working, and I don't want to keep hitting my child. After all, what excatly is that teaching him? Nothing positive, that's for damn sure. I'll try some other things, and let you all know how it goes. Good luck to me.