Helping to clean the bowl. Yum. 

Today she's 1

Happy Birthday to my Jadie Baby. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I first laid eyes on her. I don't care what anyone says, yes, I still remember the agonizing pain the 8lb, 12 oz offspring of mine bestowed on me and my poor insides. She was defiantly worth it though, just look at that face. She now walks, and runs, dances (preferably to Vanilla Ice, but whatever), says mom-mom, da-da, and ca-ca (that's cracker). She's the sweetest little girl, and I can't put into words how much I love her, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.  

a new post, and it's a bit depressing.

Nothing is inspiring me right now.I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I'd rather not write anything at all if I have nothing nice to say. And frankly, I don't. But, if you all must know, I've been rather depressed lately. I feel like a ghost in my own home most of the time, hoping to get the slightest attention from the one person who vowed to love me forever, through good times and bad. It's not that he's being mean, it's that I simply don't matter anymore. I'm just one more mouth to feed, and one more annoyance in his life. He doesn't love me anymore, and I can see how little he cares for me when he looks right through me. There's no physical contact, and I think the thought of it disgusts him. We are courteous to each other, and every now and then he'll joke a little with me, and so for an instant I feel like things are back to normal, and I almost forget not to touch his hand or put my arm around him in a flirtatious manner. That's when it hurts the most, because I remember that things are in fact NOT normal, and I retract my hand with a lump in my throat. I fake my happiness for my kids, so they don't see how heartbroken and utterly depressed I am. I fake it in front of him, so he doesn't really know how empty and lonely I am. I'll just push him away even further with my display of "weakness". Going to the gym 5 days a week helps, because just for that hour or so, I can be in my own world working on me. I'm in the best shape of my life, and he won't even look at me. I could literally walk naked around the house and he wouldn't even look up from the damn tv. Im taking one day at a time, and some days are fine, and some aren't. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and break everything in the house, but I can't. Those are the bad days. I sleep next to him every night, but I sleep alone, and I'm empty.

Here we are at my in-law's house after a fun filled night of trick-or-treating. Unfortunatly, I couldn't get a good one of the kids, I think they'd had enough Halloween at that point. Jared's the green Power Ranger, and Jade's Minnie Mouse, if you couldn't tell. We had a nice night. 

my sis in law Mandi and I. I am wearing a tail, but I guess I wasn't turned enough. 

my son, the pimp

So, apparently Jared has a girlfriend at preschool. Her name is Gracie and she wears a Strawberry Shortcake sweatshirt. Last night he was telling us about her, and how he tried to catch her as she jumped down from the monkey bars. In fact, he's so taken with her, that last night before he took his shoes off he said very matter-of-factly "Gracie's my girlfriend". And then before he brushed his teeth "Gracie's my girlfriend". And again as he hopped into bed "Gracie's my girlfriend". Today he hasn't really mentioned her. I guess that's good. After school today, Mrs. Lynn took me aside and commented on how well Jared is behaved and that he's doing very well in preschool. She said during coloring he came and sat down next to her and said "Sooooo, where'd you get those green eyes?" *Sigh* I'm gonna have to watch that kid.

first day of preschool

It went well, although I had to pretty much drag his ass out of bed. He had an "incident" at 4 am and he was pretty damn tired this morning at 7:30 when I woke him up. When we arrived, all the kids were playing in the back where she had a giant trampoline, and a huge swingset. Jared took to the trampline right away. After a few minutes of playtime, they went inside for a story, after which I left. He was pretty shy at first, but Mrs. Lynn said he warmed up towards the end. I think he's really going to love this. He has more homework. This time he is to bring something red from home and share it with the class. I think he's going to build a tower out of red leggos. So, the first day went well. Thank god.

As for me, well, I've been sweating my ass off at the gym about 4 days a week, and I love it. LOVE it I tell you. I've been getting better too. I'm no longer the one clutching my chest sprawled out on the floor trying to get a breath of air so I don't die of a heart attack. I'm totally hanging in there now, and it feels good to make progress. And, I LOVE my yoga class. Yes Penny, you were right. Where the hell are you anyway? I also LOVE my striptease class. I'm telling you, it's the greatest thing. Now I have an excuse to shake my ass without going to some meat market of a club, in which I'm way to old for anyway. It's a ladies only gym, and all the middle aged moms shake their money makers like they did ten years ago before they were soccer moms. Yeah, it's fun. Anyway, that's it for today. Gotta make dinner.

Screaming fits of rage

Yep. That's my daughter's new favorite pastime. For the past week or so she's been plopping herself onto the floor screaming with madness at the slightest inconvenience. If she's hungry, she screams. If she doesn't get her way, she screams. If I walk out of the room, she screams. When she wakes up, she screams. When she's trying to poop, she screams. And, it's not just the high-pitched girly scream. It's kind of a demonic, warrior battle-cry scream. I'm blaming it on teething, because god only knows how quickly that child will end up locked in the closet if this is more then temporary. (I'm kidding, people, sheesh) Anyhow, my ears aren't bleeding, yet. I guess that's a good sign.

In other news, Jared starts preschool this coming Tuesday. I am so excited for him. He is too. I'm a little nervous though, about how he'll act around the other kids. God, please let him be nice to the other kids. He usually interacts just fine with other children, but with his cousin Holden, sometimes he doesn't play so nice. I think it's just the relationship between the two, as in Jared thinks he's the boss. I'm crossing my fingers he won't say "I love pink taco". Billy and Mandi's friend Darcy taught him that one. Yeeeeahhhhh, that's gonna stop. Anyway, I'll let you all know how his first day turns out.

the wrath of Katrina

Lately I haven't been able to watch the news as much, and until yesterday, I had no idea how devastating the hurricane actually was. I have been reading some online news articles about the devestation, and it's sureal to me. New Orleans is literally under water with thousands expected to be dead. There's no power, water, or food to many of the small communities in the south, and some of the refugees are dehydrated, and sick. A one year-old baby died the other day due to heat exhaustion. Dysintary is now sitting in, in some small communities due to raw sewage and rotting corpses the hurricane has left behind. Rescuers are searching house by house for any survivors, and and to dispose of the bodies. I know there are a number of relief efforts helping in the south right now, and they are doing all they can, but I just wonder if it's enough. It's so weird to me that we have a disaster of this magnatude in our own country. It's so nieve of me to think this only happens in other places, and that we are exempt from catastrophical disasters. I think we as Americans are all reeling from this, and I just pray to God these people will be alright. I hope they can rebuild their lives, and their homes, and busineses. I hope New Orleans will once again be a lively city, full of energy and life, a city which so many people have come to love. I don't think it will ever be the same again. I have been there once, and it truely is one of America's most treasured cities. I hope the spirit of New Orleans will shine through in the end, and that one day this disaster will be but a distant memory.

Jared's homework. I think he did pretty well, considering he doesn't like to color or do art projects, and for being 3. At least he colored MOSTLY in the lines. 

I caught her mid-hop. She LOVES to dance anytime music is playing. That seems to be her new trick. She even does it on command. At nine months she now waves bye-bye, says uh-oh, and cruises all around the furniture, but not walking on her own yet. Oh, and she's now starting to throw monster tantrums if she doesn't get her way. Nice. 

Jared's doing great. He starts preschool on the 13th of this month and he's excited as hell. He's already had a "homework" assignment. Registration papers arrived in the mail a few days ago along with a picture of a tree he was instructed to color, and then put apple stickers on. He did quite well. 

a new post, and a new outlook

I feel like blogging, so I will. Screw it. As most of you who read me on a fairly regular basis know, I grew up in a very religeous household. One of the many things engrained into my young impressionable self was to always listen to the still small voice. No, not THOSE kind of voices, (I know what some of you may be thinking. Hardy-har) but that calm rational voice in the back of your thoughts that always seems to get burried underneath our logical, sensible, seemingly reasonable thougts. You know the one. Sometimes out of the blue you decide to take the long way home, for no reason at all, or you check in on a friend because all of a sudden you felt the urgency. Sometimes it can calm you down in the midst of a crisis. That little thought that says "it's okay. Take a step back, and a deep breath". That's the kind I'm talking about. I keep hearing it over and over. I've been one huge ball of stress with the I-can-do-anything-because-I'm-a-superwife syndrome. You know what? My damn house isn't going to get clean every freaking day. Dinner isn't going to be cooked every damn night. It's okay to cheat and use those Lysol sanitizing wipes on the sink and toilet when company is comming over. I don't have to clean the kids room every stinking day. Or mine, for that matter. And if there's dust on the TV, you can suck my ass if you don't like it. (I didn't literally mean YOU)

Here's what I've been realizing: My kids are young NOW. Now is the time to spend with them. The housework can wait. I'm a stay at home mom, and that means it's my responsibility to teach them and spend quality time with them, and make the day pretty much about THEM. I can work on me later in life. I can do the things to better myself when they are older. There's plenty of time for that, an entire lifetime to learn, and work on personal goals. I've been completly stressing out about not being able to take time for me, to work on the things I'd like to do for myself. Not just quiet time, but life altering changes, to better myself, and not just be "a mom". I need to step back and look at the big picture of life. This is such a short time. I'm not relishing Jade's infancy because I'm too selfish thinking about myself, wondering when oh when can I just leave her for a few nights for a weekend getaway without the kids. Stop and smell the roses. Yes. Enjoy life as it comes. There will be time for me, but right now it's about them. Enjoy parenthood. See their beautiful faces, take in their scent, trace the lines of their smiles, listen to them. Watch these little miracles develop into actual people with thoughts and opinions and personalities of thier own. It's amazing to see character traits of Doug and myself out of these little people. Why am I so eager to overlook all of this, and get caught up in day to day shit? The still small voice is there. It's letting me know I need to slow down, and enjoy life. Live it. I intend to listen.

current mood

Numb
by Lincoln Park

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

time away

I'm taking a break, or going on hiatus if you will. I'm totally unispired at the moment, and I'm frustrated with my inability to write as well as I'd like. I'm sure I will be back, eventually. I'll be reading my favorite bloggers probably on a fairly regular basis, so yes, I'll still be here, just not posting, for a while.

I'll leave you with this pic of Jared. He actually slept that way for quite a while. I love that little monster.

The Time Traveler's Wife. Read it.

Yesterday I finished my book and I haven't stopped thinking about it. Love should be that way, the way it is between Clare and Henry. There's is a love that transends time, and prevails through hardships beyond any that I could handle. There's is a love that lasts their lifetime, and I'm sad the book has come to an end. I've enjoyed getting to know these characters, and I'll miss them. This isn't really a romance novel, I'm not so much into those. It's more of a story of love over time. I highly recomend it. It's beautiful, riveting, enthralling, and heartwrenching. I'm glad I had the pleasure to read and experience this story. Now go out and get it!

me and Jared inside the Mirage 

happy on the ride home 

not so happy on the ride home 

the trip

Have you ever been outside in 117 degree heat before? Well let me explain what that feels like. As soon as you step out of your car, the hot wind slaps your face the way it does when you open an oven. Your eyes burn immediately, and that's the first thing you notice. Next you can feel the sun beat down on your head and you swear god is holding a magnifying glass up to the sun, the way little boys do to burn ants because there's no way the sun could actually be that hot. You begin to wonder if your hair is getting singed by the heat. Then you notice your feet. You can actually feel the heat radiating off the ground, the way it does in one of those old floor heaters. You also notice your movements are slow because it's actually uncomfortable to breathe in the hot air, and you feel as though you are walking through a furnace. That was the first day we arrived in Vegas. Thank god for air conditioning. We stayed at Excalibur. Right after check in we went down to the pool and had a much needed swim. Doug tried to get Jared to go down the waterslide, but he didn't want any part of it. I think it was intimidating to see the big kids come down and land with a big splash into the salty pool. I'd like to think it was salty because of the chemical treatments needed to sustain a pool that large, but it was probably all the sunscreen and sweat, not to mention the pee from all those little kids in there. You KNOW at least SOME of them peed. But, it was basically a public pool, so that's what you get. Yeah, yuck, but it was really fun and it felt nice to cool off. Later that night we went to our favorite Mexican restaurant at Circus Circus, and then headed over to the Bellagio to watch the water show and see the conservatory.

The next day we dragged ourselves out of bed and went down to the buffet in which we gorged ourselves senseless on everything from pancakes to enchiladas. Knowing full well it was hotter then Hades outside, we took the indoor moving sidewalk from Excalibur to the Luxor next door, and then on to Mandalay Bay where we spent a couple of hours at the shark reef where Jared got to pet some reef sharks and see jellyfish like in Nemo, and see sharks with jagged teeth which scared him a little. We took our time there, and enjoyed the air condition and the aquatic life. Later that night we headed over to Treasure Island to see the outdoor pirate show. And what I mean by "pirate show" is a bunch of hot half naked women provocatively dancing on a pirate ship accompanied by loud cannons, fire explosions, fireworks and a sinking ship. It's every man's fantasy, and I have to say I'm a little surprised it's open for public viewing because it was reeking of sexual innuendos. Years ago when I saw the show it wasn't nearly as raw, or as entertaining. Still, it was a good show for the most part. It was fun to watch, I'd have to admit.

The last day we checked out, and headed over to the Mirage to see the dolphin exhibit where we did indeed see dolphins, along with tigers, lions, and elephants. The sucky part about that was it being outside, and over 100 degrees. They did have those mister thingies you see at amusement parks to cool you off a little. Jared really liked this part of the trip because the dolphins swam right up to him and he could have touched one if he reached his hand out to it. Those animals are so awesome to watch. I think I want to swim with one sometime.

After the dolphins Doug and I got some frapacinos, and Jared had lemonade. We sat down inside the Mirage to cool off and relax. The boys then played in the arcade for an hour or so, and Jade and I went onto the terrace and watched the hotel guests relax and play in the pool. We then piled in the car and headed home. The kids were restless towards the end of the 4 hour drive, and when we finally got home I was glad to sit down on my own couch and sleep in my own bed. It was a great trip.