Winter's last hurrah

These photos were taken last week right outside our apartment. It was so fun to have an actual "winter" for a day or two. We made snowballs, caught big snowflakes on our tongues, and bundled in our warmest winter gear. It was so exciting to see a winter wonderland here in the desert. Afterwards we warmed ourselved by sipping hot chocolate. Yum!

can't spell check. Forgive my spelling.

Now that I'm a mother, and nearing the age of 30, it's only natural I have a different perspective on life, and myself. I can honestly say that only just recently have I begun to truely know who I am, and what kind of person I've become. I never really knew myself before. I think I just did what everyone else did, and thought the way everyone else thought, and never really thought about what kind of things I like, or what personality type I was. I think for the most part people tend to find themselves earlier in life than this, but maybe I'm a slow learner. I've come to find out I'm a very shy person, and definatly a people pleaser. Maybe that's why it's taken me so long to figure out what I want in life, because I always wanted what others had, or wanted for me. I couldn't figure out why I didn't do well in school, or never had any desire to go to college and start a career. My friends went, I thought that's what I was supposed to do. I'm a very self-consious person, and I'm always wondering what people are actually thinking of me. Even when it comes to this blog, alot of times I don't write anything at all for fear of people judging my literary skills. I've come to find I'm very co-dependant, and need the approval of others all the time. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, and have often felt akward at social gatherings because I felt I didnt fit in. I guess that would explain my promiscuity during my short-lived college years. I didn't mean to be that way, but for the first time in my life, I felt pretty, and that boys actaully liked me. I felt like I fit in, and like I was actaully cool, if I acted and looked a certain way. Had I been more secure with myself I know I would have chosen a different path. Oh, if only I could have felt it was okay to be alone to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. If only I could have been so comfortable with myself I didn't need the approval of a man, to tell me I was worth something. I wish I could kick myself for ever being so clingy, and dependant on others. I know this is part of my personality, and I still deal with it today, but at least I know now. At least I know and understand my behavior. Being married to the type of husband I have completly clashes with my personality type. He hates the weak pathetic antics of a co-dependant person. He has little to no compassion, and for someone who desires compassion, and reassurace constantly, it makes for a very difficult marriage at times. At least I understand these things about us. It does make it easier to deal with. Being married, I have leaned so much about myself, and about other people too. Maybe I've finally grown up into a real life adult. Imagine that.

I am worth $1,445,018 on HumanForSale.com

The party was a success

That's the Power Rangers cake. I don't think I'll ever get the red dye off my hands. We did have a great afternoon though. We let the kids run wild. 

my 4-year-old striking a pose amongst the loot. 

Jade with her Aunt Cammie 

and finally, a self portrait before the event. 

after the storm.

Things are good. It's a lazy Saturday morning after a big storm, and the sun is shining. The air is crisp and clear, and it has a very distinct smell of the desert after a rain. It's earthy, and pungent, and wild, like sagebrush. I'm drinking a fresh cup of coffee and I haven't tasted one that good in a while. Jade is still asleep, and Jared is building ships out of leggos. The dishes are done, and the kitchen is clean. The presents are wrapped for Jared's party today, and I am enjoying a little bit of peace and quiet to myself. Today will be a big day, but it will be fun. I have to pick up the Power Ranger cake at 3:00, and then the balloons, and head over to the pizza place to reserve tables for the family. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Life feels good. I'm happy today.

Just an update

I'm feeling better now. Two glasses of wine helps. The next post will be much less depressing.

Helping to clean the bowl. Yum. 

Today she's 1

Happy Birthday to my Jadie Baby. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I first laid eyes on her. I don't care what anyone says, yes, I still remember the agonizing pain the 8lb, 12 oz offspring of mine bestowed on me and my poor insides. She was defiantly worth it though, just look at that face. She now walks, and runs, dances (preferably to Vanilla Ice, but whatever), says mom-mom, da-da, and ca-ca (that's cracker). She's the sweetest little girl, and I can't put into words how much I love her, and how grateful I am to have her in my life.  

a new post, and it's a bit depressing.

Nothing is inspiring me right now.I know I've been neglecting my blog, but I'd rather not write anything at all if I have nothing nice to say. And frankly, I don't. But, if you all must know, I've been rather depressed lately. I feel like a ghost in my own home most of the time, hoping to get the slightest attention from the one person who vowed to love me forever, through good times and bad. It's not that he's being mean, it's that I simply don't matter anymore. I'm just one more mouth to feed, and one more annoyance in his life. He doesn't love me anymore, and I can see how little he cares for me when he looks right through me. There's no physical contact, and I think the thought of it disgusts him. We are courteous to each other, and every now and then he'll joke a little with me, and so for an instant I feel like things are back to normal, and I almost forget not to touch his hand or put my arm around him in a flirtatious manner. That's when it hurts the most, because I remember that things are in fact NOT normal, and I retract my hand with a lump in my throat. I fake my happiness for my kids, so they don't see how heartbroken and utterly depressed I am. I fake it in front of him, so he doesn't really know how empty and lonely I am. I'll just push him away even further with my display of "weakness". Going to the gym 5 days a week helps, because just for that hour or so, I can be in my own world working on me. I'm in the best shape of my life, and he won't even look at me. I could literally walk naked around the house and he wouldn't even look up from the damn tv. Im taking one day at a time, and some days are fine, and some aren't. Sometimes I want to throw a tantrum and break everything in the house, but I can't. Those are the bad days. I sleep next to him every night, but I sleep alone, and I'm empty.

Here we are at my in-law's house after a fun filled night of trick-or-treating. Unfortunatly, I couldn't get a good one of the kids, I think they'd had enough Halloween at that point. Jared's the green Power Ranger, and Jade's Minnie Mouse, if you couldn't tell. We had a nice night. 

my sis in law Mandi and I. I am wearing a tail, but I guess I wasn't turned enough. 

my son, the pimp

So, apparently Jared has a girlfriend at preschool. Her name is Gracie and she wears a Strawberry Shortcake sweatshirt. Last night he was telling us about her, and how he tried to catch her as she jumped down from the monkey bars. In fact, he's so taken with her, that last night before he took his shoes off he said very matter-of-factly "Gracie's my girlfriend". And then before he brushed his teeth "Gracie's my girlfriend". And again as he hopped into bed "Gracie's my girlfriend". Today he hasn't really mentioned her. I guess that's good. After school today, Mrs. Lynn took me aside and commented on how well Jared is behaved and that he's doing very well in preschool. She said during coloring he came and sat down next to her and said "Sooooo, where'd you get those green eyes?" *Sigh* I'm gonna have to watch that kid.

first day of preschool

It went well, although I had to pretty much drag his ass out of bed. He had an "incident" at 4 am and he was pretty damn tired this morning at 7:30 when I woke him up. When we arrived, all the kids were playing in the back where she had a giant trampoline, and a huge swingset. Jared took to the trampline right away. After a few minutes of playtime, they went inside for a story, after which I left. He was pretty shy at first, but Mrs. Lynn said he warmed up towards the end. I think he's really going to love this. He has more homework. This time he is to bring something red from home and share it with the class. I think he's going to build a tower out of red leggos. So, the first day went well. Thank god.

As for me, well, I've been sweating my ass off at the gym about 4 days a week, and I love it. LOVE it I tell you. I've been getting better too. I'm no longer the one clutching my chest sprawled out on the floor trying to get a breath of air so I don't die of a heart attack. I'm totally hanging in there now, and it feels good to make progress. And, I LOVE my yoga class. Yes Penny, you were right. Where the hell are you anyway? I also LOVE my striptease class. I'm telling you, it's the greatest thing. Now I have an excuse to shake my ass without going to some meat market of a club, in which I'm way to old for anyway. It's a ladies only gym, and all the middle aged moms shake their money makers like they did ten years ago before they were soccer moms. Yeah, it's fun. Anyway, that's it for today. Gotta make dinner.

Screaming fits of rage

Yep. That's my daughter's new favorite pastime. For the past week or so she's been plopping herself onto the floor screaming with madness at the slightest inconvenience. If she's hungry, she screams. If she doesn't get her way, she screams. If I walk out of the room, she screams. When she wakes up, she screams. When she's trying to poop, she screams. And, it's not just the high-pitched girly scream. It's kind of a demonic, warrior battle-cry scream. I'm blaming it on teething, because god only knows how quickly that child will end up locked in the closet if this is more then temporary. (I'm kidding, people, sheesh) Anyhow, my ears aren't bleeding, yet. I guess that's a good sign.

In other news, Jared starts preschool this coming Tuesday. I am so excited for him. He is too. I'm a little nervous though, about how he'll act around the other kids. God, please let him be nice to the other kids. He usually interacts just fine with other children, but with his cousin Holden, sometimes he doesn't play so nice. I think it's just the relationship between the two, as in Jared thinks he's the boss. I'm crossing my fingers he won't say "I love pink taco". Billy and Mandi's friend Darcy taught him that one. Yeeeeahhhhh, that's gonna stop. Anyway, I'll let you all know how his first day turns out.

the wrath of Katrina

Lately I haven't been able to watch the news as much, and until yesterday, I had no idea how devastating the hurricane actually was. I have been reading some online news articles about the devestation, and it's sureal to me. New Orleans is literally under water with thousands expected to be dead. There's no power, water, or food to many of the small communities in the south, and some of the refugees are dehydrated, and sick. A one year-old baby died the other day due to heat exhaustion. Dysintary is now sitting in, in some small communities due to raw sewage and rotting corpses the hurricane has left behind. Rescuers are searching house by house for any survivors, and and to dispose of the bodies. I know there are a number of relief efforts helping in the south right now, and they are doing all they can, but I just wonder if it's enough. It's so weird to me that we have a disaster of this magnatude in our own country. It's so nieve of me to think this only happens in other places, and that we are exempt from catastrophical disasters. I think we as Americans are all reeling from this, and I just pray to God these people will be alright. I hope they can rebuild their lives, and their homes, and busineses. I hope New Orleans will once again be a lively city, full of energy and life, a city which so many people have come to love. I don't think it will ever be the same again. I have been there once, and it truely is one of America's most treasured cities. I hope the spirit of New Orleans will shine through in the end, and that one day this disaster will be but a distant memory.

Jared's homework. I think he did pretty well, considering he doesn't like to color or do art projects, and for being 3. At least he colored MOSTLY in the lines.