poor jared

Sometimes I feel like a bad parent. I used to spend so much more time with jared before the baby was born. All my time and energy was focused on him every day, all day. We used to play together, read stories all the time, play games, cuddle together, and have conversations about silly things only little kids talk about.

I know I haven't been giving him the attention he's been needing lately. He's been acting out more, trying to get my attention any way he can. He runs around the house acting like a wild banshee in hopes of me acknowledging him. I know part of this is boredom, but I am also splitting my time between him and Jade now. I feel so bad when I'm in the middle of an activity with jared, and the baby gets fussy. I let her fuss for a while, give her a toy or her pacifier, hoping she will hold off until I am done with the game, but of course her whining turns into a poor pathetic, heart wrenching cry I can't ignore. Jared gets upset and jealous, and he doesn't understand why she comes first, or why I will drop everything I'm doing to rush to calm a crying baby. I try to get him involved in soothing Jade when she needs me. He tries, and he means well, but he just wants his mommy. He doesn't want to make goofy faces at his sister who seems to be stealing his only mother.

Tonight during his bath, Jade needed to be nursed, so I left the bathroom to feed her. (no, I'm not careless, the bathroom is right next to the living room, so if anything happened to him, I could hear and see at all times) As I was getting up to leave, jared pleaded with me to stay and play with him. All he wanted to do was play. He deserves that, and he needs it. I wanted to cry when I left to feed Jade. I just felt so badly for him. After his bath, I read to him for a long while and he sat in my lap and played with my hair. I let Jade roll on the floor and chew on her toys, which was just fine with her. When it was time for bed, he didn't want to go, he just wanted to cuddle with me for a while. He missed that, and I did too.

Maybe I need some alone time with my jared monster. Maybe we can have a little outing tomorrow, just the two of us, where I can chase him, and tickle him, and spend a few hours with just him. We can have long un-interrupted conversations again about things only he understands. I miss that.