The weekend in a nutshell.

Saturday found Jade and I shopping for a swimsuit - for me. Does anyone dread this as much as I do? I'd *almost* rather go to the DMV. Almost.

We started at Target where pretty much ALL the tankinis were sold out. Jade swore I'd look cute in a little string bikini, and put the same yellow one in the cart at least 5 times. Maybe if I obliged her and tried it on in the dressing room, she'd have seen how completely wrong she was. Anyway, disappointed, we left and drove out 10 miles or so to Kohl's. They had a slightly better selction, but it still took us about 2 hours to finally find one that actually fits right. I have small boobs and a huge booty, so the top of my suit is two sizes smaller than the bottoms! I finally settled on a cute floral-looking top, and a little tennis-looking skirt for the bottom. I actually really like it, and it's slimming in all the right places! Woot!

Let's seeeee. Sunday found us driving around Lancaster to find Guitar Hero 4. We finally did, at Game Stop - and they about kicked us out because they were closing. The guy was being a real jerk about it too. Maybe he had a hot date that night or something. GH4 is pretty cool. It's a tribute to Aerosmith, and has some pretty great songs on there.

After the kids went to bed, Doug and I watched "Enemy at the Gates" with (yummy) Jude Law and Rachel Weiz. Being the history nerd I am, I couldn't stop thinking about it this morning, so I just spent a couple hours (instead of cleaning my kitchen) researching the Battle of Stalingrad. Who does that? I mean really. I'm such a dork.

Sorry about the boring post today.

yesterday's outing

I'm supposed to be cleaning the bathrooms, but I'm going to blog about ducks instead. I'm not really in the mood to scrub dried pee off the floor anyway.

After preschool yesterday Doug's cousin and sister invited us to go feed the ducks at a nearby park. So, of course I took pictures! Dude, those geese mean business when you run out of bread. One of them got pretty bossy and ran down my nephew Holden, then nipped him in the crotch. For split second I thought about letting him duke it out with the goose by himself while I ran to grab the camera. But, that would have been mean. So off I went to rescue him. (He's the redhead in the pics with the yellow shirt.) Luckily he's not too traumatized by the ordeal. The kids enjoyed themselves, and overheated a little--and they were so exhausted they fell to the floor when I opened the door to our air conditioned apartment. You know what's nice about that? No fighting and no whining, just peace and quiet, and REST. Good times.

Apparently I'm a floatation device.

Yesterday in the pool...

Jared: "Mom, I'm going to get on your back when we get to the deep end because your butt will keep us from sinking."


I guess it's time to go back to the gym.

My scary experience and a possible explanation

I think there are only 2 of you who have been with this blog from the start. I wrote a post a few years ago about an experience I had when I was 19. I'm going to have to copy and paste it because for some reason when I go into the archives to link it for you, it brings up all my posts for that entire year. I figured you all didn't want to sift through a year's worth of posts, so here it is copied and pasted for your viewing pleasure. It'll end up being a long post today, but you know you're like me and have nothing better to do! (well, I'm sure some of you do, but I sure don't!) Now, the reason I'm bringing this up again, is because I made a discovery yesterday. I did a little research and found a "possible" scientific explanation. Read, and I'll explain


Tuesday, April 05, 2005
a freaky story I wanted to share

I've decided to post this story because it was something that happened to me in my youth. I realize some of you out there may have a certain opinion on this, and that's fine. But here is my story as I can recall.

Right out of high school whas when I broke free of my parents and my religeon. I got a car, a 1993 Ford Escort to take me anywhere my heart desired. For the first time in my life I had a taste of freedom and I loved it. In fact, I went a little wild. In my heart of hearts I knew certain things I was doing was wrong. It just wasn't really who I was at the core. I just liked the attention I got when I acted a certain way, and did certain things. I was trying new things that were labled "evil" growing up. I drank, I smoked, I smoked pot, I lied, I stole money from my parents, I dated too many boys, and I had a great time. Living like that was great. I felt so free of the religeous shackels that held me all my life. I broke all the rules, rebelled in every sense of the word. I rebelled against my parents, I rebelled against the church. I was an all around sinner folks, and I was out of my parents control. I was every mormon father's nightmare. If you compare me to the avarage teenager, I was probably just the same.

At the peak of this rebellion is when it happened. I woke up one morning to find myself paralyzed. I could only blink and breathe. I couldn't move my limbs or move my mouth. I lay there completly helpless. My eyes were open and I was looking into my closet. The radio was on and I could hear the dj talking about the weather. I could hear our sheltie Danny Boy barking at the people as they walked along the sidewalk on the other side of the fence. I was completly concious and awake. And fozen. There was a darkness around and inside me, only I couldn't physically see it. I felt it, and I could hear it. It came in waves, each one stonger then the next. The only way to describe how it sounded is to turn up your speakers as loud as they go without any music. The sound of an electric hum, or charge, maybe like from a guitar amp. The sound filled my ears and my head. I could visualize a light inside my head and each time the wave came the light dimmed. I thought of a lighthouse and fog rolling in to smother the light. I think I was the light. Each time the darkness came the light became weaker and I could feel myself slipping somewhere. My limbs started to tingle. Some part of me wanted to embrace the darkness because I felt I couldn't defeat it. I started praying, singing church songs in my head, trying to open my mouth to utter a prayer. Each time I did this, the light became brighter and I felt stronger, and then it would take me again. We struggled with one another for what seemed like 10-15 minutes, but was probably only a few seconds. I came to the decision to outshine it no matter what it took. I was stronger, I would prevail. No one will ever take control of me. Ever.

I mustered up all the spiritual strength I had. I reached into the depths of my soul. I found I was able to move my lips. I then opened my mouth and was finally able to mutter "in the name of Jesus Christ depart". I don;t know why I said that, or quite where it came from, but as soon as I said those words, I was free. Everything was right as rain again, and I rolled onto my back and breathed a deep sigh of relief. I called my dad at work and told him what happened. He told me it was a dream. My mother said the same thing. Many of you may say the same also. I happen to think there are a few experiences in life that are profound, and they teach us lessons. That. to me was one of those experiences. I realize this may not be wise to post on the internet, but I have since met others who have had very similar experiences. Maybe someone out there in blogsville has too.

Posted by rubyjade at 4:54 PM


Okay. As I said in that post, it was a very profound experience for me. And, it's something I have NEVER forgotten. It was very real, very frightening, and almost scarring in the fact that for years I had a horrible time falling asleep. All this time I had attributed it to the fact that I was falling away from the church when it happened, and that's WHY it happened. Here is what I found, straight from Wikipedia:

Sleep paralysis is a common condition characterized by transient partial or total paralysis of skeletal muscles and areflexia that occurs upon awakening from sleep or less often while falling asleep. Stimuli such as touch or sound may terminate the episode, which usually has a duration of seconds to minutes.....
Sleep paralysis occurs when the brain awakes from a REM state, but the bodily paralysis persists. This leaves the person fully conscious, but unable to move. In addition, the state may be accompanied by terrifying hallucinations (hypnopompic or hypnagogic) and an acute sense of danger [3]. Sleep paralysis is particularly frightening to the individual due to the vividness of such hallucinations[4]. The hallucinatory element to sleep paralysis makes it even more likely that someone will interpret the experience as a dream, since completely fanciful, or dream-like, objects may appear in the room alongside one's normal vision. Some scientists have proposed this condition as a theory for alien abductions and ghostly encounters.[5]....Symptoms of sleep paralysis can be either one of the following or a combination:

Paralysis: this occurs after waking up or shortly before falling asleep. The person cannot move any body part, cannot speak, and only has minimal control over blinking and breathing. This paralysis is the same paralysis that occurs when dreaming. The brain paralyzes the muscles to prevent possible injury during dreams, as some body parts may move during dreaming. If the person wakes up suddenly, the brain may still think that it is dreaming, and sustains the paralysis.
Hallucinations: Images or speaking that appear during the paralysis. The person may think that someone is standing beside them or they may hear strange sounds. These may be dreamlike, possibly causing the person to think that they are still dreaming. Often it is reported as feeling a weight on one's chest, as if being underneath a person or heavy object.
These symptoms can last from mere seconds to several minutes (although they can feel like much longer) and can be frightening to the person. There may be some body movement, but it is very unlikely and hard for a person to accomplish.


Now, I realize this is only a possible explanation, but the fact that it is scientifically considered an actual sleep disorder (there is a ton of info on sleep disorder websites) comforts me in knowing I may not have been "visted by an evil spirit". (something I have been trying to deal with for 10 years) My point in this post, is to share the information with others. I have met quite a few poeple who have had very similar experiences to mine and it's a horrifying experience, silly as it may sound. The hallucinations are very real, and although I didn't actually see anything in the room with me, I could feel and hear it. I still will never know for sure if there was in fact an entity in the room with me, or my body trying to wake from REM sleep but it's nice to know there is an alternative answer.

Taking after her mom

So, before Jade's bath this morning she makes a startling discovery.

Her: "Ooooohhhh I have smaaaalll boobies!!"



Yeah. I've been saying that my whole life.

And, just to show you all how cute she is, here's a pic of her playing "Rachael Ray".

DIS. GUS. TING.

My downstairs neighbors probably think I'm being stabbed or tortured at various times throughout the day because of my sporadic loud screams. I can't even Google and post a picture of what freaks me out because I'll probably scream all over again and wake up the kids. Or, at the very least get the willie-nillies so bad I'll need to comfort myself with another brownie. And, that just won't do. So what's so incredibly horrible it makes me drop whatever I'm holding onto my big toe and let out a blood-curdling scream that sends Jared rushing into the kitchen thinking I must have surely cut off or stabbed part of my body? (How's that for a run-on sentence? Take THAT grammarians!) Want to know?

A cockroach. Yep. Big ones. Huge ones. Red disgusting creepy ones. I'd say they're at least 2-3 inches long. Did you read that?? INCHES people!! Every couple of days now we (I) find one of those nasty creatures in our sink. They only appear in the summer and they crawl up the drains to get water. Last summer I called the apartment manager freaking out, and she assured me there was no infestation, that they are "water bugs", ( Well, no lady. They are cockroaches) and that when the weather is cooler they'll go away. Well, she was right. They did go away. And all was fine and dandy in the world again until last week. They're back. And, back with a vengeance. I think they're bigger this year. The thing is, I literally CANNOT handle them. I can't kill them, I can't catch them, I can't even watch them crawl. I just stand there and scream and jump up and down and freak the heck out. I can handle spiders. I can handle poop, throw-up, bees, wasps...all no problem. Get me within viewing distance of a cockroach, and all reasoning goes out the window. I instantly panic, I have heart palpitations, and I literally cannot breathe. It's a little dramatic, I know but I can't help it! Now, the question is what the heck am I going to do if one of those monsters shows up while Doug is at work? I've been really trying to figure this one out. I wish Jared was one of those kids who thinks bugs are really cool, but he's not. I'm sure my reaction to them doesn't help the situation either. He's not necessarily AFRAID of them, he just doesn't really know how to handle them. They're fast suckers, and HUGE (3 inches, remember?). So far we've been able to just wash them back down the drain again. I can't bring myself to run the disposal on one. That's just....yuck....and eeeewwww I can't even discuss that right now. I wish there was a way of catching them and then flushing them down the toilet. Doug has done this, only I can't stand to watch. He needs to teach Jared how to trap it. I think I'll make that Jared's goal this summer, and I'll give him a nice reward to make it worth his while.

*As I'm typing this "Starship Troopers" is on TV in the background. Remember that movie? That's the one with the giant bugs with disgusting green guts that squirt everywhere. How's that for irony? Blech.

I wonder what our mailman thinks

when he puts the Ensign and Maxim in our box on the same day.

Why....

are there so many crazy Mormons? Do the Catholics have their crazies? The Jews? How about the Protestants? I swear, every ward I have ever belonged to has a handful of people who are a few fries short of a happy meal.

I went to church yesterday (and incidentally "Love at Home" was the closing hymn during sacrament meeting, and this time I held it together. Yay for progress!). As I walked into RS, a lady at the door was saying something like "we need opening and closing". I assumed she meant prayer, but I didn't think she was directing it at me. So, I took a program from her and thanked her. Before I walked away, she repeated herself with a very firm and steady glare on me. Okay, now...the woman was just plain scary. I mean-- she wasn't someone I'd like to meet in a dark alley. AT ALL. She had these huge protruding eyes which were completely focused on ME. I looked around and told her as nicely as I could that I wasn't comfortable giving prayer in public just yet. She certainly didn't like that answer, as she was now almost yelling "WE NEED PEOPLE TO GIVE PRAYERS"! The RS president came alongside her, put her arm around her and asked her to lower her voice. She told her not to worry, and that someone will end up saying prayer, and to please sit down.

So, there's that. THEN, after I almost pee myself from fright, I sit next to a sweet-looking old lady whom I've seen before, and surely she must be sane right? Wrong. 5 minutes into the lesson she starts telling me how her mom beat her over the head when she was 10, and finally when she hit her mother back, the abuse never happened again. Then, she goes on to tell me all about how she was born in Israel, moved to England when she was a few months old, learned to speak "British" (she made it a point to say British, not English), and that Prince Charles is her cousin. The woman is literally telling me her entire life story. Needless to say, I got a little more than I bargained for at church on Sunday. So, between the scary yelling bug-eyed woman, the crazy old Israeli-British speaking loon, and my mother-in-law, I'd say the RS president really has her work cut out for her.

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the jam"

For the past week, this is how Jade begins EVERY bedtime prayer. I had no idea canning a bunch of sugared chopped cherries (with pectin, lemon juice, and lemon peel) would have such a lasting effect on my 3-year-old.
Here are some pics of the process. I had Doug's sister Cammie come help me, and she did a great job. I ended up processing them for a little over 15 minutes, even through the recipe said to do it for only 5. This is because I freaked out when after 5 minutes I noticed the lids weren't vacuum sealed. So, I put them back in the water bath and called my mom....who wasn't HOME!! So, I did a little research online and discovered they don't actually pop down until the cooling process. So, after 15 minutes, I pulled them out and now they are all beautifully sealed. All 9 of them. What in the world am I going to to do with NINE jars? At least they're small. They're cute too!

Mother's Day Shmothers Day

I finally got around to my mother-in-law's Mother's Day gift. We all took pictures of our kids in specific clothing in "outdoorsy places". I'm inherently lazy, so I stepped outside my front door and did them under a tree in our complex. I posted my three favorite. We are grouping pics of the grandkids together and putting them in a collage-style frame. The thing is....and I do feel *slightly* guilty about admitting this to you all, is that I'm really not motivated to do ANYTHING very special for my mother-in-law. She's sweet, she'll help you when she can, and she really has a good heart. But the woman is the most NEGATIVE person I have ever met in my ENTIRE life. She can turn anything, and I do mean ANYTHING into some sort of negative experience. Last year everyone bought her individual gifts for Mother's Day, and she was disappointed no one cooked her dinner. Oh, plus there's the fact that she pretty much ruins every holiday by getting huffy with someone right before dinner and ends up in her room the rest of the night. She tends to be a no-call no-show at her own grandchildren's birthday parties, and I'm getting into something I have no time to write about, as there is literally an entire smorgasbord of issues with her. Plus, it's just not very nice to talk about your mother-in-law over the Internet. Bad karma and all that. Anyway, I suppose that's my real reason this gift is so late. I just don't really give a crap about pleasing her at this point. The End.

I just ate a big ol' spoonful of my own words.

Yeah, I do that sometimes. Jared just spent half the day playing over at Nathan's house. He's the kid from baseball who told Jared he wasn't his friend. We met this morning at the donut shop, as it's Friday and it's the usual hangout for the baseball kids.

I purposefully sat at the same table Nate was sitting, and at first Jared tried to sit at a different table all by himself. I knew he'd do that. So, I MADE him sit next to me. I figured once the boys struck up a conversation, they'd be fine. Nate's going into second grade while Jared's going into first. Jared's just slightly bigger than Nathan, so Nathan assumed Jared was going into second as well. When Jared told him he just finished Kindergarten Nate pipes up, "you mean they held you back?". I said "nope, in fact Jared's one of the smartest in his class". This must have really impressed Nate because his eyes got really big and said "you ARE Jared? That's cool." Jared still didn't say much, so I brought up video games. Yes, I was trying to bribe him into being friends with Jared. So what? Anyway, once I brought up the Wii, they were both completely interested in the other...especially once Nathan heard how awesome Jared is at Guitar Hero. The next thing I knew, Nathan was begging his mom to have Jared over. He even wanted to ride in the backseat of our car. (hehe!) The two had a wonderful afternoon together which started out with watergun fights, and ended up dunking buckets of water onto each others heads. Not really my idea of fun, but to a 6 and 7 year old in 95 degree weather, it was the best!

Jared rode home soaked, exhausted, and completely content. It was really great to see.

Two things.

First, Jared took this pic of me right after I cleaned the bathrooms. I had just sat down, I was tired, sweaty, gross, and really didn't feel like smiling. So I forced my eyes open and made this goofy grin. Jared thinks it's a pretty good pic, so I'll share.

In other completely unrelated news, something got under my skin today. Jared's been in t-ball since February, and although the season is over, the coaches, kids, and parents all became pretty close. We kind of became like extended family--in a way. So, two of the coaches and a handful of kids meet at the park every Wednesday to play ball together. It's kinda like a play-date for baseball. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, Jared tends to keep to himself and I've had a pretty difficult time getting him to come out of his shell. He doesn't make friends easily and still doesn't socialize much with the other boys at practice, but he has fun and tries hard so I'm not making a big deal about it. Well, after practice today the parents grouped together to talk about random crap as usual and the boys played 3-way catch in the field. I could vaguely hear one of the other boys telling Jared that everyone else on the team is his friend, but Jared's definitely NOT. Now, I KNOW this is stupid, and almost completely unwarranted, but I got a little bugged, and I actually wanted to cry. I think it stems from knowing Jared's introverted nature, and one of my biggest fears is him not making friends and ending up being a social recluse. I kept my ears peeled, and couldn't really hear anything else. After practice I asked him about it and he VERY casually said "well I don't really care. It's not a big deal". I know he means it too. I know he doesn't care if people aren't friends with him. He generally doesn't care what anybody thinks period. So....why do I care so much? And, why did this sting so bad? I've had a few hours to get over it. And, I'm over it...I just hope this isn't foreshadowing what'll happen in school a few years down the road.

This man makes me feel good.

I don't know why I haven't discovered the world of this rastafari genius before today. For some reason it was Bob Marley marathon day, and for the first time I actually listened to his music. Maybe it was all the ganja he smoked, but his words inspired me, the melodic repetitiveness relaxed me, and the percussive rhythm had my body swaying as I was driving down sierra highway. I think I even rolled down the window. I mean... I "got" it. There is so much of his soul in those songs, and all I could think about was how everything would be alright. I could literally feel my muscles relax and my cares melt away, and I imagined myself sitting on a beach in the Caribbean with the sand in my toes and the wind in my hair.

The guy was just cool.

We went cherry pickin'!

I decided to stop sabotaging my weekend, so we all piled in the car and headed off to the cherry orchards! It ended up being a beautiful day, and now I can't remember what I was so pissy about. Oh, and HOLY COW about all the comments I received on my last post! I feel like one of the popular girls in high school. There's a first time for everything!

We ended up picking just over six pounds. I forsee jam making in my very near future. I'll blog about it for you all to see. Maybe I'll do it "daily bite-style" with cool pics of each step too. Jared just ended K and so this week we'll be bored out of our minds. I think we'll make some jams and pies together. I'll go ahead and call it a project, even though I don't "do" those.

Anyway, I'm in a much better mood now. It's amazing what a little sun and fresh air can do.

I guess that's why the call it the blues.

I'm surprised that I woke up feeling this way today. Yesterday was a really good day. I had lunch with my friend Ursula at Olive Garden and gorged myself on gnocchi in cheese sauce. Then I came home, sat my happy ass on the couch and read The Goblet of Fire. I ended up falling asleep, and had a nice cat nap. After Doug came home, I headed over to Ursula's house for a chick flick "27 dresses" which was really cute. I came home, went to bed, and woke up this morning in the crappiest mood. I do NOT want to deal with the kids today,and I'm feeling overwhelmingly inadequate about everything. I HATE feeling like this. I kind of think it's stemming from reading other blogs to tell you the truth. I really don't know what it is about me, that I have to compare myself to EVERYONE. I think I just read these blogs and see their beautiful homes, read about their happy little lives, their adoring husbands, and I automatically assume that their lives are perfect. I know they aren't. No one's is.BUT, sometimes I feel like my life is SO FAR from the bliss I read in other blogs. I see wonderful hard-working moms, who know HOW to deal with their children, who are understanding, patient, and know just how to handle situations. Admittedly, I have a huge thorn in my side, and his name is Jared, my 6-year-old. I don't talk about this much, because when I think about it I feel like a failure at the only calling I have in life. I honestly think there is something wrong with him. It's almost like he lacks any emotion but anger. When he gets excited or happy, I can see him physically try to stifle it. I don't know why. He is becoming withdrawn, he will NOT talk to people he doesn't know very well and yes it goes beyond shyness. I give him hugs and tell him I love him every day. He refuses to say it back. All of his life he's been affectionate with me, and within the past few months it's all of a sudden not cool to be close to me anymore. I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I don't know what to do. His dad doesn't give him any affection at all, and I don't want Jared thinking that is okay. What do you do when the other parent has a completely different parenting style? I know I get frustrated with him, and lash out to try and assert my authority, because honestly nothing phases Jared. Then I end up feeling guilty, and crappy, and like a horrible person.

And then there's the cleaning issue. I just CAN'T keep this house clean. I can't seem to keep up with the laundry, and I just feel like a really bad housewife. I know Doug feels the same way.

All the while I've been really wanting and seriously considering Nursing School in a few years. But, the more I think about it, the more I question it. Am I really smart enough to handle all that school? Do I have it in me to become a nurse, and take someones life into my hands? Do I really have what it takes? I don't know!!

Ugh. Everything sucks today. Even my coffee didn't taste the same. This post turned into something way too long, and I exposed way too much. I should stop here. At least one thing is true, this day can only get better.

You know what makes me throw up a little in my mouth?

Typing autopsy reports. I need a post-it note on my freaking monitor that says "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES EAT AT THIS DESK WHILE READING AND/OR TYPING REPORTS. EVER"

As a few of you know, I'm studying to be a medical transcriptionist so I can eventually work from home. So, right now I'm kind of in "rotation" so-to-speak of different specialty fields. This of course includes pathology reports, which includes autopsy. It's really not so bad typing up surgical reports. I can handle open heart surgeries, cracking ribcages, chiseling away nasal bones, or sawing off limbs. All of that I can handle. But, cutting open a dead guy, dissecting parts of his brain, (as well as ALL other organs) and then describing the "dead" look of his pale sclerae (that's eyeballs).....kinda creeps me out. I also get to type out the exact cause and circumstanses of death. So I'm literally typing about this guy taking his last breath. It's just a huge death scene I imagine like a movie that I type day after day, except these are REAL people, and REAL reports. Ick. Radiology is next. Thank God.


Oh, and completely off topic here...thanks for the comments and well wishes on my previous post ladies. I do appreciate it.

*$@@*%$#$!!

Mkay. I know I already blogged today, but can I please just vent a little? Please? Kay thanks.

Soooo, have I told you all how much I hate stupid people? HATE them. I'm not talking about stupid as in the sense of "I didn't finish High School", or "I have an IQ of 3", I'm talking more about selfish, STUPID, not thinking-about-anyone-but-my-stupid-ugly-self people. Why is it I have a run-in with them at least.....ooohhh once a month?? Here's what really gets me: THEY ARE ALLOWED TO DRIVE. Yep, stupid people behind a potentially deadly weapon. That's great. And, they're driving all over my town. They're everywhere and I can't escape them. One already ruined my car and is claiming injury. Another almost collided with me today, and the only reason he didn't is because I inched out like a scared little turtle before I slammed on my brakes as he came barreling down a residential street right after SCHOOL LET OUT!! Idiot. And then, THEN he has the nerve to stare me down, call me a really mean name, and flip me off. And, let me just tell you....this happens all. the. time. And it's not like I'm a bad driver. Really, I'm not. I'm just surrounded by the most selfish, arrogant, friggin retarded mindless twits you can imagine.

Vent over.

when we were young.

I was thinking about things last night. Time rewound as I lay in bed and reminisced about our fun dating days. We used to do everything together. We laughed every day. We said "I love you", we used to look deep into each others' eyes. We talked for hours on the phone about nothing at all. He was so...open. He had a way of making me feel like a million bucks, and like I was the only thing that mattered.

How did it all turn out like this?