I guess that's why the call it the blues.

I'm surprised that I woke up feeling this way today. Yesterday was a really good day. I had lunch with my friend Ursula at Olive Garden and gorged myself on gnocchi in cheese sauce. Then I came home, sat my happy ass on the couch and read The Goblet of Fire. I ended up falling asleep, and had a nice cat nap. After Doug came home, I headed over to Ursula's house for a chick flick "27 dresses" which was really cute. I came home, went to bed, and woke up this morning in the crappiest mood. I do NOT want to deal with the kids today,and I'm feeling overwhelmingly inadequate about everything. I HATE feeling like this. I kind of think it's stemming from reading other blogs to tell you the truth. I really don't know what it is about me, that I have to compare myself to EVERYONE. I think I just read these blogs and see their beautiful homes, read about their happy little lives, their adoring husbands, and I automatically assume that their lives are perfect. I know they aren't. No one's is.BUT, sometimes I feel like my life is SO FAR from the bliss I read in other blogs. I see wonderful hard-working moms, who know HOW to deal with their children, who are understanding, patient, and know just how to handle situations. Admittedly, I have a huge thorn in my side, and his name is Jared, my 6-year-old. I don't talk about this much, because when I think about it I feel like a failure at the only calling I have in life. I honestly think there is something wrong with him. It's almost like he lacks any emotion but anger. When he gets excited or happy, I can see him physically try to stifle it. I don't know why. He is becoming withdrawn, he will NOT talk to people he doesn't know very well and yes it goes beyond shyness. I give him hugs and tell him I love him every day. He refuses to say it back. All of his life he's been affectionate with me, and within the past few months it's all of a sudden not cool to be close to me anymore. I'm having such a hard time dealing with this. I don't know what to do. His dad doesn't give him any affection at all, and I don't want Jared thinking that is okay. What do you do when the other parent has a completely different parenting style? I know I get frustrated with him, and lash out to try and assert my authority, because honestly nothing phases Jared. Then I end up feeling guilty, and crappy, and like a horrible person.

And then there's the cleaning issue. I just CAN'T keep this house clean. I can't seem to keep up with the laundry, and I just feel like a really bad housewife. I know Doug feels the same way.

All the while I've been really wanting and seriously considering Nursing School in a few years. But, the more I think about it, the more I question it. Am I really smart enough to handle all that school? Do I have it in me to become a nurse, and take someones life into my hands? Do I really have what it takes? I don't know!!

Ugh. Everything sucks today. Even my coffee didn't taste the same. This post turned into something way too long, and I exposed way too much. I should stop here. At least one thing is true, this day can only get better.